GOOD DAY!

Happy first day of summer, slackers! The school year is OVERRRRR!!
Today is the first day because it's the day after memorial day. Memorial day is when we all celebrate our veterans and whatnot, get off of work and just soak in the summer-ness. But the day AFTER our patriotic obligations end, and after the adults go back to work..that's when summer officially begins. Well, for me I'm not counting this break as summer until after I get back from girl's camp. Because until that day, I have to stress over making and finding my clothes, I have to buy supplies, keep breaking in my shoes, maybe go to Jeremy's graduation tomorrow (more on that later), and prepare to be brutally beaten by physical activity. There's just so much to take care of.
I just got home after four days of being at my dad's rental because my mom went to jersey. It's a relief to have internet back. But I miss my little Dell laptop so much. i'm going through withdrawals. I mean...everytime I have a struggle with deciding what I should do, I type it all out on this really long word document I've been keeping and by the end I have a resolution. But not this time! I don't have the cute little keyboard or the comforting pulsating white light under the covers of my bed.
It's just gone...
AND I SAID I WASN'T GONNA CRY!
But I missing having a netbook I could call my own. It's not like I'm never going to see it again, I'll see it in a month or so but I really miss it.
I promised jeremy I was going to his graduation tomorrow, but I have no ride. And I didn't hang out with him on saturday and I need to see him because I miss him and I at least owe him my appearance at his graduation. But I have no way to get there, and i bought him a bag of skittles and I'm sad.
Also, I told him I loved him.
UGH! I know. Judy already slapped me in the face. Don't ever declare false love, because it will come back and haunt you.
Although this isn't false. I do love him, I just know it's not as deeply as he loves me and I know that I am going to be the one to screw him over, and I'm sick of seeing him being screwed over. I mean, he deserves happiness more than i do! so maybe i should stick with my proposition of my love, and let him be happy. It was really late on sunday night when I told him. I was lonely and sad, like I usually am at that time of night. And I just got all caught up in thinking about how great he is, and all he's done for me. And it sort of just came out. But he deserves to hear it. I do love him.  And the least I owe him is showing up at his graduation, but I dunno if i can and I feel awful!
SEE. This inner turmoil isn't meant to go on this blog, it's supposed to go to my long text document of nonsense. If you think THIS blog is bad...wow. I mean, this is as organized as my head can be.
In other news, I walked to walgreeens today. I was with sophie and adam. they were cool with walking all that way in the heat. I think I can survive trek because I'm fine with walking long distances, I don't really get tired. It's the heat that's going to kill me. My dad knew someone who was going to give us a couple dresses and bonnets, but they bailed on us so now we have nothing. And it's NEXT WEEK. This time in 7 days, I'm going to be in the woods somewhere pulling a handcart with a bunch of strangers.
The thought of this hurts my brain.
But I'll do it, goshdanget.
I walked past gilbert's new house today. he wasn't home, he's been going window shopping all day. shopping tires me out. It makes me want to curl up in those baby cribs in target and take a long nap.
I blistered up my feet pretty good, so at least I won't have to deal with doing that next week or during camp. Ahh I got put over the second years who happen to have the longest hike. I could have sworn the third years were supposed to have to longest hike. No matter. If the universe wants me to hike my face off this summer, so be it. I don't care.
I am thinking about getting my hair cut really short. But I don't know. My straightener broke, so now i am prisoner to my crazy curly hair. sigh. But at least it broke after school ended. Thank the heavens.
I got into the habit of biting my fingers just above the knuckle. I accidently bit through the skin on my index finger. But i got to but white tape over the bandaid and draw on it. So that was fun.
Am I the only one that wants to shoot people who call the house phone?! the ringing! SO LOUD AND OBNOXIOUS!!
it echoes in my head!!!!!!
alright. the phone's ringing too much to think.
booop.

"FREKKN A"

