clint and i have conversed over a series of text messages. he wanted to hang out and there was no way for that really to happen because of lack of transportation and distance. so he had the grand idea of walking home.
to which i complied.
also it was good practice for trek.
nita was having home troubles, and she's going on trek too so i invited her along. it's always nice walking somewhere with nita because we always come up with stuff to talk about.
it was kinda nerve wracking to be hanging out with clint though because i could tell he was terrified. oh yeah. he was so nervous to be around me. it was funny.
we parted ways with nita and walked the long distance to my house. it was like the walk of purgatory.
but we managed to banter on until we made it to my house.
im grateful it was my house because i could change out of my sweaty clothes and into cool clean pajamas. agh the relief.
i went downstairs. i planned on making cookies for him, but i was too tired and there were no ingredients. instead we ate strawberry ice cream on the couch and watched scrubs.
then at one point he turns to me and asks if i want a massage.
no, as a matter of fact i do not.
is what i SHOULD have said.
so he starts massaging my neck and rubs the muscles all down my spine and in between my shoulder blade and in my lower back.
ahh it felt so good.
but then he decided to cuddle me, and instantly everything inside me shut down. i was catapulted back to how i felt when jeremy held me, that second time.
and everything was numb. my heart didn't feel anything.
and i was cemented.
he might have kissed me if it wasn't for my siblings running around and jumping on his knees.
im glad he didn't.
i texted him after he left and said i didn't want to further whatever we were doing. i said i'd rather stop now than end up in regret down the road. like me having to tell him i never felt anything for him.
so now he's sad so i'm sad. and im tired from staying up so late last night. i was still awake when my first alarm went off.
i have so much ruddy homework to do.
i need to learn about what we've been learning in chem. and i need to do math. and study for that taming of the shrew test that i have to retake.
i have to go to intervention. apparently there was some theme paper that i was supposed to write. and turn in on turnitin.com. is it just me or did he NOT say anything about that?
my head is tired. my body is exhausted. my soul feels like it's tied down with lead.
i know, im stupid for letting boys hold me like that. but i've never been held. not by my mom, but that's okay. she did enough for me as a baby and a kid.
my dad isn't the hugging type. i think he only kissed me once. back before i moved here..before i was 10 years old. i remember the scruffiness of his cheek.
it was weird.
but i've never had affection. and i feel worthless without it. hence my low self esteem and my letting this happen.
i'll take what i can get.
i don't wanna do my homework adn shower and then fall asleep around midnight. i just want to sleep forever. i need a cucoon to hide in.
i feel so bad.
ugh. screw my life.
i cant even tell jeremy this because he might get mad at Clint and i dont wanna kill their friendship. i dont want to be the reason for anything else.
i need to stop thinking that i'm going to find a boy that'll keep me afloat during the turmoil in my life. i need ot stop reaching for guys when i have problems.
i dont want to hurt anyone. i don't want to get into a relationship of any kind. i dont want a boy to worry about me, i dont want a boy to fuss over me.
i fear that i'll push everyone who loves me away.
ugh. i have a headache.
...when i told clint i was too screwed up to keep going he told me i was such a sweet girl and i should give it a second chance. i said no. and he said well...friends, then? and i said i guess. and then i told him i was going to sleep.
i feel awful. ruined things with jeremy, now clint. and things with kaleb are long gone.
at least i still have gilbert. haha there's no way i'm screw that up.
the only male figure in my life who hasnt caused me grief.
agh.
well..i should go...
boop my life.
to which i complied.
also it was good practice for trek.
nita was having home troubles, and she's going on trek too so i invited her along. it's always nice walking somewhere with nita because we always come up with stuff to talk about.
it was kinda nerve wracking to be hanging out with clint though because i could tell he was terrified. oh yeah. he was so nervous to be around me. it was funny.
we parted ways with nita and walked the long distance to my house. it was like the walk of purgatory.
but we managed to banter on until we made it to my house.
im grateful it was my house because i could change out of my sweaty clothes and into cool clean pajamas. agh the relief.
i went downstairs. i planned on making cookies for him, but i was too tired and there were no ingredients. instead we ate strawberry ice cream on the couch and watched scrubs.
then at one point he turns to me and asks if i want a massage.
no, as a matter of fact i do not.
is what i SHOULD have said.
so he starts massaging my neck and rubs the muscles all down my spine and in between my shoulder blade and in my lower back.
ahh it felt so good.
but then he decided to cuddle me, and instantly everything inside me shut down. i was catapulted back to how i felt when jeremy held me, that second time.
and everything was numb. my heart didn't feel anything.
and i was cemented.
he might have kissed me if it wasn't for my siblings running around and jumping on his knees.
im glad he didn't.
i texted him after he left and said i didn't want to further whatever we were doing. i said i'd rather stop now than end up in regret down the road. like me having to tell him i never felt anything for him.
so now he's sad so i'm sad. and im tired from staying up so late last night. i was still awake when my first alarm went off.
i have so much ruddy homework to do.
i need to learn about what we've been learning in chem. and i need to do math. and study for that taming of the shrew test that i have to retake.
i have to go to intervention. apparently there was some theme paper that i was supposed to write. and turn in on turnitin.com. is it just me or did he NOT say anything about that?
my head is tired. my body is exhausted. my soul feels like it's tied down with lead.
i know, im stupid for letting boys hold me like that. but i've never been held. not by my mom, but that's okay. she did enough for me as a baby and a kid.
my dad isn't the hugging type. i think he only kissed me once. back before i moved here..before i was 10 years old. i remember the scruffiness of his cheek.
it was weird.
but i've never had affection. and i feel worthless without it. hence my low self esteem and my letting this happen.
i'll take what i can get.
i don't wanna do my homework adn shower and then fall asleep around midnight. i just want to sleep forever. i need a cucoon to hide in.
i feel so bad.
ugh. screw my life.
i cant even tell jeremy this because he might get mad at Clint and i dont wanna kill their friendship. i dont want to be the reason for anything else.
i need to stop thinking that i'm going to find a boy that'll keep me afloat during the turmoil in my life. i need ot stop reaching for guys when i have problems.
i dont want to hurt anyone. i don't want to get into a relationship of any kind. i dont want a boy to worry about me, i dont want a boy to fuss over me.
i fear that i'll push everyone who loves me away.
ugh. i have a headache.
...when i told clint i was too screwed up to keep going he told me i was such a sweet girl and i should give it a second chance. i said no. and he said well...friends, then? and i said i guess. and then i told him i was going to sleep.
i feel awful. ruined things with jeremy, now clint. and things with kaleb are long gone.
at least i still have gilbert. haha there's no way i'm screw that up.
the only male figure in my life who hasnt caused me grief.
agh.
well..i should go...
boop my life.
Ah annie...gah. I don't know what to say. Only that you are welcome at my place anytime you want, and then we'll walk to Frys and buy some ice cream and cookies and then sit somewhere nice and eat it.
ReplyDeleteice cream heals all pain!!!
ReplyDelete