GOOD DAY!

Happy first day of summer, slackers! The school year is OVERRRRR!!
Today is the first day because it's the day after memorial day. Memorial day is when we all celebrate our veterans and whatnot, get off of work and just soak in the summer-ness. But the day AFTER our patriotic obligations end, and after the adults go back to work..that's when summer officially begins. Well, for me I'm not counting this break as summer until after I get back from girl's camp. Because until that day, I have to stress over making and finding my clothes, I have to buy supplies, keep breaking in my shoes, maybe go to Jeremy's graduation tomorrow (more on that later), and prepare to be brutally beaten by physical activity. There's just so much to take care of.
I just got home after four days of being at my dad's rental because my mom went to jersey. It's a relief to have internet back. But I miss my little Dell laptop so much. i'm going through withdrawals. I mean...everytime I have a struggle with deciding what I should do, I type it all out on this really long word document I've been keeping and by the end I have a resolution. But not this time! I don't have the cute little keyboard or the comforting pulsating white light under the covers of my bed.
It's just gone...
AND I SAID I WASN'T GONNA CRY!
But I missing having a netbook I could call my own. It's not like I'm never going to see it again, I'll see it in a month or so but I really miss it.
I promised jeremy I was going to his graduation tomorrow, but I have no ride. And I didn't hang out with him on saturday and I need to see him because I miss him and I at least owe him my appearance at his graduation. But I have no way to get there, and i bought him a bag of skittles and I'm sad.
Also, I told him I loved him.
UGH! I know. Judy already slapped me in the face. Don't ever declare false love, because it will come back and haunt you.
Although this isn't false. I do love him, I just know it's not as deeply as he loves me and I know that I am going to be the one to screw him over, and I'm sick of seeing him being screwed over. I mean, he deserves happiness more than i do! so maybe i should stick with my proposition of my love, and let him be happy. It was really late on sunday night when I told him. I was lonely and sad, like I usually am at that time of night. And I just got all caught up in thinking about how great he is, and all he's done for me. And it sort of just came out. But he deserves to hear it. I do love him.  And the least I owe him is showing up at his graduation, but I dunno if i can and I feel awful!
SEE. This inner turmoil isn't meant to go on this blog, it's supposed to go to my long text document of nonsense. If you think THIS blog is bad...wow. I mean, this is as organized as my head can be.
In other news, I walked to walgreeens today. I was with sophie and adam. they were cool with walking all that way in the heat. I think I can survive trek because I'm fine with walking long distances, I don't really get tired. It's the heat that's going to kill me. My dad knew someone who was going to give us a couple dresses and bonnets, but they bailed on us so now we have nothing. And it's NEXT WEEK. This time in 7 days, I'm going to be in the woods somewhere pulling a handcart with a bunch of strangers.
The thought of this hurts my brain.
But I'll do it, goshdanget.
I walked past gilbert's new house today. he wasn't home, he's been going window shopping all day. shopping tires me out. It makes me want to curl up in those baby cribs in target and take a long nap.
I blistered up my feet pretty good, so at least I won't have to deal with doing that next week or during camp. Ahh I got put over the second years who happen to have the longest hike. I could have sworn the third years were supposed to have to longest hike. No matter. If the universe wants me to hike my face off this summer, so be it. I don't care.
I am thinking about getting my hair cut really short. But I don't know. My straightener broke, so now i am prisoner to my crazy curly hair. sigh. But at least it broke after school ended. Thank the heavens.
I got into the habit of biting my fingers just above the knuckle. I accidently bit through the skin on my index finger. But i got to but white tape over the bandaid and draw on it. So that was fun.
Am I the only one that wants to shoot people who call the house phone?! the ringing! SO LOUD AND OBNOXIOUS!!
it echoes in my head!!!!!!
alright. the phone's ringing too much to think.
booop.

"FREKKN A"

the key phrase used to describe this school year.
More things have gone wrong than right, adventures turn into struggles and frustration is now running successfully through every one's veins.
I hope you're happy, sophomore year...for deliberately screwing some of us over. But we did learn from you. We learned what NOT to do next time, like get grades that aren't around human body temperature. We learned what we could get away with..and what we couldn't. We've learned to hate certain people...and come to love people we've hated. you brought out the worst of the seminary teachers, and definitely the best. you've given us new fun memories and happy moments to remember when you whip us with the sharpness of the world we live in. sophomore year, i don't know whether to say you sucked or you were one of the best.
i've lost alot, but gained the same and i'm pretty much back where i started last year.
let's just hope we can start over better next year. junior year we will do it right. next year, after trek and girl's camp and all that is over with..we'll start again only this time FOR REALS. no more ridiculous chemistry classes expecting us to teach ourselves, or asinine amounts of procrastination (alright, let's not kid ourselves..we're always going to procrastinate) but still. we're gonna start over, only this time doing it RIGHT. goshfrekkndangetAmotherofpoo! 
Next year, i'm gonna be 16 which means i'm gonna start dating. which means the amount of boy drama is going to spike. great. y'know, i dont want boy drama in my life. if i Do start dating, i'm only going to date real mature dudes. you know how hard it is to find mature guys in highschool? JUDAS PRIEST!! and plus, i don't want to be around jealousy, or weirdness from other people. i dont want to break up with anyone. but if i do start dating, im eventually going to have to break up with them because i know i meet isaac after highschool, and i dont wanna get hooked on a highschool boyfriend longer than highschool itself. cuz after graduation i am OUTTA HERE! also, i wanna learn how to drive...soon. and i want to hang out with gilbert at his new house this summer.  and i swear next year i will do better with my grades. i hate getting Ds, but in order to stop getting Ds i have to stop being a slacker. i will never again get a grade below a 70! FREKKN A!!!
and here we are back at the beginning.
well, these are my thoughts.
the next and and last four days of this year better go by quick cuz sophomore year...i am done with you.

Missing

I was depressed all day today. It was one of those days when i felt really isolated and shut off. I don't really want to write much, and i don't want to whine. I'm just gonna read some scriptures and try and get over this stupid sadness that seems to be regrowing my heart like a weed. I'll get better soon.

sometimes you have to shut up and look in front of you

if i focus on the present, and blind myself from the past and future, things are pretty peachy right now. i just need to learn not to think so much, not to let my head overflow like that.
it's all about the little things. the tiny small details among our days that make it good.
like a bag of cookies as a pick-me-up from a friend. a nice set of clouds to block out the sun. the H-wing with the delicious smell of bread because it's pretzel day. The accomplished feeling after doing the plato. the fact that it's a halfday and we have every right to go home and sleep. the promising spur-of-the-moment plans for the weekend.
these little things are sweet, and if i focus on them instead of the larger bitter bigger picture...i find that life is enjoyable.
i know that i've made the right decisions in not dating until i turn 16, and even though it hurt to watch the boy i was in love with go out with other girls, and even though i've hurt some people by saying no..i know things will turn out for the better this way. this way, when i meet isaac i can tell him that i've always been faithful and obedient to God. and that's going to mean alot to him.
i'm kind of grateful i fell in love so young, it gave me a real opportunity to mature and to learn important lessons, and even to be faced with the dangers of self-abuse and all that other stuff..so i know it when i see it. and i'm confident in my inner strength.
i've gone through some pretty tough times in my life. and it's nothing to brag about. in fact, i don't like talking about what exactly has happened but it is important to write down and document them because it will remember my lessons learned, and how strong my spirit can be.
let's just say, mine has a six pack.
haha.
AGH i can't wait to meet isaac. it makes me sad to know that i'm not going to grow old with my friends. i don't even want to part with nita or carley or adrienne or sara or gilbert. even udi! and he's gone after next week. but i know we're all goign to go our seperate ways at some point. and have our own little lives...for however long until the end. but i know we'll all see each other again. we'll all be able to sit around a table, like we do at lunch..even if it's in another life.
anyways...that's all.
booohoohooohoooop

can school end already?!

sorry i havent really been posting this week. i feel like life has sucked me dry.
kaleb's girlfriend broke up with him. they'll probably go back out after summer, though. they both seem to be taking it well. still smiling and joking and hanging out with other people.  maybe they have a negotiation. i hate that kaleb wanders back to me, when his girlfriend is unavailable. whenever she was sick or out of town, he'd ask if we could hang out, or pretend like he didn't even ignore me and stop answering my texts.
it makes me sick.
he can be a real jerk.
i'm tired of being pushed and pulled around by his needs. i wouldn't mind coming to help him when he was sad, if he didn't toss me aside right after. if he actually cared.
that's why i love gilbert. he's the only person who likes looking at my drawings. that makes me feel good because i draw aLOT and no one really cares or finds it interesting.
gilbert is a very valuable person in my life, i don't want anything to ruin that. ugh. i'm doing geometry right now. i've got much on my mind, and i don't want to do this stupid review. i already know this stuff. watch me pass that test next week. just watch. and then i'll be out of this class and out of this school for a few weeks. i wish i could just burrow down into my bed and not come out, but i have trek and girls camp and all this other crap i have to do. for now, i can't believe that it's tuesday right now. i feel like yesterday happened weeks ago. yesterday was a good day, today was kind of depressing.
kaleb sat with us at lunch today. everyone felt on-edge.
i hate that he and i have brains that think exactly alike. i hate that i can still finish his sentences and read his face so easily. i hate that. i would rather forget it. we had so much. he had this really rich friendship with all these jokes and sayings...and we hung out all the time. i knew every inch of his house, i was a regular resident of his house. his parents were closer to me than my parents.
but now it's been so long...and looking at him looking at me like that never changed, hurts. it hurts me so bad. like someone dug my heart out of my chest with an icepick.
but i dont want to care. i dont want to hang out again because once his girlfriend realizes what she did. again. for the third time, she'll take him and then i'll be left alone again. so screw that.