the key phrase used to describe this school year.
More things have gone wrong than right, adventures turn into struggles and frustration is now running successfully through every one's veins.
I hope you're happy, sophomore year...for deliberately screwing some of us over. But we did learn from you. We learned what NOT to do next time, like get grades that aren't around human body temperature. We learned what we could get away with..and what we couldn't. We've learned to hate certain people...and come to love people we've hated. you brought out the worst of the seminary teachers, and definitely the best. you've given us new fun memories and happy moments to remember when you whip us with the sharpness of the world we live in. sophomore year, i don't know whether to say you sucked or you were one of the best.
i've lost alot, but gained the same and i'm pretty much back where i started last year.
let's just hope we can start over better next year. junior year we will do it right. next year, after trek and girl's camp and all that is over with..we'll start again only this time FOR REALS. no more ridiculous chemistry classes expecting us to teach ourselves, or asinine amounts of procrastination (alright, let's not kid ourselves..we're always going to procrastinate) but still. we're gonna start over, only this time doing it RIGHT. goshfrekkndangetAmotherofpoo! 
Next year, i'm gonna be 16 which means i'm gonna start dating. which means the amount of boy drama is going to spike. great. y'know, i dont want boy drama in my life. if i Do start dating, i'm only going to date real mature dudes. you know how hard it is to find mature guys in highschool? JUDAS PRIEST!! and plus, i don't want to be around jealousy, or weirdness from other people. i dont want to break up with anyone. but if i do start dating, im eventually going to have to break up with them because i know i meet isaac after highschool, and i dont wanna get hooked on a highschool boyfriend longer than highschool itself. cuz after graduation i am OUTTA HERE! also, i wanna learn how to drive...soon. and i want to hang out with gilbert at his new house this summer.  and i swear next year i will do better with my grades. i hate getting Ds, but in order to stop getting Ds i have to stop being a slacker. i will never again get a grade below a 70! FREKKN A!!!
and here we are back at the beginning.
well, these are my thoughts.
the next and and last four days of this year better go by quick cuz sophomore year...i am done with you.

Missing

I was depressed all day today. It was one of those days when i felt really isolated and shut off. I don't really want to write much, and i don't want to whine. I'm just gonna read some scriptures and try and get over this stupid sadness that seems to be regrowing my heart like a weed. I'll get better soon.

sometimes you have to shut up and look in front of you

if i focus on the present, and blind myself from the past and future, things are pretty peachy right now. i just need to learn not to think so much, not to let my head overflow like that.
it's all about the little things. the tiny small details among our days that make it good.
like a bag of cookies as a pick-me-up from a friend. a nice set of clouds to block out the sun. the H-wing with the delicious smell of bread because it's pretzel day. The accomplished feeling after doing the plato. the fact that it's a halfday and we have every right to go home and sleep. the promising spur-of-the-moment plans for the weekend.
these little things are sweet, and if i focus on them instead of the larger bitter bigger picture...i find that life is enjoyable.
i know that i've made the right decisions in not dating until i turn 16, and even though it hurt to watch the boy i was in love with go out with other girls, and even though i've hurt some people by saying no..i know things will turn out for the better this way. this way, when i meet isaac i can tell him that i've always been faithful and obedient to God. and that's going to mean alot to him.
i'm kind of grateful i fell in love so young, it gave me a real opportunity to mature and to learn important lessons, and even to be faced with the dangers of self-abuse and all that other stuff..so i know it when i see it. and i'm confident in my inner strength.
i've gone through some pretty tough times in my life. and it's nothing to brag about. in fact, i don't like talking about what exactly has happened but it is important to write down and document them because it will remember my lessons learned, and how strong my spirit can be.
let's just say, mine has a six pack.
haha.
AGH i can't wait to meet isaac. it makes me sad to know that i'm not going to grow old with my friends. i don't even want to part with nita or carley or adrienne or sara or gilbert. even udi! and he's gone after next week. but i know we're all goign to go our seperate ways at some point. and have our own little lives...for however long until the end. but i know we'll all see each other again. we'll all be able to sit around a table, like we do at lunch..even if it's in another life.
anyways...that's all.
booohoohooohoooop

can school end already?!

sorry i havent really been posting this week. i feel like life has sucked me dry.
kaleb's girlfriend broke up with him. they'll probably go back out after summer, though. they both seem to be taking it well. still smiling and joking and hanging out with other people.  maybe they have a negotiation. i hate that kaleb wanders back to me, when his girlfriend is unavailable. whenever she was sick or out of town, he'd ask if we could hang out, or pretend like he didn't even ignore me and stop answering my texts.
it makes me sick.
he can be a real jerk.
i'm tired of being pushed and pulled around by his needs. i wouldn't mind coming to help him when he was sad, if he didn't toss me aside right after. if he actually cared.
that's why i love gilbert. he's the only person who likes looking at my drawings. that makes me feel good because i draw aLOT and no one really cares or finds it interesting.
gilbert is a very valuable person in my life, i don't want anything to ruin that. ugh. i'm doing geometry right now. i've got much on my mind, and i don't want to do this stupid review. i already know this stuff. watch me pass that test next week. just watch. and then i'll be out of this class and out of this school for a few weeks. i wish i could just burrow down into my bed and not come out, but i have trek and girls camp and all this other crap i have to do. for now, i can't believe that it's tuesday right now. i feel like yesterday happened weeks ago. yesterday was a good day, today was kind of depressing.
kaleb sat with us at lunch today. everyone felt on-edge.
i hate that he and i have brains that think exactly alike. i hate that i can still finish his sentences and read his face so easily. i hate that. i would rather forget it. we had so much. he had this really rich friendship with all these jokes and sayings...and we hung out all the time. i knew every inch of his house, i was a regular resident of his house. his parents were closer to me than my parents.
but now it's been so long...and looking at him looking at me like that never changed, hurts. it hurts me so bad. like someone dug my heart out of my chest with an icepick.
but i dont want to care. i dont want to hang out again because once his girlfriend realizes what she did. again. for the third time, she'll take him and then i'll be left alone again. so screw that.

