if boops healed hearts, i'd boop your mom all day!

this morning started off with my heart being put on the lawn of life and shredded up with the lawn mower of truth.
metaphors.
it's what's for dinner.
-ahem-
anyways, i woke up form a dream about isaac, and decided i was making myself miserable by staying with jeremy. hanging in this state of limbo where he thinks we're dating but i know we're not and he loves me and i can't love him. so i told him i didnt want to date him and we should respect the platonic nature of our initial approaches.
and he got all depressed and that killed me.
so i had to wait til the end of the school day to talk to him.
in that school day i did several tests, several of which i'm sure i bombed. and my grades have just started to straighten out, but i dont expect that to be for long.
gilbert made me feel better in ceramics because he made me laugh.
and then lunch was nice. nita shared her snickers ice cream madness wiht me. ice cream for lunch, WIN. ahhh seminary's great now that im rebelling and going in nita's class. i wish i was in her class next year. i have a sinking feeling that's not happening because her dad's in charge of all the seminary stuff. agh.
English was sorta painful again because kaleb can make it seem like the last year hasn't really happened at all. like we're still great friends and we still have all these inside jokes. like we still own each other.
but i dont even see him anymore.
i wish he'd just hate me. then it'd be easier to live my life.
but whatever. once i don't have english with him, im sure he'll detach himself form me completely. and that'll probably make me depressed, but it's better than inconsistency.
my brain feels overloaded. i don't even remember what i was tested on, today.
the walk to the buses took three times longer than normal since we were across the room.
then i started talking to jeremy and he's not depressed. mostly confused. he doesn't want to give up. but i discouraged that. i dont want to deal with the messiness of whatever we had anymore.
i don't wanna deal with anything.
i just want to run away. i dont ever want to look back. i need to start over somewhere else. FAR AWAYYY!!!!
i wish i was moving instead of udi.
then at least kaleb will have a good friend.
i have a lump in my throat. todays just a depressing day!
i miss kaleb, in all honesty.
and i wish i didn't have to do this to jeremy.
the only guy in my life who hasn't really caused me any emotional pain at all, is gilbert.
frekkn a, gilbert. making everything okay.
UGH.
and i have to go to my dad's house tonight.
hah. ahhhh...im gonna do entertain my wishes and look at houses for sale near ohio and missouri.
i do that during class sometimes.
bless your freaking faces.
boopdeedoop.

THURSDAYS SUUUCKKK!!!!! D8

AGH.

i woke up kinda late and i didnt wake up until sixth hour where mr. Bailey made up get out of our seats and move around. and then i had to sit by kaleb again. usually that'd be fun for me. but now it's just an annoying little pain, like an itch. because i miss him and he acts like we never hung out all the time. but whatever. he's the least of my problems.

My rosetta stone is due tomorrow. didn't do it. i think this will bring me down to a D in that class. which sucks because i just brought up y D in math to a C. if i can stay, even just swaying on the C-line than i should be okay. D's are bad. and it's not like i don't know german, it's rosetta stone. i hate it. and i dont do thinks i like. usually. 

im currently texting clint. we're very alike it's SCARY 0.o 

but im just getting to know him, so i have yet to discover if he's insane like i am. or maybe he's caught the butterfly of sanity i have yet to find. 

DUDE! bailey said we didnt have to run in our character web project until monday! YES!! thank you spirit world!!! AGHH!!! THANK YOU!!! this is why i go to seminary!!

hahaha

ahh..i finished my chemistry platos. now i just have to do math. 

i'm alone in the house. my mom's at work, and afterwords she's going to the airport to pick up newjerseyboyfriend. so all my siblings are at my dad's house. i needed to come here because there's Internets here. 

Gilbert likes to tease me about what happens between my mom and newjerseyboyfriend while we're all at my dad's.

i'd rather not think about it.

ahhh im gonna miss sara. im sad that she's switching schools next year. sad face. to the max.

well, i should keep going on rosetta stone. 

joys.

peace

around the world

for generations.

boop. 

Dear Nita,

HOLY CRAP!
i opened my backpack after getting home from another eemingly pointless day at school, to discover your present hiding behind my laptop!
Another CD and EXTREMELY fancy dark swiss chocolate?!
i need to breathe. seriously. i need to BREATHE INNNNNN!!!!!
gah.
whoa! thank you so so so so so much!
aww..heart..melting...
thank youuu:) dude and i'm looking at the list of tracks...hah! this is what i'm going to listen to every time i start to feel upset!
nita, you know how to make me feel better:D

your friend,
a depression-recovered chocolate addict

people. livin' just to FIND EMOTION

it's a half day. HALLELUJAH! thank you spirit world!
i turned in my thing for the art show. my art teacher really liked it. my art teacher intimidates me, but when he's nice, it's nice.
the girl across from me has professional markers that make her drawings look like they were printed out, she's very good. very admirable.
haha i like sketching and being abstract rather than being precise. well, i can be precise sometimes too. my mind's just to scattered to stick to one form of art.
i like gilbert, i'm so glad i have him in my life.  he's so nice and frekkn SMART, too. colleges across the world want him. i sometimes forget how great it is to hang out with him, until after ceramics class when i kinda miss him until lunch. agh. he's such a great companion. and his ideals aren't screwed up in anyway. he's not the typical highschool dude. he care about his future, he's responsible and practical and thinks about what he does.
after all these jerkfaces with their phony "live in the moment" attitude that get them only so far.
after gilbert gets all rich, the world will realize how handsome he is and he'll buy a huge house somewhere far from arizona, and he'll probably invent something we'll all need someday. and to think, i used to sit next to him and make dumb ceramic top hats, and obsess over fedoras! dude. i saw harry potter with him. he even changed the backround on my computer! :D
whoa!!
okay, wait. am i swooning over the future gilbert? hah.
when i was saying my prayers last night, i realized i pray for alot of people. i pray for all my friends, i feel guilty if i leave anyone out. also, my teachers and my mom in her room and my dad down the road. and my friend's parents.and then i pray for the boys in my life. because they need alot of help. and udi. i pray for udi  A LOT. i pray for kaleb too. and gilbert. and jeremy. i pray for jeremy alot, but not as much as i do for udi.
sometimes, i think udi is so close to being happy. so close..but i think depression gives you this weird, mega-focused perspective that's easy to dwell in, even if it hurts. and it's easier to stay in there than to get out and be happy. but i dunno, i feel like he's just so close to finding something to make him happy.
i liek seeing udi laugh and smile. it's like entertaining a baby. i hope udi can find someone or something to make him smile all the time. especially because he's moving to utah.
i pray for jeremy because he needs to be more mature and serious if he's gonna survive in the outside world. and i know it's a long shot, but maybe i can influence him enough to check out the church.
and maybe then things can at least end smoother.
i pray for kaleb because i know he's a spiritual person and he's filled with good. he's a good person. but he follows the wrong people. and i pray for him because i don't want him to find himself unhappy.
i also pray for shyloh, i want her to be happy and be able to see what kaleb needs.and i don't want her to feel empty or alone.
if i pray for all these people, i don't need to ask God for help in my life, because as long as these peeps are happy, i'm at least content.
school. i hate you.
bleh.
wait
YESS HALFDAY!! YEAHHH!!!
okay. i should go.

welcome home

the first post i see on facebook is my mom saying:



I would rather deal with a hundred drug addicts and criminals in this court than one spoiled rotten brat.

...awesome.

JE T'AIME!

you know there are alot of things that make me sad. i suppose im one of those "sensitive" people. which is why watching depressing movies is so much fun for me. i love FEELING things emotionaally. that's why books are awesome. that's why writing is awesome!
stuff like last night happens a lot. i could get depressed and wrap myself up in my own world so i don't have to deal with the painfulness of it all.  i could just as well look around at all the horrible things around me and let it eat into my heart, and let myself drown in all the things i COULD be sad about.
but im not going to because i was stuck in a rut for a year of my life, and i don't want to go back.
for once i'm going to shvoe last night away and not dwell on it. i'll forgive my mom. she's probably got a lot to deal with. i started another art project, smaller but..hey. the first is always the best so, oh well.
there's nothing done last night that can be undone. i just need to accept that my  mom can get upset sometimes. and it give me a chance to get closer to my siblings. i got to hug my brother last night. usually he loathes me, but he found me comforting last ngiht. sure he was crying, but it's close enough.
and i'm so grateful for my friends. nita, you're awesome and thanks for the comment on the last post, sometime si thin running away is a great idea. haha
i had trouble fall asleep, but i was too tired to get up. i found myself staring at the ceiing when i got a text from kaleb. he was reminiscing about how we used to be.
that should have comforted me, but it just made me pissed off. you know, kaleb..you can't just do that. that's not what friends do. you cant just jump in and out of my life when it's convinent for you.
i didn't reply, even though i kinda wanted to console in him about my ngiht.
but he wouldn't care.
i love that jeremy's been there the whole time through everything. even before my parent's divorce.
he's always let me come to him and vent about how i felt when my heart is broken and he's kept me happy and alive.
i think out of respect for jeremy and the things he's done for me, i'm not goign to throw away my life by being depressed. i'm going to LIVE, goshdanget. i'm not going to give a care if my mom doesn't like the idea of me living.
but i am.
i'm going to be happy at home, and i will eat good food and i will tell jeremy i love him. and i'll only hang out with the amazing, awesome, smart, funny, people who appreicate me. i'm gonna be nice to my mom, and i'm going to write all the time and keep doodling and enjoy my music. i'm gonna go to church every week and attend meetings withot fail. im gonna do better on daily scriptures and continue saying prayers ever ngiht, and start sayign them when i wake up.
i'd rather have all these goals than get into my suicidal mindset.
haha frick. if i talked ot my past self like this, she'd punch my in the face.
but i guess..now i have a reason to be happy. i realized someone loved me.
and maybe you don't have someone in love with you, but i garentee you, there's always someone on your sidelines rooting for you the whole way.
thanke to "hey jude" for being my soundtrack as i fell asleep last night.
BOOP