frekkn a. 
today made me tired.
i have to go to mutual tonight. i have a montrous amount of plato due tomorrow. i have a d in math. i think i failed that circle unit test. my dresser drawers are broken, so my clothes are being stored on my bookshelves. my books are in a box between me and my sister's bed. mom was supposed to get our home teachers to move the broken dressers out, and get us new ones but she never gets anything done. unless her boyfriend is involved. did you know she's visiting him in a few days? awesome. i'm still pissed at her. she sometimes mentions what i'd think if they got married. i'd be very disappointed in her. she tells me i need to marry a mormon, so why isn't she? what? it doesn't apply to her? she fell in love? what excuse is she using, because it's not going to keep them together longer than this life, and she's not going to be put in the celestial kingdom with us. why would she take that away from us?
my mom used to say she imagined a dinner table in heaven, that our family would sit around. she said she didn't want any "missing chairs". well. shows how much that actually matters to her. 

jeremy  depresses me. he says he loves me and calls me "babe" and "hun" and he tells me he misses me. i tell him not to miss me or love me. i am very platonic towards him.
my life is always this shifting vat of lava, and very few times do i get something that doesn't cause me pain. like gilbert. very rare.
i'd like to think i could date him, but i fear that i'd do to him what i did to jeremy. that as soon as we'd start going out, i'd shut down.
because when i fell in love i got hurt. and opening up again hurts just as much. how many times do am i going to have to tear the stitches out of my heart to open it, just to get it ripped out in the end.
i learned my lesson, okay? life sucks.
can't we move on to the happy ending now?

i don't even..care...

 usually when i feel lonely, i turn to jeremy for comfort when i'm alone, but he got a good job at a restaurant and works from 3 to 11, so i'm on my own now.
i guess this is good because if i pay too much attention to jeremy, he'll think i want more of a relationship than we already have. which is this odd lopsided friendship, where it hurts for me to talk to him and he still calls me beautiful sometimes.
it's kind of funny how we deal with being alone. i eat and read and write a lot more. and if my ipod's not constantly charged..i'm screwed. because being alone or bored without music in the backround, makes my brain fold in on itself. to the point where  i get fidgety and irritated and i can't focus on anything.
other people (maybe healthier people) go and talk to friends and get connected with as many people as they can, and suck life from many different outlets, so that they don't have to feel alone. unfortunately, this usually ends up causing drama and contention and distress.
other people go out and look for love, and spend alot of time obsessing over someone they love from afar. in a blissful state that doesn't require much effort or heartache. unless that person decides to disappear.
screw talking about being lonely.
i'm going to go make some more animations and pretend i dont have a half an hour left before my dad takes us for the weekend.

50 things that annoy me

(i've trimmed it down to 50. and these are not in order)

1. that the calcium in the water of my fridge has caused hard water to all but SEAL the faucet in which the water come out of. so it takes three minutes to fill up a cup.
2. when i kneel on a crayon i've left on my bed and it breaks. it's not so much the death of the crayon that's devastating, it's the scary CRACK that comes with it convincing me for a split second that my knee has broken.
3. when people INTERRUPT ME
4. when someone interrupts someone i'm listening to
5. getting a typical "lol" response to a text. or nothing at all. why do i even other talking to you?!
6.when people copy me. i know it sounds dumb, and people may say that imitation is the most sincere form of flattery..but i guess it comes from having a sister a year younger than me. i mean SERIOUSLY. i liked that band wayyyy before you, i drew comics in church before you, and those are MY frick'n pants, lady.
7. those people on facebook who are always like, "haters gonna hate" or "im just gonna be me and you can all suck it" and have that attitude. i think it makes them all seem a little MORE insecure when they do that.
8. dudes. i mean...okay. i know that inside every dude, there's a three year old boy. who wants nothing more than to run around the room, screaming and laughing and throwing stuff and grabbing people..but..really? i mean..really??
9. when someone criticizes one's opinion in music. everyone has a right to hate a band. like blink182 (who suck) but...don't hate the fans. hate the band. c'mon. show some class.
10. when teachers have high expectations of me. i guess this comes from getting away with not applying myself to a full and satisfying extent, but it takes so much WORK to apply my full self. i have to open all the doors in my brain, that's painful and dizzying and then afterwards i feel run down from releasing so much.
11. the completely faulty condescending nature of teenage girls. always saying one thing and meaning another. girls are the worst bullies. i've never really been bullied, but if you sit back and watch them at work...man. it gets brutal.
12. cracking of knuckles. ughhh
13. when a song needs something more. like...a correction. like a prolonging of a note, or the repetition of a lyric, or a rest, or a properly lengthened ending. UGH.
14. when people say they have OCD and they don't. it's called a freaking pet peeve, you moron. quit diagnosing yourself.
15. when i think something is beautiful, but i can't show anyone. like they'd ruin the magic of it. because i think the most random things are beautiful. like old black and white movies. and the catcher in the rye.
16. THAT NO ONE SEEMS TO UNDERSTAND THE CATCHER IN THE RYE!! UGHH!!!!
17. when you get a bag of chips and it's three fourths air.
18. that for a while i wanted to speak french, but i realized most girls in the world want to speak french.
19. that something inside of me wants to rebel against what the large majority of people are conforming to. even if it's good. kindergarten: screw this, i hate coloring books. too many rules! Im drawing everything myself!! fifth grade: all the kids are learning music! now i won't, just to set myself apart. seventh grade: everyone's dying their hair and hooking up. I'LL NEVER BE A PART OF THAT! highschool: wow. everyone's doing extracurricular activities or getting serious in heir love life. screw that.
20. that i love flowers so much, but they die if i try and take them with me.
21. when people don't use proper grammar. especially with to, too, and two. and there, their, and they're. 22. teachers that are softhearted. i like mean teachers. i LOVE mean teachers. they're the only ones that really make kids shut up and realize how dumb they sound.
23. youtube's doing this thing where after a video ends, the next related video starts playing. it kills the mood of the video you just watched, especially if it's a song.
24. moment killers. like when you're having a good day and then parental figures are pissy.
25. when you're secretly enjoying a song playing the the car, and someone changes it.
26. when blink182 songs get stuck in my head.
27. that i know so much about blink182. it's taking up space in my brain that could be put to better use.
28. when i see a fly before or during the process of eating something. i remember once in fourth grade, i poured myself a bowl of cinnamon toast, and found a dead fly under one of the pieces. it freaked me out.
uuuughhh
29. when my stupid hair clogs up the stupid shower and i have to stupid reach in the drain and stupid get it all out in horrible clumps.
30. guilt trips via teacher. hey, shut up! you don't live my life!!
31. when i almost fall asleep around 5, but then am suddenly wide awake once the clock strikes 10.
32. the stupid daily announcements at school. i have the sinking feeling no one has a clue what they're talking about.
33. when my mom is randomly really nice to me and it makes me feel really bad for wishing i could leave the house.
34. that i have a plan for where to go if i had to leave the house. it annoys me, but not to the point of picking through it and guilting myself out of it.
c'mon, man. really? i like to think that music during the millennium is gonna be so awesome. maybe we can get people to remake some songs.
36. eating. i dont know why, but i never feel good afterwards. i'm never full. oh woe is me, im a teenager! D: bottomless stomachs!!
37. when i become a complete doofus when i try and talk to guys i have a crush on. ugh. i turn into a giant marshmellow peep. no idea what im doing there, just staring out with tiny, sugary, painted on eyes.
38. when i the lighting in the room isn't right and i have to stand at the light switches for a few minutes, making it the way it's supposed to be.
39. being left out. it doesn't really depress me or make me feel like i need to impress who ever is leaving me out, it just mildly ticks me off. especially in school. i have better things to do than sit off to the side right now.
40. being in the middle of listening to a beautiful song and something..or someone makes me pause it.
41. when girls tell guys they're afraid of something, when they're just trying to be cute. doooooonnn't denyyyy it. LETTUCE?! REALLY!? and i know what you're thinking. annabelle? didn't you say you have a fear of gas masks? SHUT UP! those things are horrifying! and trust me, if i was trying to be cute, i would have picked something you see everyday. like..wax paper or dragonflies. but gas masks look like horse skulls. and i'd rather die in a fire than go to a fireman wearing on of those things. irrational, but it makes  sense to me.
42. when people say something random during a conversation with me, and when i pause and raise an eyebrow they just giggle and go, "inside joke!" and i look around..with WHO?! the only excusable time to do that is if you have an inside joek with god.
and as a subscript of that, we'll call it: 42a. if you say a joke that makes perfect sense to everyone else and then say "inside joke" afterwards. IT'S NOT AN INSIDE JOKE IF EVERYONE GETS IT!
43. when someone hears me say a joke, and they say it louder, and everyone laughs. ugh. that happens with kaleb and i alot. we think too alike, so we often speak at the same time, but of course he speaks louder than me.
44. when my siblings eat or waste my food.
45. that a lot of the bands and songs i get are ruined by the radio.
46.  when people insist on naming a thousand bands they like. a genre will suffice. only list a band you like, if you can sit and listen to all but save a few songs without objection
47. the food at my dad's rental. i mean, i hate the entire rental itself, but the food is just annoying. ice cream? poptarts? salsa? chips? don't get me wrong, sounds like a dream at first...but after a year or so it's just sad.
48. im annoyed that making this list was so easy
49. when cupboard doors are left open
50. when time decides to fluctuate between going agonizingly slow and wayyy too fast.