frekkn a. 
today made me tired.
i have to go to mutual tonight. i have a montrous amount of plato due tomorrow. i have a d in math. i think i failed that circle unit test. my dresser drawers are broken, so my clothes are being stored on my bookshelves. my books are in a box between me and my sister's bed. mom was supposed to get our home teachers to move the broken dressers out, and get us new ones but she never gets anything done. unless her boyfriend is involved. did you know she's visiting him in a few days? awesome. i'm still pissed at her. she sometimes mentions what i'd think if they got married. i'd be very disappointed in her. she tells me i need to marry a mormon, so why isn't she? what? it doesn't apply to her? she fell in love? what excuse is she using, because it's not going to keep them together longer than this life, and she's not going to be put in the celestial kingdom with us. why would she take that away from us?
my mom used to say she imagined a dinner table in heaven, that our family would sit around. she said she didn't want any "missing chairs". well. shows how much that actually matters to her. 

jeremy  depresses me. he says he loves me and calls me "babe" and "hun" and he tells me he misses me. i tell him not to miss me or love me. i am very platonic towards him.
my life is always this shifting vat of lava, and very few times do i get something that doesn't cause me pain. like gilbert. very rare.
i'd like to think i could date him, but i fear that i'd do to him what i did to jeremy. that as soon as we'd start going out, i'd shut down.
because when i fell in love i got hurt. and opening up again hurts just as much. how many times do am i going to have to tear the stitches out of my heart to open it, just to get it ripped out in the end.
i learned my lesson, okay? life sucks.
can't we move on to the happy ending now?

i don't even..care...

 usually when i feel lonely, i turn to jeremy for comfort when i'm alone, but he got a good job at a restaurant and works from 3 to 11, so i'm on my own now.
i guess this is good because if i pay too much attention to jeremy, he'll think i want more of a relationship than we already have. which is this odd lopsided friendship, where it hurts for me to talk to him and he still calls me beautiful sometimes.
it's kind of funny how we deal with being alone. i eat and read and write a lot more. and if my ipod's not constantly charged..i'm screwed. because being alone or bored without music in the backround, makes my brain fold in on itself. to the point where  i get fidgety and irritated and i can't focus on anything.
other people (maybe healthier people) go and talk to friends and get connected with as many people as they can, and suck life from many different outlets, so that they don't have to feel alone. unfortunately, this usually ends up causing drama and contention and distress.
other people go out and look for love, and spend alot of time obsessing over someone they love from afar. in a blissful state that doesn't require much effort or heartache. unless that person decides to disappear.
screw talking about being lonely.
i'm going to go make some more animations and pretend i dont have a half an hour left before my dad takes us for the weekend.

50 things that annoy me

(i've trimmed it down to 50. and these are not in order)