wtf

 need to cool down so i'm going to vent to the blog for  sec. though i may regret it.
my mom got all pissy because her camera broke and decided to go into that mood where she screamed at us as if she wasn't right in our ears. she called us names, stuff i don't wanna say.
i went to my room after an unsuccessful attempt at scriptures and prayers and turned up my grooveshark's volume really loud and shoved the earbuds deep into my ears, trying my best to drown myself int he music blasting into every cell of my brain. i started working on this massive poster i'm doing for the art show. it's an abstract sketching of all the crazy stuff in my head. once colored, it'd win me a nice prize. with the music washing through my head, and the colors coming from my fingers, i felt somewhat calmer.
didn't last.
mom swung open my door and it hit the adjacent wall with a bang and she screamed at me, and i closed my eyes trying to make the harsh sound of her yelling roll off my skin instead of cutting into it. i heard her words 'clean the kitchen" inside the loudness. i tore myself from the music, and the difference was so harsh  wanted to cry. but i decided to keep a poker face because crying would make mom feel guilty, and make her scream more. and being angry would make her excited to accept my challenge and show how angry SHE could be in return.
i went down the stairs and started doing the dishes left over from her attempt at making dinner. i heard her screaming upstairs at my siblings, my blood boiled. OK. You can scream at ME all you want, i probably deserve it, i HAVE been happier than usual, and that probably pissed her off. but DON'T YOU DARE take this out on my siblings. they're too young to even go down the street without observation, you think they deserve to get that kind of verbal abuse form the only parent they have around?
EFF NO!
but i didn't scream at her to back off because she might hurt them or some downstairs and get me. or worse, destroy my computer. besides, she didn't usually lay hands on us. she likes to scream though. maybe she'd get tired and retreat to her room like she usually did. but i still bit my lip and grumbled some of the things i wanted to shout up to her. the pound in my head returning at the thought of my siblings going to be with teary eyes. i wished i could sneak them out of the house to a save haven somewhere else.
i was almost done with the dishes, scraping the grease off of a pan when i saw my mom's furious countenance stomp into view. her long black hair swayed as she moved towards me, her teeth bared like an animal. her eyes, were wide and crazed. She bore her teeth while she spit the words, "DID YOU CLEAN THE LITTER BOX LIKE I ASKED YOU TO?!"
i didn't have time to brace myself.
this time, the words cut into my chest like knives. she must have told me to do the box but i didn't hear her over the music and through her loudness.
my heart sunk. i was never going to get any homework or my shower or my art project done if she kept giving me chores to do this late at night.
the last thing  wanted to do was be snobby, so in a calm voice i said, "well, i'm cleaning the kitchen right now-" with that she spun on her heel and i heard her ascend the stairs. THUMPTHUMPTHUMPTHUMP
i cringed, feeling the harshness in the air she left behind.
you know how sometimes you can tell when the spirit has totally and completely left your house? yeah. that was this.
"I'M PUTTING IT ON YOUR BED, ANNABELLE! I'M PUTTING IT ON YOUR BED!!"
i turned off the hissing water of the sink, trying to comprehend. what? putting...
my throat closed.
i left the pan in the sink and ran upstairs. maybe she wouldn't do it!
but it was too late. i got to my room and saw the catbox sitting atop my art project. A cry escaped my throat and i lifted the box off of my bed and carried it back into the bathroom. i ran back to my room and picked up my project. it had huge unsightly yellow stains all over it.
i wanted to throw up, i crumpled to the ground holding the poster, looking at it. i started crying.
which of course was another mistake made by the incredibly STUPID annabelle, because my mom came to my cries like a shark come to blood. She screamed at me to keep crying. she said if i didn't clean the box RIGHT NOW she would dump it all over my bed. I nodded, trying to stop my ridiculous sobbing and went to the bathroom and took the box down to the trash and dumped it out and refileld it with new litter.
i returned to the kitchen and continued cleaning, now crying but being quiet about it because my brother was int eh other room vacuuming and i didn't want to scare him.
i felt selfish for crying over my art project, but i couldn't believe she would do something like that. something i worked hard on. what else was she willing to do to hurt us? 
millions of the usual thoughts raced through my head.
okay. i need to go upstairs and put on my shoes. i need to pack and go to kaleb's house. he'll let me crash there for the night. i can bring money and call a cab and be out of here by  sunrise.
my tears stopped and my eyes burned as i packed my supplies.
but i realized i couldn't leave. if i did, my siblings would be alone. i couldn't do that to them. and i'd have to return sometime, i guess. and when i did, she'd beat the living hell out of me. one way or another.

i didn't put my shoes on or even ask kaleb if he could open his window so i could go over there.
instead i crumpled my art project up, and curled up on my bed.
the more i thought about it, the mo re i realized that kaleb probably wouldn't have let me crash at his place at all. we're hardly friends anymore. that thought sent a wave of pain over me. i had nowhere to go.
i wish jeremy wasnt at work, so i could tell him this. i wish he didnt live in chandler so i could be held after things like this.
but im not going to be, im lucky that i have someone far away, at least there's someone. right?...
and now here i am, writing this and feeling heavier with every word.
so now you're up to date.
frekkn a.

my thanks to chocolate and church

Easter was actually really nice.
i woke up still upset from saturday night. then all during church i learned about the suffering and pain Jesus went through when he atoned for our sins. he knows exactly what i've been through, from being suicidal to not feeling the way i want to. seems impossible anyone could fathom how bad it was, is. but Jesus knows. and yet he was able to bear that and more and still rise with rebirth three days later.
i grew up a member and have always just..known Jesus and God were there. it's not a question in my mind, it's just a solid fact. just like i have fingers.
and i'm connected to Jesus, my older, because he knows exactly what i'm going through.
and even if i lose jeremy in the end because of our differences...i still have Jesus as a friend i can always come to the way i did with jeremy, and he will understand.
i left church, feeling refreshed and less burdened because somehow the spirit of the whole renaissance holiday made me feel rejuvenated.
when i got home i laid it all out for jeremy. i told him that i loved and cared for him with infinite measures but i still wasn't in love with him. maybe because my of my past, maybe i needed time to fall completely in love with him.
and he said it was okay. he said he love loved me even if i ddint' love him the same way.
that made me want to cry.
that's true love.
and maybe it was because of all the easter chocolate or the lack of homework-doing or the fact that i was finally loved for who i was, unconditionally...but i could NOT fall asleep.
and i had a dream the sunrise had leaked onto the earth we we could all walk on the light, while the sky was still black with night.
i dreamt kaleb was there. he was so real looking. i thought it wasn't a dream because of the painful amount of detail in his face. the shine on his eyelids.
it killed me.
it bugs me i don't dream about jeremy.
i miss him already. maybe next time i'll try and think less, and avoid a headache and that'll make it easier to enjoy being with him.
ahh. just knowing that he's willing to give me time and help me not be so screwy, makes me love him. i feel so safe because of him. i don't have to worry that i'm doing something wrong, that i'm being the wrong kind of person, that i'm not pretty, that i don't deserve to live.
all of these things bothered me up until two weeks. maybe you couldn't tell. but it's true.
i think jeremy's the perfect candidate to be the first one i actually kiss. because he actually LOVES me. dude.
i'm still stunned by that.
by even the possibility.
freaking A, jeremy. what am i going to do with you?
boop.

there must be something wrong with me, i swear.