intense dream

so last night i started puking my guts out. that was fun. so my mom was like..stay home. and i was like DONE.
but then i had this awesome dream i need to describe because of how intricate it was.
okay so i was int he woods and there were all these people. and i was all, "oh look  they're putting on a shakespeare play. i wonder what the theme is.."
and so i sit down in the audience and i start watching the  play. now the dialog was all in shakespeeare speak so im not going to try and recreate that so here's a summary of the play
there was this ship that could sing about the future of the crew's endeavors which was quite ominous but no one noticed. the crew was all caught up in the tension and the drama between this betrothed couple. they were all on a ship to italy because that's where the wedding was supposed to take place. but the way they were lashing out on each other, the marriage looked bleak.
meanwhile in italy, there was this evil king who was determined to stop the wedding. he was locking people up in tiny little rooms if they had invitations to the wedding. the king was the husband's uncle. he had been married to the husband's mom, but the mom had run off with another guy, leaving the king in italy. then, the king's dad had died after she left, making HIM king. with his new power, he vowed to kill the son of his ex-wife, who had at the same time become betrothed.
 he caught word that his ex-wife had died and said in the will that he son was supposed to get married to the betrothed girl in the same church she and he king were married in, on the same day. so the king had been ready for their arrival in italy.
anyways, they got to land and were immediately taken hostage. there was this big battle and and alot of people died.  the betrothed couple realized how much they loved each other, and the husband killed the king. but not before the king stabbed the betrothed wife. it was depressing because the ship had been singing about their fate the whole time.
ahh.
but after i watched the play i wandered around outside of the woods. i knew i was on temple grounds but i never actually saw the tmeple. i was just kinda strolling on this wet grass watching a bunch of other people running around playing ball and having a good time.
i remember looking off in the distance and seeing these scary looking mountains in the shape of big animals. but i felt safe on temple grounds, and everything was okay.
in my dreams i usually redream settings, and i'm always walking around with someone else. but this time, neither of those were true.
anyways...thats my dream. 
i wish i could blame this on the sickness im staying home with but i dont have a fever so...s'all me on that one.
heh.
boooooop

how to be

to be aloof or not to be aloof..
see, right now it's fifth hour. and we have a sub so everyone's grouped together and chatting (surprisingly quieter than when my real teacher is here)
but i'm sitting in my regualr seat in the back. the two other kids who sit with me are sitting with their friends and i'm just chilling back here by myself.
this doesn't bother me. i enjoy being alone during classes. it's a time for me to learn and fill and empty my head how i please. and i hate group projects. i hate working with people. because i hate how dim and disrespectful they all are.like with a bunch of freshmen. UGH.
also, i'd rather be in my room than running around with friends, tearing up the town. i'd rather burrow under my covers with my ipod than run around parks, getting high like everyone else.i'd rather read. i guess i sound like a hermit, but being with people for too long exhausts me. i have to read their body language and watch their emotions and take care of them. keep them entertained, make them laugh, be pretty. whatever.
but lately i've been miserable because of lack of touch. i didn't realize hwo much i needed it until i got a taste of what it felt like, to be held and stroked and all of that. im like a kitten. like someone just picked me up and pet me and then set me downa nd left me. what the crap, man..
AGH.
and i dont WANT a boyfriend. boyfriends are STUPID. if there's a lable on what i'm supposed to be, i'll purposefully fail so i will have liberation from an obligation. i'm going to be a terrible girlfriend. i'm goign to get cold feet on the second day of going out with someone.
and i'm not going out with anyone until i'm 16 and that's at the end of august. a month and a half into school next year.
so...we've got a way to go until i get that kind of physical attention again. AND IT'S KILLING ME.
it's like i'm addicted. it's like jeremy rubed crack into my skin.
HOW DARE YOU!!!
ughh. i wanna go home. i just wanna go hommmmmme.
so i want to be alone, i hate the idea of being someone's girlfriend, but i crave and need love. what's the matter with me?
hah. i'm screwed up.
i wish i was in lvoe with jeremy. then everyone would be happy. he's been beating himself up so much. he told me last night that he always gets shot down by girls, and he's always sacrificing his own happiness for other's. that killed me. absolutely killed me.
i wish didn't like being alone. i wish my past hadn't screwed me over like this. i wish i was healthy. if i was, i'd be in love with jeremy and he wouldn't feel shot down, and i wouldn't feel abandoned.
it made me so sad. he felt like he was constantly the catalyst in other peopel's lives, an dhe never got anything of his own.
i want to give him happiness, i want him to have me. but i remember back on the last time we hung out in person..how immature he was and how i got a headache jsut trying to sort it all out. how much i wanted to escape.
i wish it was easier. i wish i could flip a switch and be in love with him, but i can't. and that ruins everything.
frekkn A.
haha im annoying myself. same old problems.
but i don't know how to be. i dont know if im happier by myself, or with someone who loves me. it's kind of painful either way. maybe i just don't have the right person to be alone together with.
today was good, though. despite all this. i felt really close to gilbert. i love the random days where i feel close to gilbert. i'm so happy i havent screwed up anything between him and i. that would definitely suck the life out of my life.
aughhh.
so. yeah. that's all.
this is annabelle from math class, signing off.


boop.

Faker

I hate that my mom is two-faced. She was literally screaming one minute and smiling the next.
It's my sister's birthday, and my mom was convinced that our house wasn't cleaned to the other eleven year old's approval. She was yelling and stomping around like her life sucked. It really pisses me off when she does that.
To me, her life seems to be going pretty swell. divorced from an angry lazy bum, going out with someone who liked her LONG before the divorce, coming home from a well paying job with nice co-workers to six intelligent and well behaved kids..you'd think she wouldn't' have to scream at us.
but it's absolutely hilarious and endearing when she just opens the door and plasters on this huge fake smile and invites these preteens into the house, pretending like she's the nicest lady in the world.
She's sooo many words i can't even say.
well.
that's the post for today because i can't put this on facebook and it has to be out there somewhere! AMMIRIEEET?! haaahahahahaaa.....ahh...
:|

Short list of stuff i love

 -pizza
-fall
-waking up feeling refreshed
-halfdays
-fridays
-love poems
-poetry in general, actually
-tacos
-gilbert
-nita
-carley
-sara
-marianne
-adrienne
-chealsea
-udi
-the rest..
-making people laugh
-christmas
-finding great new songs and bands
-weekends at home
-nita's blog
-cute boys
-doodling
-music
-when my computer gets a fever from being open to grooveshark all night
-new headphones
-the feeling after completing plato
-having no homework
-being productive
-when people remember things i told them about me
-the days when mom is happy
-summer break
-watching tv and indulging the lazy slob inside me
-pants that fit just right
 -being brave
-reading a great book into the long hours of the night
-when i'm prepared
-pressing buttons
-j-walking
-udi's song recommendations
-reading about places far away
-lsitening to police sirens in the distance at night when everything is echo-y and quiet outside
-when the lighting is just right in my room and i remember how i used to hang out in my room all day after school in the sixth grade, listening to the radio
-existential thinking
-when people say i'm a chill person. i think i like this because my mom flips out under even the most minute levels of stress
-writing about zombies
-when people like looking at my doodles
-birds
-apples
-wearing weird hats in strange situations
-cereal
-when i write so much, i start narrating everything in my head
-being held by cute boys
-walkie talkies
-carnations
-zombies
-egg salad sandwiches
-laughing
-toying with the idea of having billiejoe armstrong style (blue) hair when i'm and old lady
-reviewing shows with friends
-making mistakes when i KNOW they're mistakes
-when i get paint on my hands. it makes me want to pain my entire body
-when my teacher calls on me because he thinks im not paying attention, but i answer right and make him feel dumb.
-dairy queen
-feeling better after making a love-list
-when the lighting in my room is just right and i'm reminded of how i used to hang out in my room all day after school in the sixth grade.
-mondays and wednesdays because i dont have anything planned on those days usually
-when a classrooms are at the perfect temperature
-when i have my ipod for the bus ride home
-when movies have just the right actors and lighting and music
-seeing places that remind me of  good times
-having full battery power
-duct tape
-fudge popsicles
-sunsets and sunrises
-poptarts
-ceramics class
-using watercolors
-singing silent night really loudly in a cockney accent
-making weird noises to get my cat to lay his ears back
-bubble baths
-blogging
-sharing my writing in general
-carley and udi's facebook posts
-dr. ploense
-mr. bailey
-easy days at school
-how i don't have to pay attention in geometry to pass the class
-how my german teacher gave me bronco card that said "annabelle is a sweet kid! i appreciate how she works hard in german class" that was nice.
-tops hats
-fedoras
-having lunch with my group of friends
-coming home to discover new food from the grocery store
-freaking people out
-when i don't have to go home or to my dad's house..when i can escape somewhere
-libraries
-chips and salsa
-making lists
-winning stare downs
-paint fumes
-gangstamphetamine (powdered sugar, peanut butter and chocolate chips in a bowl)
-oxygangsta (melted chocolate chips in a bag during summer)
-when i find the right words to say/write
-random texts
-when time goes fast
-pinapples
-grapes
-rain
-walking around at night
-adrenaline
-having a dumb useless crush on someone
-getting random wifi at my dad's house
-looking back on the hundred or so notebook's i've filled since the first grade
-seeing how my doodles get better
-knowing someone loves me
-praying
-firesides
-seminary (especially with nitaaaa)
-puns
-scented candles
-the energy peak i get right before i get really really really tired
-going to a restaurant
-getting compliments
-doing stuff that scares me
-being crazy
-ice cream
-people saying profound things in real life
-baileys.
-stories of how married couples meet
-saying "screw that!" and doing something i know i shouldn't
-dinner after fasting
-mexican food
-english class
-bluesy songs
-clean laundry
-seeing stuff i used in school appear in real life
-muting annoying commercials
-giving people gifts
-kfc
-cheesy potatoes..
-hands. guy's hands, especially. i dunno what it is, i think it's because of how hard they are to draw
-the smell of coffee
-making cookies
-how some people are absolutely beautiful, but don't know it.