1. that the calcium in the water of my fridge has caused hard water to all but SEAL the faucet in which the water come out of. so it takes three minutes to fill up a cup.
2. when i kneel on a crayon i've left on my bed and it breaks. it's not so much the death of the crayon that's devastating, it's the scary CRACK that comes with it convincing me for a split second that my knee has broken.
3. when people INTERRUPT ME
4. when someone interrupts someone i'm listening to
5. getting a typical "lol" response to a text. or nothing at all. why do i even other talking to you?!
6.when people copy me. i know it sounds dumb, and people may say that imitation is the most sincere form of flattery..but i guess it comes from having a sister a year younger than me. i mean SERIOUSLY. i liked that band wayyyy before you, i drew comics in church before you, and those are MY frick'n pants, lady.
7. those people on facebook who are always like, "haters gonna hate" or "im just gonna be me and you can all suck it" and have that attitude. i think it makes them all seem a little MORE insecure when they do that.
8. dudes. i mean...okay. i know that inside every dude, there's a three year old boy. who wants nothing more than to run around the room, screaming and laughing and throwing stuff and grabbing people..but..really? i mean..really??
9. when someone criticizes one's opinion in music. everyone has a right to hate a band. like blink182 (who suck) but...don't hate the fans. hate the band. c'mon. show some class.
10. when teachers have high expectations of me. i guess this comes from getting away with not applying myself to a full and satisfying extent, but it takes so much WORK to apply my full self. i have to open all the doors in my brain, that's painful and dizzying and then afterwards i feel run down from releasing so much.
11. the completely faulty condescending nature of teenage girls. always saying one thing and meaning another. girls are the worst bullies. i've never really been bullied, but if you sit back and watch them at work...man. it gets brutal.
12. cracking of knuckles. ughhh
13. when a song needs something more. like...a correction. like a prolonging of a note, or the repetition of a lyric, or a rest, or a properly lengthened ending. UGH.
14. when people say they have OCD and they don't. it's called a freaking pet peeve, you moron. quit diagnosing yourself.
15. when i think something is beautiful, but i can't show anyone. like they'd ruin the magic of it. because i think the most random things are beautiful. like old black and white movies. and the catcher in the rye.
16. THAT NO ONE SEEMS TO UNDERSTAND THE CATCHER IN THE RYE!! UGHH!!!!
17. when you get a bag of chips and it's three fourths air.
18. that for a while i wanted to speak french, but i realized most girls in the world want to speak french.
19. that something inside of me wants to rebel against what the large majority of people are conforming to. even if it's good. kindergarten: screw this, i hate coloring books. too many rules! Im drawing everything myself!! fifth grade: all the kids are learning music! now i won't, just to set myself apart. seventh grade: everyone's dying their hair and hooking up. I'LL NEVER BE A PART OF THAT! highschool: wow. everyone's doing extracurricular activities or getting serious in heir love life. screw that.
20. that i love flowers so much, but they die if i try and take them with me.
21. when people don't use proper grammar. especially with to, too, and two. and there, their, and they're. 22. teachers that are softhearted. i like mean teachers. i LOVE mean teachers. they're the only ones that really make kids shut up and realize how dumb they sound.
23. youtube's doing this thing where after a video ends, the next related video starts playing. it kills the mood of the video you just watched, especially if it's a song.
24. moment killers. like when you're having a good day and then parental figures are pissy.
25. when you're secretly enjoying a song playing the the car, and someone changes it.
26. when blink182 songs get stuck in my head.
27. that i know so much about blink182. it's taking up space in my brain that could be put to better use.
28. when i see a fly before or during the process of eating something. i remember once in fourth grade, i poured myself a bowl of cinnamon toast, and found a dead fly under one of the pieces. it freaked me out.
uuuughhh
29. when my stupid hair clogs up the stupid shower and i have to stupid reach in the drain and stupid get it all out in horrible clumps.
30. guilt trips via teacher. hey, shut up! you don't live my life!!
31. when i almost fall asleep around 5, but then am suddenly wide awake once the clock strikes 10.
32. the stupid daily announcements at school. i have the sinking feeling no one has a clue what they're talking about.
33. when my mom is randomly really nice to me and it makes me feel really bad for wishing i could leave the house.
34. that i have a plan for where to go if i had to leave the house. it annoys me, but not to the point of picking through it and guilting myself out of it.
c'mon, man. really? i like to think that music during the millennium is gonna be so awesome. maybe we can get people to remake some songs.
36. eating. i dont know why, but i never feel good afterwards. i'm never full. oh woe is me, im a teenager! D: bottomless stomachs!!
37. when i become a complete doofus when i try and talk to guys i have a crush on. ugh. i turn into a giant marshmellow peep. no idea what im doing there, just staring out with tiny, sugary, painted on eyes.
38. when i the lighting in the room isn't right and i have to stand at the light switches for a few minutes, making it the way it's supposed to be.
39. being left out. it doesn't really depress me or make me feel like i need to impress who ever is leaving me out, it just mildly ticks me off. especially in school. i have better things to do than sit off to the side right now.
40. being in the middle of listening to a beautiful song and something..or someone makes me pause it.
41. when girls tell guys they're afraid of something, when they're just trying to be cute. doooooonnn't denyyyy it. LETTUCE?! REALLY!? and i know what you're thinking. annabelle? didn't you say you have a fear of gas masks? SHUT UP! those things are horrifying! and trust me, if i was trying to be cute, i would have picked something you see everyday. like..wax paper or dragonflies. but gas masks look like horse skulls. and i'd rather die in a fire than go to a fireman wearing on of those things. irrational, but it makes  sense to me.
42. when people say something random during a conversation with me, and when i pause and raise an eyebrow they just giggle and go, "inside joke!" and i look around..with WHO?! the only excusable time to do that is if you have an inside joek with god.
and as a subscript of that, we'll call it: 42a. if you say a joke that makes perfect sense to everyone else and then say "inside joke" afterwards. IT'S NOT AN INSIDE JOKE IF EVERYONE GETS IT!
43. when someone hears me say a joke, and they say it louder, and everyone laughs. ugh. that happens with kaleb and i alot. we think too alike, so we often speak at the same time, but of course he speaks louder than me.
44. when my siblings eat or waste my food.
45. that a lot of the bands and songs i get are ruined by the radio.
46.  when people insist on naming a thousand bands they like. a genre will suffice. only list a band you like, if you can sit and listen to all but save a few songs without objection
47. the food at my dad's rental. i mean, i hate the entire rental itself, but the food is just annoying. ice cream? poptarts? salsa? chips? don't get me wrong, sounds like a dream at first...but after a year or so it's just sad.
48. im annoyed that making this list was so easy
49. when cupboard doors are left open
50. when time decides to fluctuate between going agonizingly slow and wayyy too fast.