it's easter eve and i just got back from a date? date-like..thing. it's 11:44 right now, i got home just a few minutes after curfew. enough to freak my mom out but not make her ground me.
jeremy (with his hair finally cut short) arrived in his old blue car with a Filipino guy named Ace. He later told me his name was Ulysses but i like to pretend he didn't. we found the rest of his posse (the same ones i had seen last time Dalton, Chris, Ryan, Clint, Mike) we chilled at a grassy volleyball field behind a pond.
i'd like to tell you all a fantastic story about how jeremy took my hand and i felt my heart come back to life and i fell in love with him. unfortunately for everyone involved
i cannot.
it all felt so mechanical. hand, hold. feel fingers. lean back against his chest. let him hold me. stare at sky. wish i wasn't here.
i wished i wasn't there. i wanted to press a button and make it all disappear. make me go back to my room. make it so that i never got involved with him.
as the night wore on, i felt numb inside. the familiar ache behind my left eye returned. it pulsed, my head radiated pain. it was a dull roar for the majority of the night. like someone was prodding my brain with a rod telling me that i should break Jeremy's heart.
but i leaned against Jeremy, breathing int he scent of axe, convincing myself that i deserved to  hold someone.
the last "relationship" i had wasn't even a relationship. i never held him. i wanted to. there were times when i held myself back from stroking the part of his neck where his hair starts to curl over. i never went up behind him and rested my cheek on his shoulder, no matter how close i was.  but yet i felt so much towards him. so much it was overload me. i couldn't think about anything but him and i'd cry at night with the heaviness of it all.
but with jeremy it's completely the opposite. i feel absolutely noting towards him. and yet i can be here, leaning against him as the sun slips behind the mountains.
my head continued to pulse.
i felt like a dumb old baby when i was with him. i was unable to love him, but when he got up, even to get a bottle of water, i felt neglected. and i immediately built up a wall inside of me that said, well i'll brace myself for him not returning.  i also noticed that when i don't get an answer after a few minutes, i forget i was texting him and accept i might not get an answer for the rest  of the day. and it's always weird when he DOES answer me.
there was one point when he and ace got into a game of chess. i watched Jeremy with intent. trying desperately to fall in love with him. to see something in him i adored. to see...anything. but again mechanical. no poetic details. short black hair. brown skin. small eyes. eyebrows slightly raised like he's amused. normal looking ears. nose. mouth. chin. throat. black shirt. arms. hands.
i wanted to find something about him that i found beautiful.
my mind throbbed with physical pain. clint started playing the piano and i became more fascinated watching his cut up fingers play across the keys. he found out i had a slight beatles obsession and played hey jude. aghh clint. making my headache cease for even a few minutes. clint made me laugh. i like clint. i wish i had classes with him,
i closed my eyes and leaned against my chair, wishing i knew what to do.
secretly, i had left the house sort of excited and expecting my first kiss, but the ache pounding within my skull told me otherwise.
i looked over at Jeremy who was staring at the chess board, thinking and planning his next move. i expected to feel a pang of regret at least. but nothing. my heart still remained completely cemented.
this is how i feel when i'm supposed to be crying. like at girls camp during devotionals or a really deep fireside. or a movie. or whatever. when people around me get all sullen and teary eyed and im just sitting there blank. i feel like a monster.
and i felt my own monstrosity as i looked at jeremy's face and felt no pain for him. no pain for what i was going to have to do to him.
i suppose i could do what kaleb did after shyloh came along. kaleb, as everyone knows, used to be my best friend. my homeskillet. but after he started going out with his latest girlfriend, he just gave me the cold shoulder, basically and now we're not really friends anymore.
i guess i can do that. i guess i can make it so that i t end s by itself. fade out instead of chop it away like jeremy's last girlfreind did.
i contemplated this, my mind churning in on itself and told jeremy it was time to take me home. he had to pick up someone from somewhere so ace and mike tagged along.
we rode off into the night.
"so," came ace's voice form the back seat. "are you guys dating?"
i looked up at the moonless night sky. it was really pitch black. the stars looked down at me expectantly.  it kinda made me fantasize about the mystery reoccurring character in my dreams named isaac. i imagined isaac had a heachache, knowing i was in trouble somehow. i felt a tugging sensation in my stomach, i wished i knew where isaac was. WHO he was, for that matter. I got a lump in my throat wondering if he even realized i existed yet.
"YES" jeremy said while i said, "i don't even know.."
i felt like there was a rat clawing at the back of my eyes.  I realized i hadn't smiled very much that night.
i clasped my own hand in my lap, wishing isaac could comfort me out of the impossible.
I should have protested reminding jeremy that i wasnt 16 yet, and that i wasn't IN love with him. but my mouth had been sewn shut with tiredness from the night and the pain in my mind.
we arrived at the house, and i was thankful to mike and ace riding in the back,
 they said a friendly, "see ya later" which i said "see ya" and got out, shutting the door and going around he back, crossing the street. jeremy didn't emerge. i took long strides up my lawn and through the front door.
kiss
avoided.
greeted with the sight of my mother "innocently" doing a puzzle at the table by the window. i raised my eyebrows at her and slammed the door int he middle of her saying "don't sla-"
i marched to the stairs, and heard mom say in an awkward mom voice, 'So...was..there any..." and i said, "Nope" and went up stairs through the dark. I dunno what she was going to say. that's the sad part. but whatever it was, there wasn't any of it.
haha not even drugs. though while standing around daltons truck at the park, a white suburban came by, music thumping.  a bunch of high kids were hotboxing the crap out of themselves. "hey," a voice called out from inside. a slurred spanish accent. "you guys need anything, trees, exo, pot?"
"nah, man," called chris. "we're good," he laughed.
i felt jeremy tense around me. i wasn't worried. they were too high to do anything, and they were in our power, anyways.
"TRAVELING DISTRIBUTOR!" yelled another fuzzy-sounding voice.
i rolled my eyes. they drove off quickly, knowing if they got too obnoxious we could call the cops.
there was a girl at the park for a little while.  i talked to her. she had dropped a glass stereo on her feet that morning and complained about it to me.  she was pretty chill, and i thought she was weird for talking to me because girls don't really like talking to me in real-life.
i'd like to think it's my gift of being able to click with boys and communicate with them, but maybe it's because i'm odd.
but it took me a second to realize, oh, she's not being friendly. she's just stoned and her feet hurt and she needs someone to complain to. it made me feel a bit sad. like being stoned make you go into this world where the social rules don't matter and you float around the earth just..being...stoned.it sounded lonely.
i wanted to give her a hug but that may have been a bit much even for a stoner.
i forget her name. might have been Ashley.
i'm proud to say that all the people i hung out with are drug-free. they're all good kids. they'd rather hang out and play Frisbee than get high.
i think jeremy wants me to text him, my phone's been silent. but i dont want to. i have nothing to say to him.
im tired and i have a headache, still. i'm tempted to make pizza and stay up for a while, living up the last of my weekend..but i have church till  1, and it's easter so i probably have to get up early...
i really don't want to deal with the world right now.
screw my life..

hey.

with everything you're given, comes disappointment. no matter how fantastic it is or seems, there's always some part of you that knew it could have been slightly better.
don't deny it. it's not pessimism, it's letting your imagination take it's toll.
but it's better to accept this than pretend you didn't notice it. especially once you get into a relationship. they may say they love you, but that doesn't satisfy some people. some people don't like it to be said at all, some people need to hear it constantly. whatever the case is, make sure you tell this to the person you're with.
actually, make sure you flat out tell them ALL your expectations and demands and requirements at the beginning. lay out what you think the relationship will be like, how close you're willing to get with them, and how you'd like it to end. if this talk and decision making is awkward, you've set yourself up for a lamesauce relationship.
if the person you're with isn't the amazing awesome superhero you've cut them out to be, don't flip out. it's critical to be flexible, and not care when they're not as cute as they can be. this happens with everyone, no matter their cuteness level.
also, if you want to break the girl stereotype, go ahead and NOT get mad at everything they do. there are going to be times when you feel less lovey towards them, but that means you should go vent to the blog or a random word document mmmmmmmKAY? you should be the most chill person in a relationship ever. just be careful that you don't stop caring, because they'll get bored and cheat on you, and that's just...not...good. so. yeah.
just thought i'd post this for future references, to anyone and me beginning a relationship.

i find the less whiney i am, the less i have to whine about.

i could go into a long depressing spiel about my family and hwo i feel about mesa and all the sad things that popped into my head yesterday, but no. anyways,
WHOA. easter pagent was amazing. the angels and jesus were my favorite.
and the 10 vigin dance? wow. made everyone cry. cept for me, heartless as always.
i think the best part about the easter pagent (besides the beauty in all the actors and actresses running around) is seeing how many people gather to see it.
my dad parked a block away form the temple, and we followed the stream of people towards the temple grounds. it was fun, like something big was happening. people were carrying blankets, babies, pizza boxes, and everyone seemed to either be smiling or looking around with curiosity. i didn't see one grim face. and in mesa, that's a feat. when we walked across the grass, the trees swayed to reveal a GIANT congregation of people! i mean it was huge! i was just blown away by how many people were there in anticipation. that's what it must have been like in heaven, back when everyone knew god, and not just a select few. it kinda made me miss it, even though i can't remember it.
and the show was great. if you haven't seen it, i highly recommend seeing it one year.
dude.
but the crowd seemed very comfortable to me. safe, like we all knew each other. like everyone there was family. as if we werent int he middle of the most ghetto cities in arizona, but we were all sitting together in a nicer place.
it was nice.
afterwords we went and got frozen yogurt in this tiny frozen yogurt shop we used to go to when i was a kid. the ancient pac-man machine was still there. it smelled exactly the same. and it tasted exactly the same! dude. once i'm able to drive and date for reals, i am showing my boyfriends that place.
today was a nice relaxing day off from school. tomorrow's saturday. jeremy's coming to see me. and he's gotten a haircut, YESS! it was kinda long when i saw him a couple weeks ago.  i told him to get it cut and after a long bit of convincing i told him we'd have a minimum of a foot distance apart if he didn't get it cut. and then he said. "fine. i'll do it."
hahahahaaaa suckaa!
i'm excited to see him tomorrow, and i'm also excited for easter. and i'm excited for school to be over in a few weeks.
i'm glad i have stuff to look forward to.
that's one of the small things in life, i've learned to appreciate. having things to look forward to.

today feels like a friday!

yo
the juniors had testing today so i got to spend two and a half periods in the art room. it was nice because there was a sub in there and she didnt care when i opened my laptop and started playing music.
i also finished all my week's worth of chemistry and math. is it sad that all that can be done within a couple hours? and i'm not asking for more work..i'm just saying...maybe going to school everyday is a bit much. YOU FEEL ME, BROSKI?!
i'm goign to the easter pagent today. woo.  my aunt is goign to pick me and my siblings up after school adn then take us to mesa. fianlly. getting out on the road for the night. we're gonna have dinner at my grandparent's house and then we're gonna go to the temple and find a sport to sit. i was origanally goign to see it with nita nad lizi. that sounds more fun. we were gonna get pizza and make a picnic out on the grass while we watched.
i might see jeremy on saturday and that excites me.
i painted my nails. they're blue with silver tips.
i'm glad i have this weekend with mom.
i wish we didn't have to come to school on monday. it's a real mood-killer after a three day weekend
but i think i'll have so much candy left over from easter, i'll be satisfied with myself. CHOCOLATE FTW!
oh speaking of chocolate. i went into the kitchen around midnight to get chocolate chips (don't judge me) and i heard this weird banging, like someone was kicking the cupboards.i had watched a documentary about ghsots earlier that day so i marched into the kitchen determined to drive away the lsot spirit. but it turned out to be my cat. he was swatting and chasing at a scorpion.
i leaped up into the island and sat there perched watching the baby brown scorpion curling it's stinger in an put, it's short forearms extrended, pinching it's claws.
scorpions are so ugly. i hate them. the baby ones are supposedly the most deadly ones.
i watched it scuttle under the fridge and i inched away.
and yeah. i slept with shoes on. SO WHAT
i'm supposed ot be doing rosetta stone.
i dd all my math homework. hopefully that'll help my grade somehow. that and my three tests that i aced. the next two we're taking today are also easy.
they're over inverse, converse, and contrapositive statements.  could do it in my SLEEP.
udi told me that my shoe was untied he said i might fall into a pit of spikes.
WELL isn't he social today?
i should go.



bless your face, if you sneezed during this post, bless you.
peace off, BOOOOOOOOOO-WHOOOOO-WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP

BEST 4/20 EVER!!!