In Which I Am Busy

 obligations:

-2 english platos, today
-1 chem plato, friday
-1 geometry plato, today
-writing benchmark, today
-math homework, today
-chem homework from the past four days, friday
-rosetta stone, near future
-german project, friday
-taming of the shrew terms, friday
-study for taming of the shrew re-take, tomorrow
-taming of the shrew study guide, tomorrow
-rough draft monte cristo analysis, sometime next week
-YCL meeting at 7, today...will last until after 8...
-dad's house (no wifi) at 6, tomorrow
-clean the family room and living room at 5, today
-clean bathroom, asap
-make pizza for dinner, when siblings are hungry before 7, obviously.

so...
'kay bye!

daydreaming in chem class

isn't it comforting to think that the person you're going to marry is walking this earth
RIGHT NOW?        
well, unless you're gonna marry a baby.
sometimes i see my future husband in my dreams. i call him Isaac. I don't know if that's his real name though. it could just be his dream name. But i know him. and when i see him, i'll know it's him.
i like to imagine we were constantly hanging out with each other in the pre-existence. i think that once i hang out with him here on earth, we'll kinda remember it.
it must have been sad to leave eachother. and that's why i screamed my head off as a baby.
my mom said i was the worst baby x)
hehe
i'm preparing myself for when i find him. i'm preparing to be the person he's looking for.
sometimes i wonder if he dreams of me, and he knows i exist.
sometimes i want to get on top of a mountain with a megaphone and just let him know, YEAH IM HERE, DONT WORRY!
i hope he's doing okay. i hope his life isn't tough. i hope he's happy.
i wonder what music he likes. haha i bet he likes the beatles. i wonder if we've ever listened to the same song at the same time.
it's far-fetched but hey.
let me dream.
i wonder what class he's in right now.
haha he's probably sitting in a classroom, bored like me. OR he's running around in a gym class. or maybe he's sick. or walking to his next class. but odds are he's in a boring class like me. which is comforting.
i guess this strange abstract person who's kept me company in my occasional dreams is hope. maybe he doesn't exsist. maybe im going to die or get eaten by zombies before i get married. maybe he's just the symbol of hope.
but i like thinking he's real. that there's someone out there, ready to accept me.
and it gives me a mission in life, to find him. he'll be a return missionary. and he'll be funny. and smart, slash nerdy. and he'll appreciate me.
and i cant wait to appreciate him. i cant wait to love him, cuz finally i'll be able to love someone with every ounce of annabelle i have, and i dont have to worry about him abandoning me.
and when i find him, we'll live far away. and we'll always have food storage ready.
i wish i could just skip ahead to when i find him, and when i can be happy. but i know i wont meet him until after highschool. and i need to prepare myself still. i need to make mistakes. date other people. learn how to kiss 0.o
haha
well, those are my thoughts on that.

Dumb Annabelle Is Dumb

clint and i have conversed over a series of text messages. he wanted to hang out and there was no way for that really to happen because of lack of transportation and distance. so he had the grand idea of walking home.
to which i complied.
also it was good practice for trek.
nita was having home troubles, and she's going on trek too so i invited her along. it's always nice walking somewhere with nita because we always come up with stuff to talk about.
it was kinda nerve wracking to be hanging out with clint though because i could tell he was terrified. oh yeah. he was so nervous to be around me. it was funny.
we parted ways with nita and walked the long distance to my house. it was like the walk of purgatory.
but we managed to banter on until we made it to my house.
im grateful it was my house because i could change out of my sweaty clothes and into cool clean pajamas. agh the relief.
i went downstairs. i planned on making cookies for him, but i was too tired and there were no ingredients. instead we ate strawberry ice cream on the couch and watched scrubs.
then at one point he turns to me and asks if i want a massage.
no, as a matter of fact i do not.
is what i SHOULD have said.
so he starts massaging my neck and rubs the muscles all down my spine and in between my shoulder blade and in my lower back.
ahh it felt so good.
but then he decided to cuddle me, and instantly everything inside me shut down. i was catapulted back to how i felt when jeremy held me, that second time.
and everything was numb. my heart didn't feel anything.
and i was cemented.
he might have kissed me if it wasn't for my siblings running around and jumping on his knees.
im glad he didn't.
i texted him after he left and said i didn't want to further whatever we were doing. i said i'd rather stop now than end up in regret down the road. like me having to tell him i never felt anything for him.
so now he's sad so i'm sad. and im tired from staying up so late last night. i was still awake when my first alarm went off.
i have so much ruddy homework to do.
i need to learn about what we've been learning in chem. and i need to do math. and study for that taming of the shrew test that i have to retake.
i have to go to intervention. apparently there was some theme paper that i was supposed to write. and turn in on turnitin.com.  is it just me or did he NOT say anything about that?
my head is tired. my body is exhausted. my soul feels like it's tied down with lead.
i know, im stupid for letting boys hold me like that. but i've never been held. not by my mom, but that's okay. she did enough for me as a baby and a kid.
my dad isn't the hugging type. i  think he only kissed me once. back before i moved here..before i was 10 years old. i remember the scruffiness of his cheek.
it was weird.
but i've never had affection. and i feel worthless without it. hence my low self esteem and my letting this happen.
i'll take what i can get.
i don't wanna do my homework adn shower and then fall asleep around midnight. i just want to sleep forever. i need a cucoon to hide in.
i feel so bad.
ugh. screw my life.
i cant even tell jeremy this because he might get mad at Clint and i dont wanna kill their friendship. i dont want to be the reason for anything else.
i need to stop thinking that i'm going to find a boy that'll keep me afloat during the turmoil in my life. i need ot stop reaching for guys when i have problems.
i dont want to hurt anyone. i don't want to get into a relationship of any kind. i dont want a boy to worry about me, i dont want a boy to fuss over me.
i fear that i'll push everyone who loves me away.
ugh. i have a headache.
...when i told clint i was too screwed up to keep going he told me i was such a sweet girl and i should give it a second chance. i said no. and he said well...friends, then? and i said i guess. and then i told him i was going to sleep.
i feel awful. ruined things with jeremy, now clint. and things with kaleb are long gone.
at least i still have gilbert. haha there's no way i'm screw that up.
the only male figure in my life who hasnt caused me grief.
agh.
well..i should go...
boop my life.

if boops healed hearts, i'd boop your mom all day!

this morning started off with my heart being put on the lawn of life and shredded up with the lawn mower of truth.
metaphors.
it's what's for dinner.
-ahem-
anyways, i woke up form a dream about isaac, and decided i was making myself miserable by staying with jeremy. hanging in this state of limbo where he thinks we're dating but i know we're not and he loves me and i can't love him. so i told him i didnt want to date him and we should respect the platonic nature of our initial approaches.
and he got all depressed and that killed me.
so i had to wait til the end of the school day to talk to him.
in that school day i did several tests, several of which i'm sure i bombed. and my grades have just started to straighten out, but i dont expect that to be for long.
gilbert made me feel better in ceramics because he made me laugh.
and then lunch was nice. nita shared her snickers ice cream madness wiht me. ice cream for lunch, WIN. ahhh seminary's great now that im rebelling and going in nita's class. i wish i was in her class next year. i have a sinking feeling that's not happening because her dad's in charge of all the seminary stuff. agh.
English was sorta painful again because kaleb can make it seem like the last year hasn't really happened at all. like we're still great friends and we still have all these inside jokes. like we still own each other.
but i dont even see him anymore.
i wish he'd just hate me. then it'd be easier to live my life.
but whatever. once i don't have english with him, im sure he'll detach himself form me completely. and that'll probably make me depressed, but it's better than inconsistency.
my brain feels overloaded. i don't even remember what i was tested on, today.
the walk to the buses took three times longer than normal since we were across the room.
then i started talking to jeremy and he's not depressed. mostly confused. he doesn't want to give up. but i discouraged that. i dont want to deal with the messiness of whatever we had anymore.
i don't wanna deal with anything.
i just want to run away. i dont ever want to look back. i need to start over somewhere else. FAR AWAYYY!!!!
i wish i was moving instead of udi.
then at least kaleb will have a good friend.
i have a lump in my throat. todays just a depressing day!
i miss kaleb, in all honesty.
and i wish i didn't have to do this to jeremy.
the only guy in my life who hasn't really caused me any emotional pain at all, is gilbert.
frekkn a, gilbert. making everything okay.
UGH.
and i have to go to my dad's house tonight.
hah. ahhhh...im gonna do entertain my wishes and look at houses for sale near ohio and missouri.
i do that during class sometimes.
bless your freaking faces.
boopdeedoop.

THURSDAYS SUUUCKKK!!!!! D8

AGH.

i woke up kinda late and i didnt wake up until sixth hour where mr. Bailey made up get out of our seats and move around. and then i had to sit by kaleb again. usually that'd be fun for me. but now it's just an annoying little pain, like an itch. because i miss him and he acts like we never hung out all the time. but whatever. he's the least of my problems.

My rosetta stone is due tomorrow. didn't do it. i think this will bring me down to a D in that class. which sucks because i just brought up y D in math to a C. if i can stay, even just swaying on the C-line than i should be okay. D's are bad. and it's not like i don't know german, it's rosetta stone. i hate it. and i dont do thinks i like. usually. 

im currently texting clint. we're very alike it's SCARY 0.o 

but im just getting to know him, so i have yet to discover if he's insane like i am. or maybe he's caught the butterfly of sanity i have yet to find. 