intense dream

so last night i started puking my guts out. that was fun. so my mom was like..stay home. and i was like DONE.
but then i had this awesome dream i need to describe because of how intricate it was.
okay so i was int he woods and there were all these people. and i was all, "oh look  they're putting on a shakespeare play. i wonder what the theme is.."
and so i sit down in the audience and i start watching the  play. now the dialog was all in shakespeeare speak so im not going to try and recreate that so here's a summary of the play
there was this ship that could sing about the future of the crew's endeavors which was quite ominous but no one noticed. the crew was all caught up in the tension and the drama between this betrothed couple. they were all on a ship to italy because that's where the wedding was supposed to take place. but the way they were lashing out on each other, the marriage looked bleak.
meanwhile in italy, there was this evil king who was determined to stop the wedding. he was locking people up in tiny little rooms if they had invitations to the wedding. the king was the husband's uncle. he had been married to the husband's mom, but the mom had run off with another guy, leaving the king in italy. then, the king's dad had died after she left, making HIM king. with his new power, he vowed to kill the son of his ex-wife, who had at the same time become betrothed.
 he caught word that his ex-wife had died and said in the will that he son was supposed to get married to the betrothed girl in the same church she and he king were married in, on the same day. so the king had been ready for their arrival in italy.
anyways, they got to land and were immediately taken hostage. there was this big battle and and alot of people died.  the betrothed couple realized how much they loved each other, and the husband killed the king. but not before the king stabbed the betrothed wife. it was depressing because the ship had been singing about their fate the whole time.
ahh.
but after i watched the play i wandered around outside of the woods. i knew i was on temple grounds but i never actually saw the tmeple. i was just kinda strolling on this wet grass watching a bunch of other people running around playing ball and having a good time.
i remember looking off in the distance and seeing these scary looking mountains in the shape of big animals. but i felt safe on temple grounds, and everything was okay.
in my dreams i usually redream settings, and i'm always walking around with someone else. but this time, neither of those were true.
anyways...thats my dream. 
i wish i could blame this on the sickness im staying home with but i dont have a fever so...s'all me on that one.
heh.
boooooop