hahaha im still laughing.
so yesterday, sara, adrienne, gilbert, chelsea nita and i formed an idea in which we were going to bring ingredients for the best ultimate feast ever.
it wasn't until we got to school today, that we realized how ridiculous it would look with it being world-wide stoner day and everything. hahaha
at lunch we all gathered at an outside table and began to combine our ingredients. sara put the peanutbutter in the bowl and i put in the chocolate chips and nita put in the powdered sugar. chelsea and adrienne popped and buttered the popcorn, and then i turned on my computer and began to blast bob marley.
instantly, the mood lightened and we laughed and we ate. people around us craned their necks to watch us.
powdered sugar covered the table-top like snow. the chocolate chips were melted almost instantaneously. it was such a mess. we made jokes like the powdered sugar was cocaine, gilbert rubbed some under his nose and suggested we walk into class looking dazed and confused.
nita and i were showered in the fine texture of the sugar, and it rubbed into our clothes. we were laughing too much, and being giddy too much to care.
the security guards stared from a distance, conversing and apparently choosing to ignore us and our sugary concoction and loud reggae music. 
we realized we were running out of time, so we scooped the last spoonfuls into our mouths and swept the powdered sugar into the breeze. laughing and still licking the spoons, we parted, throwing away the garbage, leaving the bewildered faces of our peers behind.
nita and i rubbed the sugar our of our clothes at the water fountain.
i think we should make this somewhat of a tradition.
ahh i love my friends. :)

irrelevant title

frick, jeremy's cute.
he said he loves me immensely. he said he loves me so much, he's surprised his heart hasn't exploded
that sent a jet of warmth from the giant smile on my face down to the tips of my toes.
it really bums me out that he's working on friday. i miss him. stupid society, making him cook people's food in a dimly lit bar. YOU DON'T DESERVE HIM!
i think there was a full moon last night but i was so happy and relaxed, my consciousness slipped away with ease. thank goodness. i hate being kept up by the brightness of the moon. i think that was the first time in a long time, i've actually gotten away with a good night's sleep. and of course, as always, i owe it to jeremy.
the guy who sits in front of me in OATS thinks he's suuuuch a stud. he's got his elbows on my best and chuckles every now and again, hoping i'll look up at him. dude. maybe if you weren't flexing your muscles like that... who do you think you are?!
why's this classroom always so cold, yo? i need a blanket. haha one of my favorite daydreams i had when i was in elementary school, was imagining that my bed had wheels and i wouldn't have to leave my bed when i went to school.  i still wish that could happen. either that or i could have a giant teddy bear with me at all times.
hastings just gave me my honor roll certificate thing. woo. i didn't know i made the honor roll. that's good, i guess.
ugh...i have to get shots afters chool. and i don't means like WOO SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS!! i mean like, needle, doctor..shots. that's just what i want. a need to the arm and in return, i get to stay at school.
bummer. no part of that makes me happy.
15 minutes left. what to do.
i'm glad my chem teacher isn't here today. she stresses me out. that whole class is a pain in the arsenic monosulfide.  disturbing, yet we persevere.
hah jeremy makes me all giddy.
hee
i'm so grateful that i have jeremy. he really takes care of me. finally. he's there to help me figure out what's wrong with me. i mean, we all KNOW there's something wrong with me, somethign slightly askew within the interior decorating that IS my head.
he's going to help me unravel all my past mistakes and send me away, a better person. with more confidence and hope. i love him with all i have and more. he's a blessing and an angel in my life.
MY IPOD IS LOSING BATTERY!
kids..never get a first generation ipod touch. they're not that fantastic.
and, SCENE.

bless your face.
boop.

knock knock. who's there? to. to who? no. to WHOM.

for a monday morning, i feel really good. very alive and pumped, like someone shot something into my bloodstream. i'm just bummed i have to waste this energy in school.
i had fun in ceramics with gilbert today. i hope we somehow get a class together next year. i'll miss him too much if i don't.
i'm already worried if me and my friends will have the same lunch. i've made enough friends as to where there's a great chance i'll be with at least most of them. but still...lunch without gilbert and nita seems sad
have you ever seen that movie "the secrets of NIMH"? it's that movie about the mouse and the crow and the national institute of mental health? it was a book first. well, the movie had some really beautiful music involved. i've been listening to it on a non-stop loop all weekend. it's not on grooveshark, or else it would have been the song of the day. the song's called "flying dreams" and if you type it into youtube, you might be able to find it.
it's the same mood as ender's game, which helps me read it.
have you READ ender's game? holy mother of books. it's amazing. if you're into genius six year olds. IN SPACE.
oh my gosh! have you heard?! there's no school on friday :D maybe i can see jeremy...
thursday's 4/20, too..so...
i'm glad i don't have to go to intervention this week. going to see my math teacher for an extra half hour everyday *shudder* never again.
i don't like my math teacher. he lets kids walk all over him and he doesn't talk charge of the class when he needs to. it's a pain in the neck. i wish i could stand up and teach the class, or at least let my teacher borrow my branding iron.
i really like being in nita's seminary class. i'm gonna have to do so much make-up work for my ditching my real class. that's lame because i'm actually learning MORE by skipping his class.
i feel guilty, though because i was among the most faithful to that poor dwindling class.
but hey. sometimes you have to break the rules.
i like mondays. i dont have anything planned for when i get home.
I LOVE GRAPES
i wish i had nita in my family for trek. eghh.
what else what else...uhh...5 more weeks. well, like 4 and a half. i'm not sure if we get out on a wednesday or not.
so exciting. but my summer's packed. trek. camp.carley's birthday.  i'm seeing part 2 of harry potter, spending a week with carley. hopefully seeing jeremy sometime in there. and then, school starts up again. and then my birthday. and then kaleb's birthday. and then udi and gilbert's birthday, conference, and halloween. after that the weather dies away and the holidays set in. after the holidays, there's spring and nita's birthday, general conference...the end of my junior year.
whoa.did i just travel through a whole year?
i wonder where i'll be, same time next year. who i'll be with. where i'll want to go. what song is stuck in my head.if i'll even remember this dumb blog.
time will tell.

less your face. if you sneezed during this post, bless you.
peace off
dodododo subscribe!
BOOP

if i was allergic to peanut butter, i'd be in a constant siezure

ah friday. our relationship is so weird. you heap on all this work for me to go through at school and yet you redeem yourself by making my afternoons completely stress free and open for adventures. today was especially nice because i got to chill at lizi's house with nita.
usually i have to go to my dad's house at 6, but i got to get out of the house. we hung out and met lizi's cute little kitten and her obnoxious dog. we watched harry potter 7 (AHHHHH IT'S ON BLUE RAY AND DVD FINALLY!!!!!!) and we ate pizza and watched tangled.
tangled is such a cute movie. it's one of those disney movies that made me have faith in the world again. made me feel warm and fuzzy inside. like mold.
similes.
heh.
i love my friends. they're so fun and so smart. commentary on movies with them is quite entertaining. i think without the friends i have, my life would lose alot of perspective. i mean, without lizi and her sweet outlook on life, and nita with her determination for an adventure, how could you possibly go wrong? also i think i'd be so deprived from some healthy laughter and smiling if it weren't for them.
i heard that udi might be moving to utah after this year. even though i don't know him that well, i know i'm going to miss him.
i kinda wish all my friends (or at least eh people i like) could live grouped together.
you know how seminary teachers are always saying that they saved very special people for this day and age? dude. i totally believe that. especially the people i've met. even at my age, they're all so intelligent and they truly see the world a million different ways, ways i've never seen the world through before. and i've tried on many perspectives.
another thing that tickles my brain is the fact that everyone who chose jesus' plan for the world, are al on earth. it's another tiny seed of hope inside mankind. no matter how rotten or selfish or rude people can seem...there's a chance they were standing next to you during the war in heaven.
isn't that something?
it makes me wonder who i've met. there's a VERY good chance i was already friends with nita and carley and probably kaleb before this earth was created. another thing that's puzzling about the pre-existence is that i've heard we had our life's map and we already knew what we were going to end up doing. i dont know if that's true, but that makes my brain want to explode. i bet right before i was born, i was pacing around going. "okay annabelle, DON'T forget to do this..REMEMBER to find this person.."
which would explain these dreams i've been having for a few years now. sometimes i'll dream of this guy named isaac, who've i've never even met before. and i don't know if his name is isaac in real life, taht may just be his temple name or his dream name...but he always hugs me and stuff and i'm supposed to meet him sometime after highschool. which is exciting in alot of ways.
although it could jsut be my silly head being silly.
haha that reminds me of when i plopped down on the couch with a plate of pizza and i turned to nita and said, "i eat my pizza upside down. is that weird?"
and lizi goes, "not for you"
hahahaha
ahh. true friends are the people that accept you, even if you're the strangest can of worms in the tackle shop.

bless your face, if you sneezed because you're allergic  to pets, bless you (a billion times)
peace off.
BOOP.

i cant think of a title for this post

awww it was soo cute. jeremy said he loved me, yesterday. 
and it was cute because he called me "anny" when he said it. Bleh. I wish i could see him in person again, :/ stupid distance.
for the past couple weeks, my heart's been all torn up. like someone put it in a garbage disposal. this is because i CAN'T love jeremy. i can't. i mean, even if i did..where would it go? i'm not saying i want to marry jeremy, but what if we progressed alot, and what if our future worked out well together? i couldn't marry him because he can't take me to the temple.
i know it's cliche to imagine yourself married to whomever you like at the time. it shows hope, and the promise of the relationship. unfortunately, even if i turn 16 and we still wanna go out...what's supposed to happen after that?
what i'm saying is; we're doomed.
and no, he's not going to convert. and even if he did, he'd do it for me and not for the right reasons. yknow?
he'd have to do it by himself, and be a good member with the priesthood before i'd be able to further any kind of relationship we'd have. and that would take FOREVER. and i'm tired of waiting. and i'm tired of knowing that things won't work out. i'm tired of being alone.
my mindset for now is to just soak up what i have now, and hopefully the memories of what i have now will help me get through what i have to do later.
but until then, i have time to be happy and just revel in the fact that someone actually LOVES me. whoa.
still trying to swallow that piece of information.
heh. kinda makes sitting here in chem class seem mundane. i wish i didn't have to go to school when i feel this alive and happy. school likes to smother the joy.
if i pretend that things between me and jeremy might work out in the end..i can feel what it's like to not have a broken heart. at least for a while.
haha all the juniors are getting all hot and bothered because of the junior bash next week. everyone's asking everyone. it's quite exciting.
i'm not going to the prom, or bash or whatever next year. maybe senior. probably not.
ahh my hands are all colorful from paint. i painted a crow. i like crows. i like birds over all. i  can relate to them.
WELL. i should save radiation. i mean battery. im learning about radiation in chem..ima go...boop.

this is a story i translated in german class. sometimes i think my german teacher is really bored at home.

there is a boy named otto. otto is interested in two headed cats. in a newspaper he sees an ad for a petshop

selling many rare cats. It is very late in the night so the pet store was closed. otto went to bed. he looks forward

to the next day and the two headed cat he will buy. he wakes very early and goes to the petstore. otto and the

cashier have a conversation. the cashier tells him they dont have any two headed cats but he has three headed cats

otto is very sad. he's afraid of three headed cats, but thinks that two headed cats are cute. just as otto is leaving, the guy goes, "wait i have a two headed cat but it's dirty." otto is happy! he prefers a clean two headed cat but he can he can wash the dirty two headed cat. otto goes home with the dirty two headed cat. he tries to stick it in the bath tub. the cat is afraid of the bathtub and climbs over otto! the dirty cat makes otto all dirty too. the cat jumps out of the indow and runs away. otto gets worked up. he has no cat! he is dirty and needs to wash himself.

er lies in the bathtub, bathes himself and cries.