DUDE! bailey said we didnt have to run in our character web project until monday! YES!! thank you spirit world!!! AGHH!!! THANK YOU!!! this is why i go to seminary!!

hahaha

ahh..i finished my chemistry platos. now i just have to do math. 

i'm alone in the house. my mom's at work, and afterwords she's going to the airport to pick up newjerseyboyfriend. so all my siblings are at my dad's house. i needed to come here because there's Internets here. 

Gilbert likes to tease me about what happens between my mom and newjerseyboyfriend while we're all at my dad's.

i'd rather not think about it.

ahhh im gonna miss sara. im sad that she's switching schools next year. sad face. to the max.

well, i should keep going on rosetta stone. 

joys.

peace

around the world

for generations.

boop. 

Dear Nita,

HOLY CRAP!
i opened my backpack after getting home from another eemingly pointless day at school, to discover your present hiding behind my laptop!
Another CD and EXTREMELY fancy dark swiss chocolate?!
i need to breathe. seriously. i need to BREATHE INNNNNN!!!!!
gah.
whoa! thank you so so so so so much!
aww..heart..melting...
thank youuu:) dude and i'm looking at the list of tracks...hah! this is what i'm going to listen to every time i start to feel upset!
nita, you know how to make me feel better:D

your friend,
a depression-recovered chocolate addict

people. livin' just to FIND EMOTION

it's a half day. HALLELUJAH! thank you spirit world!
i turned in my thing for the art show. my art teacher really liked it. my art teacher intimidates me, but when he's nice, it's nice.
the girl across from me has professional markers that make her drawings look like they were printed out, she's very good. very admirable.
haha i like sketching and being abstract rather than being precise. well, i can be precise sometimes too. my mind's just to scattered to stick to one form of art.
i like gilbert, i'm so glad i have him in my life.  he's so nice and frekkn SMART, too. colleges across the world want him. i sometimes forget how great it is to hang out with him, until after ceramics class when i kinda miss him until lunch. agh. he's such a great companion. and his ideals aren't screwed up in anyway. he's not the typical highschool dude. he care about his future, he's responsible and practical and thinks about what he does.
after all these jerkfaces with their phony "live in the moment" attitude that get them only so far.
after gilbert gets all rich, the world will realize how handsome he is and he'll buy a huge house somewhere far from arizona, and he'll probably invent something we'll all need someday. and to think, i used to sit next to him and make dumb ceramic top hats, and obsess over fedoras! dude. i saw harry potter with him. he even changed the backround on my computer! :D
whoa!!
okay, wait. am i swooning over the future gilbert? hah.
when i was saying my prayers last night, i realized i pray for alot of people. i pray for all my friends, i feel guilty if i leave anyone out. also, my teachers and my mom in her room and my dad down the road. and my friend's parents.and then i pray for the boys in my life. because they need alot of help. and udi. i pray for udi  A LOT. i pray for kaleb too. and gilbert. and jeremy. i pray for jeremy alot, but not as much as i do for udi.
sometimes, i think udi is so close to being happy. so close..but i think depression gives you this weird, mega-focused perspective that's easy to dwell in, even if it hurts. and it's easier to stay in there than to get out and be happy. but i dunno, i feel like he's just so close to finding something to make him happy.
i liek seeing udi laugh and smile. it's like entertaining a baby. i hope udi can find someone or something to make him smile all the time. especially because he's moving to utah.
i pray for jeremy because he needs to be more mature and serious if he's gonna survive in the outside world. and i know it's a long shot, but maybe i can influence him enough to check out the church.
and maybe then things can at least end smoother.
i pray for kaleb because i know he's a spiritual person and he's filled with good. he's a good person. but he follows the wrong people. and i pray for him because i don't want him to find himself unhappy.
i also pray for shyloh, i want her to be happy and be able to see what kaleb needs.and i don't want her to feel empty or alone.
if i pray for all these people, i don't need to ask God for help in my life, because as long as these peeps are happy, i'm at least content.
school. i hate you.
bleh.
wait
YESS HALFDAY!! YEAHHH!!!
okay. i should go.

welcome home

the first post i see on facebook is my mom saying:



I would rather deal with a hundred drug addicts and criminals in this court than one spoiled rotten brat.

...awesome.

JE T'AIME!

you know there are alot of things that make me sad. i suppose im one of those "sensitive" people. which is why watching depressing movies is so much fun for me. i love FEELING things emotionaally. that's why books are awesome. that's why writing is awesome!
stuff like last night happens a lot. i could get depressed and wrap myself up in my own world so i don't have to deal with the painfulness of it all.  i could just as well look around at all the horrible things around me and let it eat into my heart, and let myself drown in all the things i COULD be sad about.
but im not going to because i was stuck in a rut for a year of my life, and i don't want to go back.
for once i'm going to shvoe last night away and not dwell on it. i'll forgive my mom. she's probably got a lot to deal with. i started another art project, smaller but..hey. the first is always the best so, oh well.
there's nothing done last night that can be undone. i just need to accept that my  mom can get upset sometimes. and it give me a chance to get closer to my siblings. i got to hug my brother last night. usually he loathes me, but he found me comforting last ngiht. sure he was crying, but it's close enough.
and i'm so grateful for my friends. nita, you're awesome and thanks for the comment on the last post, sometime si thin running away is a great idea. haha
i had trouble fall asleep, but i was too tired to get up. i found myself staring at the ceiing when i got a text from kaleb. he was reminiscing about how we used to be.
that should have comforted me, but it just made me pissed off. you know, kaleb..you can't just do that. that's not what friends do. you cant just jump in and out of my life when it's convinent for you.
i didn't reply, even though i kinda wanted to console in him about my ngiht.
but he wouldn't care.
i love that jeremy's been there the whole time through everything. even before my parent's divorce.
he's always let me come to him and vent about how i felt when my heart is broken and he's kept me happy and alive.
i think out of respect for jeremy and the things he's done for me, i'm not goign to throw away my life by being depressed. i'm going to LIVE, goshdanget. i'm not going to give a care if my mom doesn't like the idea of me living.
but i am.
i'm going to be happy at home, and i will eat good food and i will tell jeremy i love him. and i'll only hang out with the amazing, awesome, smart, funny, people who appreicate me. i'm gonna be nice to my mom, and i'm going to write all the time and keep doodling and enjoy my music. i'm gonna go to church every week and attend meetings withot fail. im gonna do better on daily scriptures and continue saying prayers ever ngiht, and start sayign them when i wake up.
i'd rather have all these goals than get into my suicidal mindset.
haha frick. if i talked ot my past self like this, she'd punch my in the face.
but i guess..now i have a reason to be happy. i realized someone loved me.
and maybe you don't have someone in love with you, but i garentee you, there's always someone on your sidelines rooting for you the whole way.
thanke to "hey jude" for being my soundtrack as i fell asleep last night.
BOOP

wtf

 need to cool down so i'm going to vent to the blog for  sec. though i may regret it.
my mom got all pissy because her camera broke and decided to go into that mood where she screamed at us as if she wasn't right in our ears. she called us names, stuff i don't wanna say.
i went to my room after an unsuccessful attempt at scriptures and prayers and turned up my grooveshark's volume really loud and shoved the earbuds deep into my ears, trying my best to drown myself int he music blasting into every cell of my brain. i started working on this massive poster i'm doing for the art show. it's an abstract sketching of all the crazy stuff in my head. once colored, it'd win me a nice prize. with the music washing through my head, and the colors coming from my fingers, i felt somewhat calmer.
didn't last.
mom swung open my door and it hit the adjacent wall with a bang and she screamed at me, and i closed my eyes trying to make the harsh sound of her yelling roll off my skin instead of cutting into it. i heard her words 'clean the kitchen" inside the loudness. i tore myself from the music, and the difference was so harsh  wanted to cry. but i decided to keep a poker face because crying would make mom feel guilty, and make her scream more. and being angry would make her excited to accept my challenge and show how angry SHE could be in return.
i went down the stairs and started doing the dishes left over from her attempt at making dinner. i heard her screaming upstairs at my siblings, my blood boiled. OK. You can scream at ME all you want, i probably deserve it, i HAVE been happier than usual, and that probably pissed her off. but DON'T YOU DARE take this out on my siblings. they're too young to even go down the street without observation, you think they deserve to get that kind of verbal abuse form the only parent they have around?
EFF NO!
but i didn't scream at her to back off because she might hurt them or some downstairs and get me. or worse, destroy my computer. besides, she didn't usually lay hands on us. she likes to scream though. maybe she'd get tired and retreat to her room like she usually did. but i still bit my lip and grumbled some of the things i wanted to shout up to her. the pound in my head returning at the thought of my siblings going to be with teary eyes. i wished i could sneak them out of the house to a save haven somewhere else.
i was almost done with the dishes, scraping the grease off of a pan when i saw my mom's furious countenance stomp into view. her long black hair swayed as she moved towards me, her teeth bared like an animal. her eyes, were wide and crazed. She bore her teeth while she spit the words, "DID YOU CLEAN THE LITTER BOX LIKE I ASKED YOU TO?!"
i didn't have time to brace myself.
this time, the words cut into my chest like knives. she must have told me to do the box but i didn't hear her over the music and through her loudness.
my heart sunk. i was never going to get any homework or my shower or my art project done if she kept giving me chores to do this late at night.
the last thing  wanted to do was be snobby, so in a calm voice i said, "well, i'm cleaning the kitchen right now-" with that she spun on her heel and i heard her ascend the stairs. THUMPTHUMPTHUMPTHUMP
i cringed, feeling the harshness in the air she left behind.
you know how sometimes you can tell when the spirit has totally and completely left your house? yeah. that was this.
"I'M PUTTING IT ON YOUR BED, ANNABELLE! I'M PUTTING IT ON YOUR BED!!"
i turned off the hissing water of the sink, trying to comprehend. what? putting...
my throat closed.
i left the pan in the sink and ran upstairs. maybe she wouldn't do it!
but it was too late. i got to my room and saw the catbox sitting atop my art project. A cry escaped my throat and i lifted the box off of my bed and carried it back into the bathroom. i ran back to my room and picked up my project. it had huge unsightly yellow stains all over it.
i wanted to throw up, i crumpled to the ground holding the poster, looking at it. i started crying.
which of course was another mistake made by the incredibly STUPID annabelle, because my mom came to my cries like a shark come to blood. She screamed at me to keep crying. she said if i didn't clean the box RIGHT NOW she would dump it all over my bed. I nodded, trying to stop my ridiculous sobbing and went to the bathroom and took the box down to the trash and dumped it out and refileld it with new litter.
i returned to the kitchen and continued cleaning, now crying but being quiet about it because my brother was int eh other room vacuuming and i didn't want to scare him.
i felt selfish for crying over my art project, but i couldn't believe she would do something like that. something i worked hard on. what else was she willing to do to hurt us? 
millions of the usual thoughts raced through my head.
okay. i need to go upstairs and put on my shoes. i need to pack and go to kaleb's house. he'll let me crash there for the night. i can bring money and call a cab and be out of here by  sunrise.
my tears stopped and my eyes burned as i packed my supplies.
but i realized i couldn't leave. if i did, my siblings would be alone. i couldn't do that to them. and i'd have to return sometime, i guess. and when i did, she'd beat the living hell out of me. one way or another.