how to be

to be aloof or not to be aloof..
see, right now it's fifth hour. and we have a sub so everyone's grouped together and chatting (surprisingly quieter than when my real teacher is here)
but i'm sitting in my regualr seat in the back. the two other kids who sit with me are sitting with their friends and i'm just chilling back here by myself.
this doesn't bother me. i enjoy being alone during classes. it's a time for me to learn and fill and empty my head how i please. and i hate group projects. i hate working with people. because i hate how dim and disrespectful they all are.like with a bunch of freshmen. UGH.
also, i'd rather be in my room than running around with friends, tearing up the town. i'd rather burrow under my covers with my ipod than run around parks, getting high like everyone else.i'd rather read. i guess i sound like a hermit, but being with people for too long exhausts me. i have to read their body language and watch their emotions and take care of them. keep them entertained, make them laugh, be pretty. whatever.
but lately i've been miserable because of lack of touch. i didn't realize hwo much i needed it until i got a taste of what it felt like, to be held and stroked and all of that. im like a kitten. like someone just picked me up and pet me and then set me downa nd left me. what the crap, man..
AGH.
and i dont WANT a boyfriend. boyfriends are STUPID. if there's a lable on what i'm supposed to be, i'll purposefully fail so i will have liberation from an obligation. i'm going to be a terrible girlfriend. i'm goign to get cold feet on the second day of going out with someone.
and i'm not going out with anyone until i'm 16 and that's at the end of august. a month and a half into school next year.
so...we've got a way to go until i get that kind of physical attention again. AND IT'S KILLING ME.
it's like i'm addicted. it's like jeremy rubed crack into my skin.
HOW DARE YOU!!!
ughh. i wanna go home. i just wanna go hommmmmme.
so i want to be alone, i hate the idea of being someone's girlfriend, but i crave and need love. what's the matter with me?
hah. i'm screwed up.
i wish i was in lvoe with jeremy. then everyone would be happy. he's been beating himself up so much. he told me last night that he always gets shot down by girls, and he's always sacrificing his own happiness for other's. that killed me. absolutely killed me.
i wish didn't like being alone. i wish my past hadn't screwed me over like this. i wish i was healthy. if i was, i'd be in love with jeremy and he wouldn't feel shot down, and i wouldn't feel abandoned.
it made me so sad. he felt like he was constantly the catalyst in other peopel's lives, an dhe never got anything of his own.
i want to give him happiness, i want him to have me. but i remember back on the last time we hung out in person..how immature he was and how i got a headache jsut trying to sort it all out. how much i wanted to escape.
i wish it was easier. i wish i could flip a switch and be in love with him, but i can't. and that ruins everything.
frekkn A.
haha im annoying myself. same old problems.
but i don't know how to be. i dont know if im happier by myself, or with someone who loves me. it's kind of painful either way. maybe i just don't have the right person to be alone together with.
today was good, though. despite all this. i felt really close to gilbert. i love the random days where i feel close to gilbert. i'm so happy i havent screwed up anything between him and i. that would definitely suck the life out of my life.
aughhh.
so. yeah. that's all.
this is annabelle from math class, signing off.


boop.

Faker

I hate that my mom is two-faced. She was literally screaming one minute and smiling the next.
It's my sister's birthday, and my mom was convinced that our house wasn't cleaned to the other eleven year old's approval. She was yelling and stomping around like her life sucked. It really pisses me off when she does that.
To me, her life seems to be going pretty swell. divorced from an angry lazy bum, going out with someone who liked her LONG before the divorce, coming home from a well paying job with nice co-workers to six intelligent and well behaved kids..you'd think she wouldn't' have to scream at us.
but it's absolutely hilarious and endearing when she just opens the door and plasters on this huge fake smile and invites these preteens into the house, pretending like she's the nicest lady in the world.
She's sooo many words i can't even say.
well.
that's the post for today because i can't put this on facebook and it has to be out there somewhere! AMMIRIEEET?! haaahahahahaaa.....ahh...
:|