School Sucks

it's the fourth quarter, and as everyone knows it is the most unbearable soul crushing quarter of the year.
just after standardized testing, the hopelessness kicks in.
i mean REALLY? i've done my stupid tests, now can i please go home and go into a coma for a couple months before i start this whole thing over again?
apparently NO. i have to stay in school, kick all my grades back up to their usual A's and B's to end the year properly,and  try to wring my brain of any information on what i learned from now since after christmas, so i can do well on my finals. i dont know what i learned last week in chemistry let alone three months ago! what am i? a robot? DROID.
no.
i dont even LIKE chemistry. i have no idea what i was thinking when i signed up for it. and pre-ap no less1 how did i expect to keep up with this crap? i suck at math. pre-ap enlgish is a different story. sometimes i almost wish we'd pick up the pace, but in chem the equations and assignments and rigorous memorization chokes my mind. i think my brain has tried to shoot itself! and that's not a good sign for anyone.
also, im about an entire unit behind on my rosetta stone. ugh. rosetta stone. curse you. curse you to the depths of hell itself. though you have helped me greatly in my pursuit to learn german, i am not amused with you counting all my pronunciations as wrong. I SAID "DAS BROT" FOO!
and you, geometry. i have a D? a D? D?!! how?? how do i have a D?! was it because i forgot to do that stupid PLATO last night? was it because i didn't use a calculator on my last test and failed? HOW DID THAT BRING ME DOWN TWO LETTER GRADES?! and the fact that my teacher has no idea, leads me to believe that i must blame the subject itself.
so help me.
watch. just watch. chemistry, math. i'm going to kick your grades up so high, your heads are going to be spinning even after summer starts.
AND SCREW YOU DANTES! YOURE SUCH A JERK! I HATE YOU!
school. i hope you die. i hope the zombie apocolypse finally teaches everyone that school was a waste of time because there wasn't ONE ZOMBIE SURVIVAL CLASS INVOLVED!

you ever have a song that fits your life so perfectly it's frightening?

Lift me up on my honor
Take me over this spell
Get this weight off my shoulders
I've carried it well
Loose these shackles of pressure
Shake me out of these chains
Lead me not to temptation

Hold my hand harder
Ease my mind
Roll down the smoke screen
And open the sky

Let me fly
Man I need a release from
This troublesome mind
Fix my feet when they're stumbling
And well you know it hurts sometimes
You know it's gonna bleed sometimes

Dig me out from this thorn tree
Help me bury my shame
Keep my eyes from the fire
They can't handle the flame
Grace cut out from my brothers
When most of them fell
I carry it well

Let me fly
Man I need a release from
This troublesome mind
Fix my feet when they're stumbling
I guess you know it hurts sometimes
You know it's gonna bleed sometimes

Now hold on
I'm not looking for sweet talk
I'm looking for time
Top a tower and sleep walk
Brother, cause it hurts sometimes
You know it's gonna bleed sometimes
Hold on

You know its gonna hurt sometimes
When you call me
Hold on
Hold on
Hold on

I'm gonna climb that symphony home and make it mine
Let his resonance light my way
See, all these pessimistic sufferers tend to drag me down
So I could use it to shelter what good I've found

...not that i don't enJOY being sweet talked. hehe

heart like a hot pocket.

my heart is burning on the outside and frozen on the inside apparently.  i got pummeled with so much but yet i cant emit ANYTHING. im such a...there's just...OKAY. so today i..BLARGH!
WHERE TO BEGIN?!
okay..so..jeremy and i have been really irritated with the lack of each other's physical presence. so he got off work early and drove down to pick me up.
i think my favorite part of the night was meeting all his friends who live int he greens and copper basin. we all hung out at the park until it closed.
today, also happened to be one of the freaking most coldest night of the year so far. we could see our breath. good thing i brought a jacket.
i suppose i was lucky, like god deliberately altered the weather patterns just to allow jeremy to hold me. oh man. i've  never been held before. i've never felt someone's love radiating through me like that. whoa. i loooove hands, they're my favorite part of a guy and jeremy's hands are so nice. they're smooth and dry and bigger than mine. he was super warm! as the night went on i was pretty much welded into a hug with him. i like that when he held my hands, he caressed my icy skin. i liked hearing his voice near my ear.
but we're not going out, i'd like to clarify that. i didn't let him kiss me or anything. we hugged and were in each other's arms very innocently. trust me.
his friends were all so nice. they were such cool people. i like how they all straightened up after i told them i was mormon. jeremy was standing behind me with his hands around my waist and his chin on my shoulder, and i held his hands over my stomach, when one of the girls was like, "so are you two dating?" it was kinda funny how everyone turned and looked at us. i explained how i was mormon and they all said "oh.." and then looked at us confused. hahahaha ahh...i think if i didn't have jeremy to hold onto, i would have felt really alone. just standing off to the side, watching them.
AGH. that's a perk of being a wallflower, not every wallflower has. if you hang out with a group of people you dont know and just hang out to the side alone, you look aloof. but when you hang off to the side int he arms of someone else, you DON'T look aloof, in fact you look the least forlorn.
there were two girls who i dont remember at all, and then the boys who were:
dalton, wore a fedora. was the tallest. describes himself as huggable. carried axe around.
clint, cute guy with rosy cheeks and curly blonde hair. ate his pizza with two hands. smiled at me alot.
tyler, nice. probably the funniest. had three dogs. his house smells like smoke. he was interesting.
chris, cute. baseball hat. looked weird at the end of the night when he took it off. was puerto rican.
mark, glasses. liked to show off. didn't have solid opinions. went with the crowd. didn't really like him.
and there was a kid with red hair whose name i cant recall. he didn't talk much. which was cool.
the two girls who were there were nice and not snobby at all. one was trying to be sexy and get more attention than me. it didn't work...i kinda felt bad though. i hate attention. and i felt like an intruder, meeting them all and sucking all the girl's attention away. but it's okay. i'll probably never see them again. and if i do, it'll be way in the future.
Ughhhh future...
my heart hurts when i try and think ahead. i'm not in love with him. that's what's so painful about all this. being against him, all warm, was amazing. i felt very safe and content and in my place. but my heart was on fire and my throat was closing. i didn't feel anything for him. i didn't yearn for him and i didn't desire him or love him or...anything like what i felt when i WAS in love.
it was just...weird. i wasn't empty like i normally am. but i wasn't full. i felt very special and looked after and loved. it's such a great feeling, but it just makes my heart burn more. ugh. it hurts a lot.
and jeremy is so gentle.  i dont want to hurt him at all. i wish we could just hang in this weird state where im not old enough to date and he's too far away to break my heart every time i see him but i still get to be sweet talked and held tightly when we do meet.
this is such a bittersweet thing i have.
once the park became too dark for his friends to have climbing competitions  on the swing set and playground, we went to the basketball court and laid our heads on each other's stomachs. i laid on jeremy's stomach and he held my hands on my chest. i breathed hot air onto his fingers which must have been freezing on top of mine. the pavement under my back make me shiver. we were looking at the stars. he played with my hair and touched my ear..
if i was in love with him, i would have been so happy and excited i would have melted into a big puddle. but im not so i just closed my eyes and tried to trap the feeling of his finger brushing my jawline.
poor, poor jeremy. i feel so terrible.
i'm not in love with him?
this is killing me.
ohh. how am i going to break up with someone like him?
annabelle.
what, JUDY?
chill.
NO! I HAVE SOMEONE'S HEART IN MY HANDS I CAN'T CALM DOWN.
well, do so.
FINE.
annabelle
fine. okay. im calm.
i think you need to focus ont he present for now. that's what being young is about. making mistakes.
SO YOU DO THINK..ahem...so you do think it's a mistake?
no. i just think that you should give him a chance because he treats you so well.
well just because i wasnt treated well in the past, doesn't mean jeremy's the only one who'll do that.
you really think you'll be able to find this again?
i'd hope so. i mean, if i don't i'm just gonna be...
miserable?
I DIDN'T SAY THAT.
yeah but you thought it.
SO. i think a lot of things!
yeah you do.
SHUT UP SHUT UP!!!


ugh. judy.
im gonna go. i have church in a while. i have sand in my hair. GOOD FREAKING DAY TO YOU!
bless your face. if you sneezed while being held by someone who loves you, bless you.
boop.