i didn't put my shoes on or even ask kaleb if he could open his window so i could go over there.
instead i crumpled my art project up, and curled up on my bed.
the more i thought about it, the mo re i realized that kaleb probably wouldn't have let me crash at his place at all. we're hardly friends anymore. that thought sent a wave of pain over me. i had nowhere to go.
i wish jeremy wasnt at work, so i could tell him this. i wish he didnt live in chandler so i could be held after things like this.
but im not going to be, im lucky that i have someone far away, at least there's someone. right?...
and now here i am, writing this and feeling heavier with every word.
so now you're up to date.
frekkn a.

my thanks to chocolate and church

Easter was actually really nice.
i woke up still upset from saturday night. then all during church i learned about the suffering and pain Jesus went through when he atoned for our sins. he knows exactly what i've been through, from being suicidal to not feeling the way i want to. seems impossible anyone could fathom how bad it was, is. but Jesus knows. and yet he was able to bear that and more and still rise with rebirth three days later.
i grew up a member and have always just..known Jesus and God were there. it's not a question in my mind, it's just a solid fact. just like i have fingers.
and i'm connected to Jesus, my older, because he knows exactly what i'm going through.
and even if i lose jeremy in the end because of our differences...i still have Jesus as a friend i can always come to the way i did with jeremy, and he will understand.
i left church, feeling refreshed and less burdened because somehow the spirit of the whole renaissance holiday made me feel rejuvenated.
when i got home i laid it all out for jeremy. i told him that i loved and cared for him with infinite measures but i still wasn't in love with him. maybe because my of my past, maybe i needed time to fall completely in love with him.
and he said it was okay. he said he love loved me even if i ddint' love him the same way.
that made me want to cry.
that's true love.
and maybe it was because of all the easter chocolate or the lack of homework-doing or the fact that i was finally loved for who i was, unconditionally...but i could NOT fall asleep.
and i had a dream the sunrise had leaked onto the earth we we could all walk on the light, while the sky was still black with night.
i dreamt kaleb was there. he was so real looking. i thought it wasn't a dream because of the painful amount of detail in his face. the shine on his eyelids.
it killed me.
it bugs me i don't dream about jeremy.
i miss him already. maybe next time i'll try and think less, and avoid a headache and that'll make it easier to enjoy being with him.
ahh. just knowing that he's willing to give me time and help me not be so screwy, makes me love him. i feel so safe because of him. i don't have to worry that i'm doing something wrong, that i'm being the wrong kind of person, that i'm not pretty, that i don't deserve to live.
all of these things bothered me up until two weeks. maybe you couldn't tell. but it's true.
i think jeremy's the perfect candidate to be the first one i actually kiss. because he actually LOVES me. dude.
i'm still stunned by that.
by even the possibility.
freaking A, jeremy. what am i going to do with you?
boop.

there must be something wrong with me, i swear.

it's easter eve and i just got back from a date? date-like..thing. it's 11:44 right now, i got home just a few minutes after curfew. enough to freak my mom out but not make her ground me.
jeremy (with his hair finally cut short) arrived in his old blue car with a Filipino guy named Ace. He later told me his name was Ulysses but i like to pretend he didn't. we found the rest of his posse (the same ones i had seen last time Dalton, Chris, Ryan, Clint, Mike) we chilled at a grassy volleyball field behind a pond.
i'd like to tell you all a fantastic story about how jeremy took my hand and i felt my heart come back to life and i fell in love with him. unfortunately for everyone involved
i cannot.
it all felt so mechanical. hand, hold. feel fingers. lean back against his chest. let him hold me. stare at sky. wish i wasn't here.
i wished i wasn't there. i wanted to press a button and make it all disappear. make me go back to my room. make it so that i never got involved with him.
as the night wore on, i felt numb inside. the familiar ache behind my left eye returned. it pulsed, my head radiated pain. it was a dull roar for the majority of the night. like someone was prodding my brain with a rod telling me that i should break Jeremy's heart.
but i leaned against Jeremy, breathing int he scent of axe, convincing myself that i deserved to  hold someone.
the last "relationship" i had wasn't even a relationship. i never held him. i wanted to. there were times when i held myself back from stroking the part of his neck where his hair starts to curl over. i never went up behind him and rested my cheek on his shoulder, no matter how close i was.  but yet i felt so much towards him. so much it was overload me. i couldn't think about anything but him and i'd cry at night with the heaviness of it all.
but with jeremy it's completely the opposite. i feel absolutely noting towards him. and yet i can be here, leaning against him as the sun slips behind the mountains.
my head continued to pulse.
i felt like a dumb old baby when i was with him. i was unable to love him, but when he got up, even to get a bottle of water, i felt neglected. and i immediately built up a wall inside of me that said, well i'll brace myself for him not returning.  i also noticed that when i don't get an answer after a few minutes, i forget i was texting him and accept i might not get an answer for the rest  of the day. and it's always weird when he DOES answer me.
there was one point when he and ace got into a game of chess. i watched Jeremy with intent. trying desperately to fall in love with him. to see something in him i adored. to see...anything. but again mechanical. no poetic details. short black hair. brown skin. small eyes. eyebrows slightly raised like he's amused. normal looking ears. nose. mouth. chin. throat. black shirt. arms. hands.
i wanted to find something about him that i found beautiful.
my mind throbbed with physical pain. clint started playing the piano and i became more fascinated watching his cut up fingers play across the keys. he found out i had a slight beatles obsession and played hey jude. aghh clint. making my headache cease for even a few minutes. clint made me laugh. i like clint. i wish i had classes with him,
i closed my eyes and leaned against my chair, wishing i knew what to do.
secretly, i had left the house sort of excited and expecting my first kiss, but the ache pounding within my skull told me otherwise.
i looked over at Jeremy who was staring at the chess board, thinking and planning his next move. i expected to feel a pang of regret at least. but nothing. my heart still remained completely cemented.
this is how i feel when i'm supposed to be crying. like at girls camp during devotionals or a really deep fireside. or a movie. or whatever. when people around me get all sullen and teary eyed and im just sitting there blank. i feel like a monster.
and i felt my own monstrosity as i looked at jeremy's face and felt no pain for him. no pain for what i was going to have to do to him.
i suppose i could do what kaleb did after shyloh came along. kaleb, as everyone knows, used to be my best friend. my homeskillet. but after he started going out with his latest girlfriend, he just gave me the cold shoulder, basically and now we're not really friends anymore.
i guess i can do that. i guess i can make it so that i t end s by itself. fade out instead of chop it away like jeremy's last girlfreind did.
i contemplated this, my mind churning in on itself and told jeremy it was time to take me home. he had to pick up someone from somewhere so ace and mike tagged along.
we rode off into the night.
"so," came ace's voice form the back seat. "are you guys dating?"
i looked up at the moonless night sky. it was really pitch black. the stars looked down at me expectantly.  it kinda made me fantasize about the mystery reoccurring character in my dreams named isaac. i imagined isaac had a heachache, knowing i was in trouble somehow. i felt a tugging sensation in my stomach, i wished i knew where isaac was. WHO he was, for that matter. I got a lump in my throat wondering if he even realized i existed yet.
"YES" jeremy said while i said, "i don't even know.."
i felt like there was a rat clawing at the back of my eyes.  I realized i hadn't smiled very much that night.
i clasped my own hand in my lap, wishing isaac could comfort me out of the impossible.
I should have protested reminding jeremy that i wasnt 16 yet, and that i wasn't IN love with him. but my mouth had been sewn shut with tiredness from the night and the pain in my mind.
we arrived at the house, and i was thankful to mike and ace riding in the back,
 they said a friendly, "see ya later" which i said "see ya" and got out, shutting the door and going around he back, crossing the street. jeremy didn't emerge. i took long strides up my lawn and through the front door.
kiss
avoided.
greeted with the sight of my mother "innocently" doing a puzzle at the table by the window. i raised my eyebrows at her and slammed the door int he middle of her saying "don't sla-"
i marched to the stairs, and heard mom say in an awkward mom voice, 'So...was..there any..." and i said, "Nope" and went up stairs through the dark. I dunno what she was going to say. that's the sad part. but whatever it was, there wasn't any of it.
haha not even drugs. though while standing around daltons truck at the park, a white suburban came by, music thumping.  a bunch of high kids were hotboxing the crap out of themselves. "hey," a voice called out from inside. a slurred spanish accent. "you guys need anything, trees, exo, pot?"
"nah, man," called chris. "we're good," he laughed.
i felt jeremy tense around me. i wasn't worried. they were too high to do anything, and they were in our power, anyways.
"TRAVELING DISTRIBUTOR!" yelled another fuzzy-sounding voice.
i rolled my eyes. they drove off quickly, knowing if they got too obnoxious we could call the cops.
there was a girl at the park for a little while.  i talked to her. she had dropped a glass stereo on her feet that morning and complained about it to me.  she was pretty chill, and i thought she was weird for talking to me because girls don't really like talking to me in real-life.
i'd like to think it's my gift of being able to click with boys and communicate with them, but maybe it's because i'm odd.
but it took me a second to realize, oh, she's not being friendly. she's just stoned and her feet hurt and she needs someone to complain to. it made me feel a bit sad. like being stoned make you go into this world where the social rules don't matter and you float around the earth just..being...stoned.it sounded lonely.
i wanted to give her a hug but that may have been a bit much even for a stoner.
i forget her name. might have been Ashley.
i'm proud to say that all the people i hung out with are drug-free. they're all good kids. they'd rather hang out and play Frisbee than get high.
i think jeremy wants me to text him, my phone's been silent. but i dont want to. i have nothing to say to him.
im tired and i have a headache, still. i'm tempted to make pizza and stay up for a while, living up the last of my weekend..but i have church till  1, and it's easter so i probably have to get up early...
i really don't want to deal with the world right now.
screw my life..

