the perks of being a wallflower

i love my friends, i really do.
if not for them i'd be that same person i was up until 8th grade. i movd out here in the 5th grade, and from the start, i never really had  any friends. everyoen seemed to have their own cliques and nothing really stood out about me except for my grades. and back then, you were a goody two shoes if you got good grades and didn't try to be "popular" like everyone else. So I suppose that's what I was dubbed.
but even when i was 10, when the pressure of who you'd become was at it's most intense, i didn't really give a care. i had my CD/Radio to listen to, my journal to talk to, and my books to admire. what more did i need? school was sort of a joke to me. still is, of course.
6th grade was probably my least favorite year of all time. i got put in a class with a bunch of trouble makers, and kids just screaming for attention. i was a nobody. even after winter break, no one seemed to know my name. i rarely spoke because i didn't have anything to say. if i wanted to make a joke, i'd doodle it in a notebook. no one knew who i was, and no one bothered to find out. I din't let that hurt my feeligns though. I learned it's not your fault if someone doesn't notice you. it's not because you didn't wear the right clothes, or use the right lotion...you weren't noticed because the people you want to be noticed by, are too busy trying to be noticed themselves. If you want to be seen, you have to make yourself seen, or else you'll be invisible.
that epiphanie, sparked a realization.  i didn't WANT to be seen. Not by these di mwitted middle schoolers anyway. (that sounds really pompous, I know) truth was, i didn't have  any desire to be popular, and it was impossible to fit me into any sort of social category (besides maybe a goodygoody) i enjoyed looking out at people, studying them, analyzing them, watching them like i was alone in a giant aquarium and they were the weird looking fish.
lunch was my biggest problem. i never knew where to go. i had this one group that seemed the friendliest. brigitte, libby, hans, nick...and a few others i don't remember. they let me tag along like i was a puppy. they never asked if i wanted to hang out or anything. i was just a temporary extension.
that was okay with me. i thought it'd be a real pain to pretend to be interested in their "drama" and maybe even get a myspace or whatever else i had to do to stay in touch. The conversations I listened to them having were dull and lifeless. They watched movies, they watched their weight, they were in relationships. It all seemed silly to me. i didn't like getting attached to people because things always seemed to detach themselves when i was the least ready.
these people were good back ups when the second worst part about being invisible occurred: group projects. group projects always sucked because i was  the quiet goodygood who already knew all the stuff  the teacher was teaching and everyone wanted to mooch off me. i either didn't participate in a group or i did all the work. it usually depended on the size of the grade.
the perks of being a wallflower are numerous, though. i mean, think about it. once you know how people work, you can get away with anything. as soon as you realize that the only things people remember, pertain to themselves, you'll get through life alot easier. figuring people out was easy. if you spendt a couple years, friendless, with all the time in the world on your hands, jsut watchign epople, reading books, writing and just learning how to be alone...you'd be a bit wiser than the ones who spent their time doign their hair and marching around trying to get a boyfriend. people become predictable.
when i was younger i never called myself a "wallflower". i liked the term: "ghost". i was there, but no one acknowledged that at all. i could even speak, and no one seemed to care. but i never had to deal with people, and i liked that. even at a young age.
im less quiet now. i feel less like im in an aquarium. or at least..less like im ALONE in a n aquarium.
i still don't want to "participate" but im won't object for some fellow wallflwoer friends who think people are as ridiculous as i think they are.
it's easy to get lost in the sociology of it all. well, if the only thing that matters to people is themselves, then what am i supposed to care about? are people's mindsets ever going to change? what will a future of selfish epopel look like? is it possible to be too selfless?
i think it is very possibe to be too selfless. soon you find yourself, finding no value in yourself, and caring too much for things that wont help you out in the way you help them.
im sorry if i seem vague.
but im sometimes bad at explaining concepts with as much depth as this one.
that's why i love nita so much, because it turns out she is a wallflower as well. and we totally get each other.
i suppose wallflowers, ghosts...whatever you want to call us...we can be qualified as "weird" or "nerds". but hey. what's so bad about being a bit off? why should i do so much to make the majority happy when it doesn't matter in the end? and WHAT in the NAME of NELLY FERTADO is so bad about being a nerd?
is it really so bad that i'd rather be smart than vapid? witty instead of playing it dumb all the time? Is it a travesty that i'd rather read instead of watch a show about a bunch of tanned idiots run around in bathing suits? what if i love harry potter and holden caulfeild more than i love johnny depp or robert pattenson? is that such a crime?
anyways. that's my rant about that.
bless your face. if you sneezed during this long post, bless you.
peace off.
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