Short list of stuff i love

 -pizza
-fall
-waking up feeling refreshed
-halfdays
-fridays
-love poems
-poetry in general, actually
-tacos
-gilbert
-nita
-carley
-sara
-marianne
-adrienne
-chealsea
-udi
-the rest..
-making people laugh
-christmas
-finding great new songs and bands
-weekends at home
-nita's blog
-cute boys
-doodling
-music
-when my computer gets a fever from being open to grooveshark all night
-new headphones
-the feeling after completing plato
-having no homework
-being productive
-when people remember things i told them about me
-the days when mom is happy
-summer break
-watching tv and indulging the lazy slob inside me
-pants that fit just right
 -being brave
-reading a great book into the long hours of the night
-when i'm prepared
-pressing buttons
-j-walking
-udi's song recommendations
-reading about places far away
-lsitening to police sirens in the distance at night when everything is echo-y and quiet outside
-when the lighting is just right in my room and i remember how i used to hang out in my room all day after school in the sixth grade, listening to the radio
-existential thinking
-when people say i'm a chill person. i think i like this because my mom flips out under even the most minute levels of stress
-writing about zombies
-when people like looking at my doodles
-birds
-apples
-wearing weird hats in strange situations
-cereal
-when i write so much, i start narrating everything in my head
-being held by cute boys
-walkie talkies
-carnations
-zombies
-egg salad sandwiches
-laughing
-toying with the idea of having billiejoe armstrong style (blue) hair when i'm and old lady
-reviewing shows with friends
-making mistakes when i KNOW they're mistakes
-when i get paint on my hands. it makes me want to pain my entire body
-when my teacher calls on me because he thinks im not paying attention, but i answer right and make him feel dumb.
-dairy queen
-feeling better after making a love-list
-when the lighting in my room is just right and i'm reminded of how i used to hang out in my room all day after school in the sixth grade.
-mondays and wednesdays because i dont have anything planned on those days usually
-when a classrooms are at the perfect temperature
-when i have my ipod for the bus ride home
-when movies have just the right actors and lighting and music
-seeing places that remind me of  good times
-having full battery power
-duct tape
-fudge popsicles
-sunsets and sunrises
-poptarts
-ceramics class
-using watercolors
-singing silent night really loudly in a cockney accent
-making weird noises to get my cat to lay his ears back
-bubble baths
-blogging
-sharing my writing in general
-carley and udi's facebook posts
-dr. ploense
-mr. bailey
-easy days at school
-how i don't have to pay attention in geometry to pass the class
-how my german teacher gave me bronco card that said "annabelle is a sweet kid! i appreciate how she works hard in german class" that was nice.
-tops hats
-fedoras
-having lunch with my group of friends
-coming home to discover new food from the grocery store
-freaking people out
-when i don't have to go home or to my dad's house..when i can escape somewhere
-libraries
-chips and salsa
-making lists
-winning stare downs
-paint fumes
-gangstamphetamine (powdered sugar, peanut butter and chocolate chips in a bowl)
-oxygangsta (melted chocolate chips in a bag during summer)
-when i find the right words to say/write
-random texts
-when time goes fast
-pinapples
-grapes
-rain
-walking around at night
-adrenaline
-having a dumb useless crush on someone
-getting random wifi at my dad's house
-looking back on the hundred or so notebook's i've filled since the first grade
-seeing how my doodles get better
-knowing someone loves me
-praying
-firesides
-seminary (especially with nitaaaa)
-puns
-scented candles
-the energy peak i get right before i get really really really tired
-going to a restaurant
-getting compliments
-doing stuff that scares me
-being crazy
-ice cream
-people saying profound things in real life
-baileys.
-stories of how married couples meet
-saying "screw that!" and doing something i know i shouldn't
-dinner after fasting
-mexican food
-english class
-bluesy songs
-clean laundry
-seeing stuff i used in school appear in real life
-muting annoying commercials
-giving people gifts
-kfc
-cheesy potatoes..
-hands. guy's hands, especially. i dunno what it is, i think it's because of how hard they are to draw
-the smell of coffee
-making cookies
-how some people are absolutely beautiful, but don't know it.

In Which I Am Busy

 obligations:

-2 english platos, today
-1 chem plato, friday
-1 geometry plato, today
-writing benchmark, today
-math homework, today
-chem homework from the past four days, friday
-rosetta stone, near future
-german project, friday
-taming of the shrew terms, friday
-study for taming of the shrew re-take, tomorrow
-taming of the shrew study guide, tomorrow
-rough draft monte cristo analysis, sometime next week
-YCL meeting at 7, today...will last until after 8...
-dad's house (no wifi) at 6, tomorrow
-clean the family room and living room at 5, today
-clean bathroom, asap
-make pizza for dinner, when siblings are hungry before 7, obviously.

so...
'kay bye!

daydreaming in chem class

isn't it comforting to think that the person you're going to marry is walking this earth
RIGHT NOW?        
well, unless you're gonna marry a baby.
sometimes i see my future husband in my dreams. i call him Isaac. I don't know if that's his real name though. it could just be his dream name. But i know him. and when i see him, i'll know it's him.
i like to imagine we were constantly hanging out with each other in the pre-existence. i think that once i hang out with him here on earth, we'll kinda remember it.
it must have been sad to leave eachother. and that's why i screamed my head off as a baby.
my mom said i was the worst baby x)
hehe
i'm preparing myself for when i find him. i'm preparing to be the person he's looking for.
sometimes i wonder if he dreams of me, and he knows i exist.
sometimes i want to get on top of a mountain with a megaphone and just let him know, YEAH IM HERE, DONT WORRY!
i hope he's doing okay. i hope his life isn't tough. i hope he's happy.
i wonder what music he likes. haha i bet he likes the beatles. i wonder if we've ever listened to the same song at the same time.
it's far-fetched but hey.
let me dream.
i wonder what class he's in right now.
haha he's probably sitting in a classroom, bored like me. OR he's running around in a gym class. or maybe he's sick. or walking to his next class. but odds are he's in a boring class like me. which is comforting.
i guess this strange abstract person who's kept me company in my occasional dreams is hope. maybe he doesn't exsist. maybe im going to die or get eaten by zombies before i get married. maybe he's just the symbol of hope.
but i like thinking he's real. that there's someone out there, ready to accept me.
and it gives me a mission in life, to find him. he'll be a return missionary. and he'll be funny. and smart, slash nerdy. and he'll appreciate me.
and i cant wait to appreciate him. i cant wait to love him, cuz finally i'll be able to love someone with every ounce of annabelle i have, and i dont have to worry about him abandoning me.
and when i find him, we'll live far away. and we'll always have food storage ready.
i wish i could just skip ahead to when i find him, and when i can be happy. but i know i wont meet him until after highschool. and i need to prepare myself still. i need to make mistakes. date other people. learn how to kiss 0.o
haha
well, those are my thoughts on that.

