how to be

to be aloof or not to be aloof..
see, right now it's fifth hour. and we have a sub so everyone's grouped together and chatting (surprisingly quieter than when my real teacher is here)
but i'm sitting in my regualr seat in the back. the two other kids who sit with me are sitting with their friends and i'm just chilling back here by myself.
this doesn't bother me. i enjoy being alone during classes. it's a time for me to learn and fill and empty my head how i please. and i hate group projects. i hate working with people. because i hate how dim and disrespectful they all are.like with a bunch of freshmen. UGH.
also, i'd rather be in my room than running around with friends, tearing up the town. i'd rather burrow under my covers with my ipod than run around parks, getting high like everyone else.i'd rather read. i guess i sound like a hermit, but being with people for too long exhausts me. i have to read their body language and watch their emotions and take care of them. keep them entertained, make them laugh, be pretty. whatever.
but lately i've been miserable because of lack of touch. i didn't realize hwo much i needed it until i got a taste of what it felt like, to be held and stroked and all of that. im like a kitten. like someone just picked me up and pet me and then set me downa nd left me. what the crap, man..
AGH.
and i dont WANT a boyfriend. boyfriends are STUPID. if there's a lable on what i'm supposed to be, i'll purposefully fail so i will have liberation from an obligation. i'm going to be a terrible girlfriend. i'm goign to get cold feet on the second day of going out with someone.
and i'm not going out with anyone until i'm 16 and that's at the end of august. a month and a half into school next year.
so...we've got a way to go until i get that kind of physical attention again. AND IT'S KILLING ME.
it's like i'm addicted. it's like jeremy rubed crack into my skin.
HOW DARE YOU!!!
ughh. i wanna go home. i just wanna go hommmmmme.
so i want to be alone, i hate the idea of being someone's girlfriend, but i crave and need love. what's the matter with me?
hah. i'm screwed up.
i wish i was in lvoe with jeremy. then everyone would be happy. he's been beating himself up so much. he told me last night that he always gets shot down by girls, and he's always sacrificing his own happiness for other's. that killed me. absolutely killed me.
i wish didn't like being alone. i wish my past hadn't screwed me over like this. i wish i was healthy. if i was, i'd be in love with jeremy and he wouldn't feel shot down, and i wouldn't feel abandoned.
it made me so sad. he felt like he was constantly the catalyst in other peopel's lives, an dhe never got anything of his own.
i want to give him happiness, i want him to have me. but i remember back on the last time we hung out in person..how immature he was and how i got a headache jsut trying to sort it all out. how much i wanted to escape.
i wish it was easier. i wish i could flip a switch and be in love with him, but i can't. and that ruins everything.
frekkn A.
haha im annoying myself. same old problems.
but i don't know how to be. i dont know if im happier by myself, or with someone who loves me. it's kind of painful either way. maybe i just don't have the right person to be alone together with.
today was good, though. despite all this. i felt really close to gilbert. i love the random days where i feel close to gilbert. i'm so happy i havent screwed up anything between him and i. that would definitely suck the life out of my life.
aughhh.
so. yeah. that's all.
this is annabelle from math class, signing off.


boop.