hey.

with everything you're given, comes disappointment. no matter how fantastic it is or seems, there's always some part of you that knew it could have been slightly better.
don't deny it. it's not pessimism, it's letting your imagination take it's toll.
but it's better to accept this than pretend you didn't notice it. especially once you get into a relationship. they may say they love you, but that doesn't satisfy some people. some people don't like it to be said at all, some people need to hear it constantly. whatever the case is, make sure you tell this to the person you're with.
actually, make sure you flat out tell them ALL your expectations and demands and requirements at the beginning. lay out what you think the relationship will be like, how close you're willing to get with them, and how you'd like it to end. if this talk and decision making is awkward, you've set yourself up for a lamesauce relationship.
if the person you're with isn't the amazing awesome superhero you've cut them out to be, don't flip out. it's critical to be flexible, and not care when they're not as cute as they can be. this happens with everyone, no matter their cuteness level.
also, if you want to break the girl stereotype, go ahead and NOT get mad at everything they do. there are going to be times when you feel less lovey towards them, but that means you should go vent to the blog or a random word document mmmmmmmKAY? you should be the most chill person in a relationship ever. just be careful that you don't stop caring, because they'll get bored and cheat on you, and that's just...not...good. so. yeah.
just thought i'd post this for future references, to anyone and me beginning a relationship.

i find the less whiney i am, the less i have to whine about.

i could go into a long depressing spiel about my family and hwo i feel about mesa and all the sad things that popped into my head yesterday, but no. anyways,
WHOA. easter pagent was amazing. the angels and jesus were my favorite.
and the 10 vigin dance? wow. made everyone cry. cept for me, heartless as always.
i think the best part about the easter pagent (besides the beauty in all the actors and actresses running around) is seeing how many people gather to see it.
my dad parked a block away form the temple, and we followed the stream of people towards the temple grounds. it was fun, like something big was happening. people were carrying blankets, babies, pizza boxes, and everyone seemed to either be smiling or looking around with curiosity. i didn't see one grim face. and in mesa, that's a feat. when we walked across the grass, the trees swayed to reveal a GIANT congregation of people! i mean it was huge! i was just blown away by how many people were there in anticipation. that's what it must have been like in heaven, back when everyone knew god, and not just a select few. it kinda made me miss it, even though i can't remember it.
and the show was great. if you haven't seen it, i highly recommend seeing it one year.
dude.
but the crowd seemed very comfortable to me. safe, like we all knew each other. like everyone there was family. as if we werent int he middle of the most ghetto cities in arizona, but we were all sitting together in a nicer place.
it was nice.
afterwords we went and got frozen yogurt in this tiny frozen yogurt shop we used to go to when i was a kid. the ancient pac-man machine was still there. it smelled exactly the same. and it tasted exactly the same! dude. once i'm able to drive and date for reals, i am showing my boyfriends that place.
today was a nice relaxing day off from school. tomorrow's saturday. jeremy's coming to see me. and he's gotten a haircut, YESS! it was kinda long when i saw him a couple weeks ago.  i told him to get it cut and after a long bit of convincing i told him we'd have a minimum of a foot distance apart if he didn't get it cut. and then he said. "fine. i'll do it."
hahahahaaaa suckaa!
i'm excited to see him tomorrow, and i'm also excited for easter. and i'm excited for school to be over in a few weeks.
i'm glad i have stuff to look forward to.
that's one of the small things in life, i've learned to appreciate. having things to look forward to.

today feels like a friday!

yo
the juniors had testing today so i got to spend two and a half periods in the art room. it was nice because there was a sub in there and she didnt care when i opened my laptop and started playing music.
i also finished all my week's worth of chemistry and math. is it sad that all that can be done within a couple hours? and i'm not asking for more work..i'm just saying...maybe going to school everyday is a bit much. YOU FEEL ME, BROSKI?!
i'm goign to the easter pagent today. woo.  my aunt is goign to pick me and my siblings up after school adn then take us to mesa. fianlly. getting out on the road for the night. we're gonna have dinner at my grandparent's house and then we're gonna go to the temple and find a sport to sit. i was origanally goign to see it with nita nad lizi. that sounds more fun. we were gonna get pizza and make a picnic out on the grass while we watched.
i might see jeremy on saturday and that excites me.
i painted my nails. they're blue with silver tips.
i'm glad i have this weekend with mom.
i wish we didn't have to come to school on monday. it's a real mood-killer after a three day weekend
but i think i'll have so much candy left over from easter, i'll be satisfied with myself. CHOCOLATE FTW!
oh speaking of chocolate. i went into the kitchen around midnight to get chocolate chips (don't judge me) and i heard this weird banging, like someone was kicking the cupboards.i had watched a documentary about ghsots earlier that day so i marched into the kitchen determined to drive away the lsot spirit. but it turned out to be my cat. he was swatting and chasing at a scorpion.
i leaped up into the island and sat there perched watching the baby brown scorpion curling it's stinger in an put, it's short forearms extrended, pinching it's claws.
scorpions are so ugly. i hate them. the baby ones are supposedly the most deadly ones.
i watched it scuttle under the fridge and i inched away.
and yeah. i slept with shoes on. SO WHAT
i'm supposed ot be doing rosetta stone.
i dd all my math homework. hopefully that'll help my grade somehow. that and my three tests that i aced. the next two we're taking today are also easy.
they're over inverse, converse, and contrapositive statements.  could do it in my SLEEP.
udi told me that my shoe was untied he said i might fall into a pit of spikes.
WELL isn't he social today?
i should go.



bless your face, if you sneezed during this post, bless you.
peace off, BOOOOOOOOOO-WHOOOOO-WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP

BEST 4/20 EVER!!!

hahaha im still laughing.
so yesterday, sara, adrienne, gilbert, chelsea nita and i formed an idea in which we were going to bring ingredients for the best ultimate feast ever.
it wasn't until we got to school today, that we realized how ridiculous it would look with it being world-wide stoner day and everything. hahaha
at lunch we all gathered at an outside table and began to combine our ingredients. sara put the peanutbutter in the bowl and i put in the chocolate chips and nita put in the powdered sugar. chelsea and adrienne popped and buttered the popcorn, and then i turned on my computer and began to blast bob marley.
instantly, the mood lightened and we laughed and we ate. people around us craned their necks to watch us.
powdered sugar covered the table-top like snow. the chocolate chips were melted almost instantaneously. it was such a mess. we made jokes like the powdered sugar was cocaine, gilbert rubbed some under his nose and suggested we walk into class looking dazed and confused.
nita and i were showered in the fine texture of the sugar, and it rubbed into our clothes. we were laughing too much, and being giddy too much to care.
the security guards stared from a distance, conversing and apparently choosing to ignore us and our sugary concoction and loud reggae music. 
we realized we were running out of time, so we scooped the last spoonfuls into our mouths and swept the powdered sugar into the breeze. laughing and still licking the spoons, we parted, throwing away the garbage, leaving the bewildered faces of our peers behind.
nita and i rubbed the sugar our of our clothes at the water fountain.
i think we should make this somewhat of a tradition.
ahh i love my friends. :)

irrelevant title

frick, jeremy's cute.
he said he loves me immensely. he said he loves me so much, he's surprised his heart hasn't exploded
that sent a jet of warmth from the giant smile on my face down to the tips of my toes.
it really bums me out that he's working on friday. i miss him. stupid society, making him cook people's food in a dimly lit bar. YOU DON'T DESERVE HIM!
i think there was a full moon last night but i was so happy and relaxed, my consciousness slipped away with ease. thank goodness. i hate being kept up by the brightness of the moon. i think that was the first time in a long time, i've actually gotten away with a good night's sleep. and of course, as always, i owe it to jeremy.
the guy who sits in front of me in OATS thinks he's suuuuch a stud. he's got his elbows on my best and chuckles every now and again, hoping i'll look up at him. dude. maybe if you weren't flexing your muscles like that... who do you think you are?!
why's this classroom always so cold, yo? i need a blanket. haha one of my favorite daydreams i had when i was in elementary school, was imagining that my bed had wheels and i wouldn't have to leave my bed when i went to school.  i still wish that could happen. either that or i could have a giant teddy bear with me at all times.
hastings just gave me my honor roll certificate thing. woo. i didn't know i made the honor roll. that's good, i guess.
ugh...i have to get shots afters chool. and i don't means like WOO SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS!! i mean like, needle, doctor..shots. that's just what i want. a need to the arm and in return, i get to stay at school.
bummer. no part of that makes me happy.
15 minutes left. what to do.
i'm glad my chem teacher isn't here today. she stresses me out. that whole class is a pain in the arsenic monosulfide.  disturbing, yet we persevere.
hah jeremy makes me all giddy.
hee
i'm so grateful that i have jeremy. he really takes care of me. finally. he's there to help me figure out what's wrong with me. i mean, we all KNOW there's something wrong with me, somethign slightly askew within the interior decorating that IS my head.
he's going to help me unravel all my past mistakes and send me away, a better person. with more confidence and hope. i love him with all i have and more. he's a blessing and an angel in my life.
MY IPOD IS LOSING BATTERY!
kids..never get a first generation ipod touch. they're not that fantastic.
and, SCENE.