Dumb Annabelle Is Dumb

clint and i have conversed over a series of text messages. he wanted to hang out and there was no way for that really to happen because of lack of transportation and distance. so he had the grand idea of walking home.
to which i complied.
also it was good practice for trek.
nita was having home troubles, and she's going on trek too so i invited her along. it's always nice walking somewhere with nita because we always come up with stuff to talk about.
it was kinda nerve wracking to be hanging out with clint though because i could tell he was terrified. oh yeah. he was so nervous to be around me. it was funny.
we parted ways with nita and walked the long distance to my house. it was like the walk of purgatory.
but we managed to banter on until we made it to my house.
im grateful it was my house because i could change out of my sweaty clothes and into cool clean pajamas. agh the relief.
i went downstairs. i planned on making cookies for him, but i was too tired and there were no ingredients. instead we ate strawberry ice cream on the couch and watched scrubs.
then at one point he turns to me and asks if i want a massage.
no, as a matter of fact i do not.
is what i SHOULD have said.
so he starts massaging my neck and rubs the muscles all down my spine and in between my shoulder blade and in my lower back.
ahh it felt so good.
but then he decided to cuddle me, and instantly everything inside me shut down. i was catapulted back to how i felt when jeremy held me, that second time.
and everything was numb. my heart didn't feel anything.
and i was cemented.
he might have kissed me if it wasn't for my siblings running around and jumping on his knees.
im glad he didn't.
i texted him after he left and said i didn't want to further whatever we were doing. i said i'd rather stop now than end up in regret down the road. like me having to tell him i never felt anything for him.
so now he's sad so i'm sad. and im tired from staying up so late last night. i was still awake when my first alarm went off.
i have so much ruddy homework to do.
i need to learn about what we've been learning in chem. and i need to do math. and study for that taming of the shrew test that i have to retake.
i have to go to intervention. apparently there was some theme paper that i was supposed to write. and turn in on turnitin.com.  is it just me or did he NOT say anything about that?
my head is tired. my body is exhausted. my soul feels like it's tied down with lead.
i know, im stupid for letting boys hold me like that. but i've never been held. not by my mom, but that's okay. she did enough for me as a baby and a kid.
my dad isn't the hugging type. i  think he only kissed me once. back before i moved here..before i was 10 years old. i remember the scruffiness of his cheek.
it was weird.
but i've never had affection. and i feel worthless without it. hence my low self esteem and my letting this happen.
i'll take what i can get.
i don't wanna do my homework adn shower and then fall asleep around midnight. i just want to sleep forever. i need a cucoon to hide in.
i feel so bad.
ugh. screw my life.
i cant even tell jeremy this because he might get mad at Clint and i dont wanna kill their friendship. i dont want to be the reason for anything else.
i need to stop thinking that i'm going to find a boy that'll keep me afloat during the turmoil in my life. i need ot stop reaching for guys when i have problems.
i dont want to hurt anyone. i don't want to get into a relationship of any kind. i dont want a boy to worry about me, i dont want a boy to fuss over me.
i fear that i'll push everyone who loves me away.
ugh. i have a headache.
...when i told clint i was too screwed up to keep going he told me i was such a sweet girl and i should give it a second chance. i said no. and he said well...friends, then? and i said i guess. and then i told him i was going to sleep.
i feel awful. ruined things with jeremy, now clint. and things with kaleb are long gone.
at least i still have gilbert. haha there's no way i'm screw that up.
the only male figure in my life who hasnt caused me grief.
agh.
well..i should go...
boop my life.