FOR I AM GOLIATH!!

hi im in geometry.
today was pretty good. it's friday, finally. and chem was painless because it was a lab.
i didn't turn in my math homework. which is shameful because it's on nets, but last night i wasn't feelin' it so i never opened my computer. i read my books all afternoon. the best and worst part of reading is coming to the end. im only a couple chapters away.
my teacher passed out mini candy bars because we worked really well for him. the day he was referring to was the day i had ditched. i went to the back,  pretending i was going to throw away the wrapped when i threw the whole thing away. i can't be unjust.
and i think my teacher isn't very good. you can't just give people candy for doing what they're supposed to do every day. you can reward them for going beyond. maybe he should have rewarded us when our class average on a test was above 80.
sometimes i feel like pulling my brains out and throwing them against the wall.
jeremy might visit me tomorrow if he gets his car out of the shop. this frightens me somewhat. i mean, i know im going to have to face him one day but...wow. i mean, im afraid because people are different in person. i hope i dont feel embarrassed or awkward. heh.
im also singing at a baptism tomorrow at 10. which is lame because not only do i have no idea who's baptism it is, but i have to wake up so early to get ready adn practice and all.
this week just ran me out. i'd stay up so late and then be up all day and stay up late again..i dont think i've gotten a full 6 hours all week. yay back to normal.
i have plato from every class except my electives. all due tonight. im gonna be up late again.
party.
and i was gonna talk a walk today. go to walgreens. im seeking out a yellow umbrella.  i dunno why but i have a very strong impulse to obtain a yellow umbrella.
oh well. maybe skipping out and doing chem plato will help me learn what we've been doing all week in class. el oh el.
about fifteen minutes left.
i liked lunch today. it was windy and we sat at the table scheming up shenanigans. we wanted to find a way to roll a fat person down a hill...blast music off the school roof, take a road trip, use yarn aroud the school to trip people..ahhh i love my friends.
i dont really wanna go to english. well, i do. but not really. i just sit int he back thinking "no. thant's wrong" or maybe i really agree with what mr. bailey's saying and i'm thinking about all the things i could add onto it.
and then i have to watch kaleb flirt with udi. bleh.
haha i've been auditing nita's seminary class because my seminary teacher is old and sits on the table with his legs spread far apart. my class is full of sleepy freshmen and i never learn anything in there. nita's teacher is AMAZING. and plus now i have someone to make comments to.
but anyway we were watching this david and goliath musical.
somehow when david took out his harp, i imagined him picking the opening chords to "wake  me up when september ends" and started busting up laughing. good thing i had nita to tell this to, otherwise i'd just look INSANE as usual.
but dont you think there were pop-stars in the past? just as musically talented as the young starlettes these days?
music is timeless.
well, there's five minutes left and i have to edit this. so. bye.
bless your face, if you have allergies and sneeze alot, bless you.
peace off
dodododododo subscriiiiiibe

BOOP

je t'aime

it's thursday. and as you all know i DESPISE thursdays. they're a stain in my week. mostly because i have to go to my dad's house and also because it's when all the weekly  homework and stress likes to hang out.woa. the kid sitting in front of me is on "playlist.com" i wonder if he even KNOWS about grooveshark. you're living in the past, dude!! the past!!
i've got this goofy look on my face because last night jeremy told me "je t'aime". ahh...
how does he know i adore french? and then this morning he called me "belle" which was nice.
*shakes head* BLUGHHH. CALM DOWN.
im calm. in fact im past clam. the world has melted together like a runny finger painting. i feel like i have nothing to worry about. no obligations. most people know this feeling. the wondrous feeling of laziness.
so, i guess i'm doing that blog in every class thing today, huh?
OKAY!
well, last period was ceramics and i couldn't have my computer out. next period is painting but i finished my project so i might be able to blog a little in there. other than that...you got it.
i dont really wanna go to painting. i sit at a table of freshmen. there's one kid who like to say "stupid sophomore.." and then make a sidelong glance at me which i return with raised eyebrows and he shuts up for a while.
also i sit with this girl who like drawing anime-manga characters and she's really good. she can illustrate those japanese comic book things if she wanted. it's nice sitting with her because for once IM not the one being bugged. "can you draw this?" "how do you do that?" Finally. i couldn't ever get any work done.
brrr im colllldddd!! who the crap is controlling the AC in this school?! that warlock from "santa claus is coming to town"? 3 minutes till the bell.
2 minutes.
ZWEI MINUTEN!!!
i've begun to like the number 59. that means it's about time to go. well, i must mute my computer and put my earbuds away. also copy this post incase i lose it when i shut my lid. brb, yo.
now im in chem. sorry i couldnt talk during art. not that it matters.
FRICK why is it so cold in here?! are they trying to be funny?
ah. i dont really want to be trapped in the library for lunch but then again there aren't any clouds int he sky today. i hate that. they just got wiped out.
haha ploense says, "okay we're gonna do a lab tomorrow"
and the majority of the back part of the room went "yayyy" which sounded funny cuz most people are half asleep.
ahhh school. providing me with humor.
our air condition is "moderate" today. that's good. i'd be moderately okay out there.
there's a man lugging a cart full of coolers through the parking lot towards the tennis courts. i think the tennis sessions ended in PE. now they're probly doing soccer.
haha the kids next to me started talking about tennis just now. can people read my mind? are my thoughts being broadcasted with a microphone to everyone in the immediate vicinity?
this tall jock just walked by me to put a paper on ploense's desk. i felt a gust of wind hit me after he passed. it smelled like old spice.
mm. and my hands smell like gilbert. LET ME EXPLAIN. in ceramics, mr. cox has a bottle of lotion for us to use after our hands are all dried out from dealing with clay. it's very manly smelling and gilbert uses it. i usually bring my own lotion but i keep forgetting it. so i had to use the man lotion today.
THERE.
i have part of the superman theme stuck in my head. the one from the first movie? the one the clarinets are playing when he's flying with lois lane?
it's weird to think that teachers have first names. and that they have a life.more or less.
look, medusa's back. hi medusa. (medusa is the name we've given the skeleton that used to be in the biology room)
DODODODOODOOOOOOOOdadadadadadanaaanaaaa...
SHH! SHH!! i know. i know what you're saying. Annabelle, won't you regret not doing any work in class?
PROBABLY. CARPE DIEM! you know, i've never actually seen "the dead poets society". i'm guessing that there's a quirky teacher who teaches kids in a different way but int he end he has to leave or dies or something tragic. and we all realize we have a teacher in life and life is short and...
that's just my gathering.
i like it when ploense caluclates chemical reactions using the window. i like looking past the expo markered periodic symbols off into the distance. as if i was ignoring the concept of chemistry itself. haha
about a half hour until the bell. hang on, ima check echalk and look at the calendar. we have a half day at the end of the month!! WOO!
Pb. that's lead. but i still think of peanut butter. :(
peanut butter isn't an element..
awwwwoh..
ahhh what to do, what to do. i COULD do chem. pfft. just dont be ridiculous. at least have respect for me.
do you have that person that you can never find anything to say to? i do. when i'm trying to think of saying something clever, i turn as intelligent as a bean bag chair. this also happens when im on the phone. i panic. sort of.
WHOA. a wave of sleepiness passed over me. i almost fell asleep on the word "panic"
WHOA it happened again.
why isn't ploense concerned that i'm typing?
ohhh waiiiit im invisible. it doesnt MATTER, does it ploense?! man that open door is tempting. i could just walk up and leave. i'd have to leave my stuff to slip out unnoticed but i could make it. then i could go downstairs and leave out of the door by the stairs. walk down the highway. call a cab. ditch the cab and run as he calls the police cuz i have no money to pay. run to an art museum. hang out there all day.
i'd have to sneak in, of course. somehow. but if i make it that far, there's no stopping me. don't you think?
freaking gilbert. singing christmas songs in first hour. ERGH. HE KNOWS HOW I FEEL ABOUT THAT!
fifteen minutes left. people are still on numbers one and two on today's assignment. good grief. and THEY'RE the ones who've paid attention.
ugh. school doesn't teach us what we need to know. i mean, if people actually read...
school's trapping us with their classroom and enclosed thinking.it makes me sad.
and what's worse, i have no idea what im doing after highschool.
jeremy is a senior. he has a job and he doesnt want to grow up yet. poor jeremy:( at least i have about a year..year and a half to figure out what im gonna do. im thinking about going to art school somewhere. after that i don't know. maybe move to jackson county. hopefully find a husband by then. start a family. wait.
actually, it'd be nicer to get married after college and THEN move, so i wouldn't have to go alone.
one of the things about being a wallflower is that not being noticed or acknowledge does NOT equal being exempt from what's going on. if they get homework, so do you. if they get yelled at, so do you.
i can usually just fly over the week without skimming the surface of doing actual work but thursday always snags me.
EGH *tear slips out* i don't wanna get braces.
and i have to. soon.
big metal. teeth on top of my teef. a pain in the arsenic monosulfide. WOO! two minutes left! goal achieved. no work done. again.
hi. in german. listening to thrice, texting jeremy and kinda doing rosetta stonnnnnee yeahh rock on.
ah german class. how you pain me.
my stomach's rumbling. it's been doing that since seminary. 0.o just cuz i didn't eat those stupid tooty fruities.
which happens to be generic way of saying "fruit loops". DONT JUDGE ME. i eat cereal in a bag. that's how i was raised. cereal in a box was like..a delicacy.
i hoe youre happy. hastings just caught me not doing my work. he hissed my name as he passed behind me. funny though. he sounded more disappointed that he caught me. eh. rosetta stone's LAME. and i am doing it. just taking breaks to talk to you..
HEYY hastings is letting us watch scrubs clips. haha i remember this episode.they had a german patient.and then we find out elliot can speak german.
WOAA now we get to watch a conan clip. i love conan. ahhh im so happy right now. let me

 calm down. phoo.i got to watch two of my favorite shows. in one class period yay!
to say "i love you" in german you say ICH LIEBE DICH!! and it sounds so frightening.
haha. i like je t'aime better.hee. i get goosebumps thinking that jeremy LOVES me. and not like "haha annabelle you're funny and weird but i love you" it's like...love...
heeheehee


i need ot learn french. I MUST. ICH BRAUCHE. KEINE DEUTSCH!
there's alligators in arizona's lakes.
TOD. (sounds like toads) means death. AUF DEUTSCH.
languages are so interesting to me. i love the sound of spanish. i wish i could get gilbert to read a book in spanish to me, or at least record it so i can carry it around.
HALF AMOUNT OF BATTERY LEFT! i'll talk later. reserving life.

now im geometry. im always the first one in here because i come from the library and everyone dawdles outside of the door. too cool to come in an sit down? really? okay.
so i checked out three books. of which two i will read because i accident;y got the second book in a series instead of the first one. and i also found out scott westerfeidl wrote a series called 'the midngihters" OH SWEET MOTHER OF LITERATURE! im geeking out.
the air freshener from yesterday is apparently still going strong. it smells like rebellion. the smell is telling me to ditch class. but i won't.
there's colored pencils on the desks. so far everyone' who's entered the room, has said "COLORED PENCIIILS!" as if it was the highlight of their day. or they were trying to be funny and cute. which isn't working.
ohhh burn.
my bag is so full of books. it looks swollen. swollen with awesomeness!
im glad i switched seats. i used to sit by someone who looked at me like i was insane and snapped loudly on her gum to get my attention. her stare was unnerving.
she also asked me to make "doodle pages" for her. i did a couple, but it became tiring.
now i sit all by myself. in one desk out of three. i think im supposed to be sitting next to two other people but they sit where ever they want. i dont really care where i sit, i just want to leave.