bless your face.
boop.

knock knock. who's there? to. to who? no. to WHOM.

for a monday morning, i feel really good. very alive and pumped, like someone shot something into my bloodstream. i'm just bummed i have to waste this energy in school.
i had fun in ceramics with gilbert today. i hope we somehow get a class together next year. i'll miss him too much if i don't.
i'm already worried if me and my friends will have the same lunch. i've made enough friends as to where there's a great chance i'll be with at least most of them. but still...lunch without gilbert and nita seems sad
have you ever seen that movie "the secrets of NIMH"? it's that movie about the mouse and the crow and the national institute of mental health? it was a book first. well, the movie had some really beautiful music involved. i've been listening to it on a non-stop loop all weekend. it's not on grooveshark, or else it would have been the song of the day. the song's called "flying dreams" and if you type it into youtube, you might be able to find it.
it's the same mood as ender's game, which helps me read it.
have you READ ender's game? holy mother of books. it's amazing. if you're into genius six year olds. IN SPACE.
oh my gosh! have you heard?! there's no school on friday :D maybe i can see jeremy...
thursday's 4/20, too..so...
i'm glad i don't have to go to intervention this week. going to see my math teacher for an extra half hour everyday *shudder* never again.
i don't like my math teacher. he lets kids walk all over him and he doesn't talk charge of the class when he needs to. it's a pain in the neck. i wish i could stand up and teach the class, or at least let my teacher borrow my branding iron.
i really like being in nita's seminary class. i'm gonna have to do so much make-up work for my ditching my real class. that's lame because i'm actually learning MORE by skipping his class.
i feel guilty, though because i was among the most faithful to that poor dwindling class.
but hey. sometimes you have to break the rules.
i like mondays. i dont have anything planned for when i get home.
I LOVE GRAPES
i wish i had nita in my family for trek. eghh.
what else what else...uhh...5 more weeks. well, like 4 and a half. i'm not sure if we get out on a wednesday or not.
so exciting. but my summer's packed. trek. camp.carley's birthday.  i'm seeing part 2 of harry potter, spending a week with carley. hopefully seeing jeremy sometime in there. and then, school starts up again. and then my birthday. and then kaleb's birthday. and then udi and gilbert's birthday, conference, and halloween. after that the weather dies away and the holidays set in. after the holidays, there's spring and nita's birthday, general conference...the end of my junior year.
whoa.did i just travel through a whole year?
i wonder where i'll be, same time next year. who i'll be with. where i'll want to go. what song is stuck in my head.if i'll even remember this dumb blog.
time will tell.

less your face. if you sneezed during this post, bless you.
peace off
dodododo subscribe!
BOOP

if i was allergic to peanut butter, i'd be in a constant siezure

ah friday. our relationship is so weird. you heap on all this work for me to go through at school and yet you redeem yourself by making my afternoons completely stress free and open for adventures. today was especially nice because i got to chill at lizi's house with nita.
usually i have to go to my dad's house at 6, but i got to get out of the house. we hung out and met lizi's cute little kitten and her obnoxious dog. we watched harry potter 7 (AHHHHH IT'S ON BLUE RAY AND DVD FINALLY!!!!!!) and we ate pizza and watched tangled.
tangled is such a cute movie. it's one of those disney movies that made me have faith in the world again. made me feel warm and fuzzy inside. like mold.
similes.
heh.
i love my friends. they're so fun and so smart. commentary on movies with them is quite entertaining. i think without the friends i have, my life would lose alot of perspective. i mean, without lizi and her sweet outlook on life, and nita with her determination for an adventure, how could you possibly go wrong? also i think i'd be so deprived from some healthy laughter and smiling if it weren't for them.
i heard that udi might be moving to utah after this year. even though i don't know him that well, i know i'm going to miss him.
i kinda wish all my friends (or at least eh people i like) could live grouped together.
you know how seminary teachers are always saying that they saved very special people for this day and age? dude. i totally believe that. especially the people i've met. even at my age, they're all so intelligent and they truly see the world a million different ways, ways i've never seen the world through before. and i've tried on many perspectives.
another thing that tickles my brain is the fact that everyone who chose jesus' plan for the world, are al on earth. it's another tiny seed of hope inside mankind. no matter how rotten or selfish or rude people can seem...there's a chance they were standing next to you during the war in heaven.
isn't that something?
it makes me wonder who i've met. there's a VERY good chance i was already friends with nita and carley and probably kaleb before this earth was created. another thing that's puzzling about the pre-existence is that i've heard we had our life's map and we already knew what we were going to end up doing. i dont know if that's true, but that makes my brain want to explode. i bet right before i was born, i was pacing around going. "okay annabelle, DON'T forget to do this..REMEMBER to find this person.."
which would explain these dreams i've been having for a few years now. sometimes i'll dream of this guy named isaac, who've i've never even met before. and i don't know if his name is isaac in real life, taht may just be his temple name or his dream name...but he always hugs me and stuff and i'm supposed to meet him sometime after highschool. which is exciting in alot of ways.
although it could jsut be my silly head being silly.
haha that reminds me of when i plopped down on the couch with a plate of pizza and i turned to nita and said, "i eat my pizza upside down. is that weird?"
and lizi goes, "not for you"
hahahaha
ahh. true friends are the people that accept you, even if you're the strangest can of worms in the tackle shop.

bless your face, if you sneezed because you're allergic  to pets, bless you (a billion times)
peace off.
BOOP.

i cant think of a title for this post

awww it was soo cute. jeremy said he loved me, yesterday. 
and it was cute because he called me "anny" when he said it. Bleh. I wish i could see him in person again, :/ stupid distance.
for the past couple weeks, my heart's been all torn up. like someone put it in a garbage disposal. this is because i CAN'T love jeremy. i can't. i mean, even if i did..where would it go? i'm not saying i want to marry jeremy, but what if we progressed alot, and what if our future worked out well together? i couldn't marry him because he can't take me to the temple.
i know it's cliche to imagine yourself married to whomever you like at the time. it shows hope, and the promise of the relationship. unfortunately, even if i turn 16 and we still wanna go out...what's supposed to happen after that?
what i'm saying is; we're doomed.
and no, he's not going to convert. and even if he did, he'd do it for me and not for the right reasons. yknow?
he'd have to do it by himself, and be a good member with the priesthood before i'd be able to further any kind of relationship we'd have. and that would take FOREVER. and i'm tired of waiting. and i'm tired of knowing that things won't work out. i'm tired of being alone.
my mindset for now is to just soak up what i have now, and hopefully the memories of what i have now will help me get through what i have to do later.
but until then, i have time to be happy and just revel in the fact that someone actually LOVES me. whoa.
still trying to swallow that piece of information.
heh. kinda makes sitting here in chem class seem mundane. i wish i didn't have to go to school when i feel this alive and happy. school likes to smother the joy.
if i pretend that things between me and jeremy might work out in the end..i can feel what it's like to not have a broken heart. at least for a while.
haha all the juniors are getting all hot and bothered because of the junior bash next week. everyone's asking everyone. it's quite exciting.
i'm not going to the prom, or bash or whatever next year. maybe senior. probably not.
ahh my hands are all colorful from paint. i painted a crow. i like crows. i like birds over all. i  can relate to them.
WELL. i should save radiation. i mean battery. im learning about radiation in chem..ima go...boop.

this is a story i translated in german class. sometimes i think my german teacher is really bored at home.

there is a boy named otto. otto is interested in two headed cats. in a newspaper he sees an ad for a petshop

selling many rare cats. It is very late in the night so the pet store was closed. otto went to bed. he looks forward

to the next day and the two headed cat he will buy. he wakes very early and goes to the petstore. otto and the

cashier have a conversation. the cashier tells him they dont have any two headed cats but he has three headed cats

otto is very sad. he's afraid of three headed cats, but thinks that two headed cats are cute. just as otto is leaving, the guy goes, "wait i have a two headed cat but it's dirty." otto is happy! he prefers a clean two headed cat but he can he can wash the dirty two headed cat. otto goes home with the dirty two headed cat. he tries to stick it in the bath tub. the cat is afraid of the bathtub and climbs over otto! the dirty cat makes otto all dirty too. the cat jumps out of the indow and runs away. otto gets worked up. he has no cat! he is dirty and needs to wash himself.

er lies in the bathtub, bathes himself and cries.