i dont wanna practice nets. you think i cant identify a CUBE?
mm?! i'll show YOU a cube.
we're taking notes today. awesome. good times. sweet. because that's what i need in my life.
AGH!!
 using active inspiring. i think mine is broken because it is neither active NOR inspiring. but at least i get to draw. im drawing zombies limping across the page.
and mickey mouse. and bender from futurama.
i have trouble drawing spongebob. i can draw Patrick okay.
there's a girl in front of me who likes to whine about class. she has a really nasally voice. she ends her complaints with the sound "uh". for instance: "but it's boriiiinnnng-uh". but she's one of the best at math, so i still respect that. 
megh. this class will be the death of me. my teacher's going to blow bubbles. he brought a giant orange bucket full of soapy water up to the front by the 3-d models of the shapes.
i could tell where he was going because we did this in like fourth grade.
why is everyone so excited? oh wait. they're all spoiled closed minded little kids...almost. not all of them. but most. very inconsiderate people.
haha i remember when i first went into fifth grade over at walker butte..and i heard the f word all the time. i was traumatized. now it's just annoying how much i hear it in here. it's like a giant flashback.
disrespectful kids.
this kid kept putting on his hat an my teacher told him to take it off and he says, "GOSHDANGET. THSI GUY'S ALL OVER MY CASE!" i may have censured that a bit..
but..the teacher mumbled to himself for a moment and continued teaching.
i hate doormat teachers. i like mean teachers. like mr. cox. it feel better when a teacher snaps at me than when they just look at me blankly and move on.
or take interest in me at all. somehow.
unless they do what mr. bailey did. he pulled me aside yesterday because i was feeling melancholy from my walk and my head sloshed around with thoughts. he said, "annabelle, are you alright?"
and i said, "yeah. i'm fine," and i couldnt look at his dark blue eyes. i just couldnt.
"you sure?" he asked.
"i'll be fine," i said.
"do you need me to-"
"no. i'm good. i'm just..i'm okay.." i said, making my voice a little higher so i didn't sound unenthused. then i backed away to my desk.
i hate it when teachers do that. that's happened to me a few times. they see me upset. why dont my parents do that?
ugh. not that it would matter.
DECA IS TEN. DECA IS TEN.
my head feels like it's bleeding. 37 minutes left.
ugh.
well...at 1:00, there will be 35 minutes left. and only liek 30, because the last five minutes we jsut sit there. and then minutes 1-20 go through the slowest. but if i dont go looking at the clock all the time, i can get through it okay.
whoa. the bubbles are cool. i like seeing the shimmery purple and green colors on it.
someone just asked why you couldn't blow bubbles to come out in a cube shape. i want to hit my head on the desk. i suppose i could beginning to explain that bubbles have minimal surface structure and SPHERE'S have minimal surface structures, but even that would make their heads explode.
there are mathematical equations on bubbles. isn't that fantastic?
ah. nature is fantastic.
only 29 mintues left. NIIICE. to fast forward time i just need to think abotu the wonder of bubbles.
i like that when you   dip the pentagon structure in, the soapy film clings to the edges and makes crazy shapes.
the prinicpal came in and saw everyone looking up in a trance at the bubbles. he left without a word. that cracks me up.
DANG THIS POST IS LONG.
but i said i'd blog in every class and that i will.
hehehe...jeremy said he loved me even though im such a mess. even though i rant to him all the time and even after i said i didnt know if i was in love with him...he didn't run away form me. he didn't think it was pointless because he wasnt getting anything out of it.
heeheee
im loved...
HA. how? why?..what? wait, really? for reals?
heeheehehee...i've been playing with that thought all day. i guess it explains the cheesy smile i get randomly.
i want to be in love with jeremy. i really do. my life would be so much less sad. haha. maybe if i see him in person, i'll fall in love with him. i havent seen him in a while.
his birthday's next week. he'll be eighteen. EIGHTEEN! HOLY CROW!
but he's like..12 in the head.
but so sweet.
ahh. FOCUS. focus on the nets, annabelle.
RECTANGULAR PRISM!!!
:|
stupid nets. i know what nets make, sir. i used the cut out on the back of coloring books.
no wim in english class. huzzah! awwwohhh i didn't study for the monte cristo test. UGH. okay. i'll be back.
it's kind of funny how much kaleb is in loooove with udi. seriously. he's got the biggest man-crush on him. he even dresses the same. watch, bag...and he totally swoons over him in class. he's probably wishing that he wore glasses so he could be more like udi today. hahaha he used to tell me udi stories all the time. like udi was a celebrity or something.
kaleb spends the whole class trying to make udi laugh.
there's a tear in one of kaleb's shows. i can see his white sock covering his heel. i looks almost forlorn.

im starting to get kind of depressed.
NO. NO. I CAN'T. I CAN'T BE SAD. NO.
i need to stop being sad.
it's getting ridiculous.
ten minutes to go.
well, guys. that's basically my day. im done now.
bless your face. if you sneezed today, bless you. peace off
dodododododododo sub-scribe
BooP.

ditches be crazy

i have an administrator account. fine i'll admit it! but i dont use it. kaleb gave it to me at the beginning of the year and i've changed the password so now i dont know what it is anymore. if i had time, i could probably guess the password and username. but it looks suspicious if youre just sitting there at the enter screen trying different usernames, eh?
well. this account, the one i use so i dont get suspended and all, doesn't allow me to download plug ins or shockwave or whatever. i told my teacher the math thingy game he gave us to work on didn't work. so he gave me a pass to tech at 1:04.
i left the class with no intention of going to the techguy if i already had the administrator account to do it myself. so i ventured into the empty body of the school.
it's kind of weird how empty a school can be. how quiet it gets over by the common area. i stood in the middle of the common area, staring out at the glass wall. the sky was a beautiful grey color, wiht no hint of sunshine. a few raindrops polka dotted the ground outside. the trees were moving but i couldn't hear their leaves. it's like looking at something underwater.
i wandered up and down the halls.i liked the stairway in the d-wing. if you stand on teh landing you can hear four different lectures at once.i liked watching the cars on the high way. sometimes when i get fixated on watching the cars drive down the highway, i get hypnotized..kinda waiting for the stream to end.
even without the students there is still a lot of life going on within the halls. there's the occasional security guards, whom i greeted with a chipper hello and walked right by. there's kids sitting out in the hall, in trouble or working on a test. there's crickets scurrying on the pavement. it's like a tide pool. you don't notice how much is going on into you RREALLY stick yo face into it.
it's kinda thrilling because i found a way to cut most of class and still be marked present.
im in english now. i know, i've been blogging alot today. but my head is extra full these few days.
im tired. phsyically tired.a dn emotionall drained. and mentally strained.
i have work to be doing.
i hate everyone.
ugh
it think i'll find some lovely brick and smash my head in.
splendid.
TOODLES, YO.






Booooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooop

working on chemistry...NOT

im in chemistry. im having a pretty good day. actually. i dont know if i am. im not miraculously recovered from all that has happened. but it's cloudy!
ohhhh...that's why im better today! that stupid blinding orb of death isn't hanging in the sky. there's a breeze. there's a lot of birds hopping around.
when the weather is all weathery i feel more at peace. the world seems more shut in, and less daunting when the clouds are in between me and the rest of the universe.
udi and i arrived at the chem room, the had a sign up telling ploense's first and second hours to go to room b111. we figured we'd go and see...and then...no one was there. and then we turned around went allll the way back. freakin ploense.
i never spend much time with udi. i dont really know him. and i've never really been alone with him. im glad he wasn't rude...he wasnt a prick at all. he didn't hang back or look around awkwardly or ignore me. we walked side by side. we didnt talk much, but it was nice and un-strained. it's not much but, most guys dont do that. haha it was kinda funny. he was anxious. i figured him as the kind who didn't really care..but he was like, "you think they'll send us to sweep?!" i shrugged and said, "nah. doubt it." we are probably the two quietest kids in the class, we're not worth her time. as we walked, i noticed his hair. it's growing out. but it's curly and thick so it's got this comical bird feather hair springing up from the back of his head, waving like a flag.
we toyed with the idea of just leaving school altogether. i wonder where we would have done. neither of us drive. hm. i'd walk home, i guess. there's nowhere to go. we got back to class a couple minutes after the bell. when we walked in all the girls went, "oooodeeeeeee!!!!" and i just crept to my seat. you know..my teacher still doesn't know my name. it IS the fourth quarter i'd at least expect her to not ask me to raise my hand during the role.
it almost pisses me off. but not really. because i dont really want to be noticed. it requires left effort.
see, right now i could be doing half reaction equations and finding the resulting electrochemical cells but im blogging instead.
so..that's my victory. also i get to sit by the window. the clouds are so pretty. they're layering the sky. some look completely fake, like paint. even the colors of the trees and the dirt and the desert brush behind the softball field looks darker. it almost feels like nighttime. and there's slightly spooky about being around school at nighttime. it's almost a crime.
hahaha in art today this kid was looking at me and i asked him why and instead of directly answering me, he started talking to this girl sitting across from him. he said, "do you even look at annabelle and her eyes look empty? like she talks to you but her eyes say that she's not there?"
i was taken aback.
the girl peered over at me and i averted my eyes down to my hands. the bell rang so i didn't have time to think.
i mean..i suppose i zone out all the time...but do i really seem that far away? i try my best to seem alive. i really do.
i brought cookies from home today.
i love crows and sparrows. they're so cool. and mysterious somehow. birds are mysteries to me. whre are they flying to, anyways? do they have a destination in life or are they just...flying..?
i cant wait to get home. im going to...well, i dont know what im going to do. i just want to leave.
whatever happened to people saying goodbye by saying 'take it easy"? that's such an 80's saying.
interesting how language changes.
i think tomorrow i'll blog in every class. and just write down random thoughts through out the day.
i didn't do anything in this class. which is a shame because i'll probably fail my final. woo. well, time will tell.
until next time.
BOOP.

post number 101

prrrt.
that was my celebratory party blower for posting over a hundred times.
ANNABELLE, you're saying. WHAT ARE YOU DOING UP AT 11 when all you've done all day is think, "im so tired i could die" ?! HUH?!
well. quite frankly. i dont know. still have alot on my mind. i talked to jeremy. again, im so happy that i can still talk to him even when im completely confused as to what i want to be to him and what he is for me. i dont have very many people who stick around. if you're reading this, you've figured out at some point (or at least i reckon) that i'm not all there. im a bit off. i've not quite caught that sting ray of reality everyone else holds int he aquarium of their minds.
see?
what the crap did i just say?
unfortunately, one who gets close to me can get the backlash of the crazy, you know? the downsides of it. how im depressed all the time, how im angry and how i like to disappear for a while. and other times i want to be carried around like a baby non-stop.
and poor jeremy. always playing all the king's horses and all the king's men.
jeremy cooks. he goes to culinary and evit. he works in a restaurant. that's interesting to me. none of my other friends really good. i hang out with the bandies and other wallflowers.
i do art. no one else is in art with me. nah, gilbert's in ceramics with me. haha he's so good at it. way better than me. he can roll the clay into a perfect circle. and he uses JUST the right amount of water. he's a perfectionist and im not. i like throwing it together. i like just messing around and sinking my fingers into the clay, watching gilbert work his magic. you know he can talk and to perfect pottery at the same time. i'm found it impossible to draw him. IMPOSSIBLE. i can draw most guys i know. especially the ones i spend hours a day with. but even after a year, i try and try and my doodle notebooks are covered in my attempts to sketch a decent picture of his face. hahahaha i cant! look, his drawings all ways turn out looking like Miguel from Maya and Miguel. sometimes i watch Maya and Miguel just because i feel like im watching gilbert. and then my siblings see me sitting on the couch grinning like an idiot watching that stupid show.
uhhhh...it's time to go to sleep.
jeremy fell asleep around 10. he's such a WIMP.
are you getting bored of me talking about boys, yet?
I AM...such a mess. in life right now. but isn't that the beautiful thing about being a teenager? just being a mess and still walking around like you're the epitome of awesome.
life's approaching as fast as a train.
life is death.
i don't wanna.
im so excited to go to enlgish...poetry..im excited to write paragraphs about poems. i want to soak myself in it. i want to bask in it! i want to fill up a bathtub with words and just bathe in it. i want to take a whole poetry class.  i hate that i have soooo much to say about poetry but im not gonna speak up. i dont wanna sound like a snot. i'll right it down, though. it'll count.
i like music. i like hovering in everything it has to offer in that great nothingness.
i've been wearing my watch alot. when im resting my head on my head i can hear it. tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic...just ticking. comforting because it'll tick no matter what i'm feeling.
jeremy says some lovely things to me.
you know for the past year..year and a half..i wished that someone would just say, "it's going to be alright" to me...and he said it to me today after i ranted to him.
for a second i felt better. like my brain had turned over in my sludgy skull. sometimes someone says something small and it just fills up an empty place inside you. and thats what he does.
i like that even though jeremy's part of my anguish, he's helping me unravel my tangly head.
SHOULD WE BE HYSTERICAL?!!!!!!
sorry..thinking about toystory..
why...
okay.
well, im going now.
im so so so tired. so tired. unbelievably tired. like...so tired im thinking of things that really dont even make sense to me. mostly animals.
like llamas with turkey beaks.
and people with no feet on skateboards.
mice in suits.
cats with computer mice for tails
ZOMBIES
and a clipboard hanging in space
a girl smoking a flower with pink smoke floating in a halo around her head
a nerd with superpowers...isn't that the best thing ever?
peter parker. i liked him even before he climbed the wall.
eyes are so weird. glassy almond shaped windows into our souls.
both nita and carley have very pretty blue eyes. gilbert has giant green eyes. jeremy has brown eyes. udi has black eyes. like..onyx. like some stone. like an element. and i have weird sea colored eyes. greeny bluey grayish eyes. my mom has them too. my dad has brown eyes.
IM GOING TO BED.
i've been up for almsot 24 hours.
kay. bye.
boop of exhaustion.

BLOGSPOT IS A WEAPON OF MATH DISRUPTION

as you can tell from the last post, i was up late, yo.
the wind was blowing last night. the tree outside my window  was casting it's shadow on my blinds. it flickered and shimmied as if i was looking at a black fire.
i was up thinking.
i felt so terrible. still do, actually.
sometimes when we've been flirting with someone we have that moment when we realize...i don't want to do this anymore. i had that one. a giant walloping, heartbreaking, gut wrenching moment. jeremy called me last night. and i heard his voice and he called me "babe" and i got nervous (like i always do on the phone) and after we hung up i just felt...
UGH. i felt clammy. and sad. i realized i didn't  want to BE, be with jeremy. i didn't want to go through it all again. and i've never really felt that special feeling towards him. but i do turn into a giant annabelley sludge when he sweet-talks me like that. this time was different.
i sat on my bed listening to music and went into sort of a coma. i didn't move and i didn't text him back...i just thought and thought. and hated myself and hated myself. why am i not madly in love with him...he's perfect...
still, even as i sit here in math class...it's eating through me.
i feel sick, almost.
after i snapped out of my coma, a few houris later i told jeremy everything. he says that it's okay. and he still talked to me this morning. i told him not to give up hope on me, because maybe by the time my birthday comes around i'll be less of a basketcase.
he seemed happy about that.
i like that i can tell jeremy everything.
so that made aims pretty intense. i'm just lucky his name didn't pop up in a word problem. haha...
sitting in that testing classroom for four hours was creepy, man. people kept looking at me..
and it was weird.
i swear. like every two minute someone would peek at me from their crossed arms or glance my direction.
and then this girl who i dont even KNOW called my name and told me my shoe was untied. her friends giggled loudly like it was a huge joke. "thank you" i told her sweetly and went back to reading.
i'll never figure out people here.
NEVERTHELESS
i love my friends. gilbert and adrienne and sara and nita...they make lunch relaxing.
they make my LIFE relaxing. jeez, it it wasn't for plato i'd be the chillest person alive.
so bye, yall. the bell's ringing in a few minutes.
OFF TO ENGLISH! poetry for the ultimate win!
bless your face, if you sneezed during this post bless you
peace off
BOOP

yay zombie aims. zaims.

i have to be up in about four and a half hours.
aims starts in six and a halfish...
in the words of udi from a few minutes ago.. "revolution! rebel! it's time for the new age!"

boys..

ugh.
my mom's downstairs. i've begun to dread when she comes home. she's already all hissy.
i don't want to go down there.
my sister and her friend makenna have escaped the house. i miss escaping.
i forget that you don't know who makenna is. it's kaleb's sister.
kaleb and i used to be really close.
i don't know what
happened.
the short answer is he got a girlfriend, but he's had plenty of girlfriends and we were still tight. i guess it's cuz he found someone who'd put out. it's kind of sick how sex changes people like that.
but i guess that's how it goes. i tried hanging out with him a couple times but he's so different. it almost frightens me.  sometimes im convinced kaleb is dead...and i always find this stranger walking around in a body almost like his. but i know it's not really kaleb, he won't even meet my eyes.
sometimes when i talk to gilbert, i feel like i've known him forever. other times i feel like he's miles away.
udi is like the beginning of a song. mysterious..full of potential...and beautiful in some ways, even.
but i dont know udi very well. i feel like i do, though. the music he gives me tells me books about who he is.
jeremy. he's like an orange. sweet and refreshing. amazing on the inside. you know..girls watch romantic-comedy movies with people like him as the main role. he really likes me...i know im supposed to get the whole weightless, butterflies, exciting feeling. i don't though. he sweet-talks me and turns me to mush but there's always that impenetrable blanket of dread over me.
i think...due to complications...things are doomed to end harshly.
i kinda miss the days when i had crushes.
i miss staring at the back of some boy's head and daydreaming and doodling their name..obsessively thinking "does he know i exist?" "does he think of me as often as i think of him??"
but i suppose after you've seen and felt and been washed away by the real deal...everything else seems watered down. sort of sad too, because the build up of a crush is usually better than what it becomes in the end.
i have been in love. like, real love. true love. like "the princess bride" love. like...i'll die for you, i'll wait for you, i'll be anyone, do anything, go anywhere for you type of thing. like...every fiber in my being yearns for you and just being near you, melts every smudge off of my world. love really knows no words.
and neither does the year of heartache afterwords. and then the months of heartbreak.
and then..numbness. sadness. depression. hopelessness. angst. anger. rage. rebellion. numbness. sadness. hopefulness. sadness.
and then blogness?
this is as deep as i want to go into it-ness.
haha
ohhh boy. boys.
argh. my mom's storming around the house. being real pissed at my brother. my brother is always angry now. who could blame him? i mean, he's a ten year old boy trying to grow up...and whenever he sees his mom, she yells at him.
he just went in there to say "im sorry" for whatever he did and she goes "are you really?"
and then he went in her room and i heard his mumbles and then my mom's sharper voice, "But Are You Really Sorry. I'm Not Going To Play Games With You."
for crying out loud mom. he doesn't know what to do. he's only ten he's not playing games with you.that's so weird.  my brother still seems as scrawny and balloon headed as he did when he was four. but he's ten. just five years younger than ME. in the fifth grade. that's so trippy. i remember the fifth grade.
every student in the fifth grade picked a state out of the US to do a project on. then kids from different classes were put together. it was kind of  like a coincidence, i guess, that kaleb and i both picked wisconsin out of fifty choices. we worked together for three days. i thought he was charming and i liked to make him laugh. i had just moved to queen creek and he was the nicest to me. we didn't really hang out after the project was over. we saw each other around more in  seventh grade and then became friends in eighth grade. but it was kind of funny how that meeting in fifth grade occurred. 
kaleb and i were ten when we met each other.
i can still remember kaleb walking into the classroom and sitting down across from me. haha shorts. he wore shorts. he had such pale legs. he was also shorter than me. he had his long hair. and i remember writing that his eyes were "the color of burning wood". and they still are. i guess it's weird remembering the EXACT minute you met a best friend.
heh.
well. i gotta go. i have cleaning and stuff to do.
have a nice night.
BOOP.