i've been lying in my bed since 10, trying to fall asleep. i got up this morning with only a couple hours of sleep to carry me through today. and today wasn't fun.
mom came home in a bad mood again. i drank water for dinner before leaving to a camp meeting. in all and complete honesty, i hate planning girl's camp.i hate seeing how hard it is to make a week happen. a good week.
i hate seeing how hard it is to make everyone happy.
i brought a notebook along to jot down notes but i ended up sketching the cat lounging around the room, looking for attention. ugh. i have a weakness. why cant i ever just focus on where i am instead of trying to be somewhere else. that's why i multitask, so I'm not just sitting and dwelling on where i am or what i'm doing. if i give myself too much time on one thing, it all goes south and i realize how pointless and minimal everything seems.
i apologize if some of this doesn't make sense. it won't in the light of day. my eyes are fuzzy and i can barely read what i'm writing. my eyes are tired but my mind is pacing back and forth in my head.
i guess i feel alone this late at night. well duh, annabelle you say. you're supposed to feel alone, you ARE alone. but i didn't always feel alone. even if i was by myself i wasn't ALONE, alone. hard to explain. but it was like i had something. someone. somewhere. but i haven't felt it in a long time.
it's a very empty sort of feeling.
i made myself some strawberry poptarts. i drank a glass of milk. hopefully with warm food in my stomach, i can sleep better.
i wonder if i ate anything today...er...yesterday. i think i recall eating some crackers. and this morning i drank some orange juice.
that's good.
i hate you, facebook. ugh. see, i challenged my facebook friends (mistake) on whether or not they could get me to change my profile picture (mistake). the deal was that if they came up with 100 songs starting with "1234" i'd change my profile picture to an actual picture of myself.
my facebook picture has always been the one i use for this blog, and unfortunately for everyone involved, it's now a real picture of me. for the first day i had a picture of myself looking at the camera dead on and i felt like i was being a jerk somehow by doing that. i dont know why. i think i thought people would think that i thought i was all that.
ha.
but i'm not, i hate real picturesof myself. i replaced the one looking at the camera dead on with a candid shot fr my mom. it's less painful that way. haha. it still sucks, though. i hate logging on and seeing myself. BLECH. and i almost took it down tonight. BUT I KEEP MY PROMISES GOSHDANGET.
whatever happened to keeping promises? does anyone even do that besides me anymore?
no..
so that's my facebook conundrum that no one gives a crap about. wahhh annabelle has self esteem issues.
ha.
you even notice i don't post personal stuff on facebook? it's all for kicks and giggles over there. here? i don't know. mostly kicks and giggles. aside from midnight ranting. that's when all the heavy stuff likes to sneak on.
ugh. like udi. i'm completely puzzled by udi. when i think udi, i think wtf? i must know more about him.
but do i? do i really?
i cried tonight. i rarely cry. and i guess it wasn't really crying as much as it was convulsing and feeling really sad. how come tears dont come out of my eyeballs? why is that? am i some sort of mutant?
did you know there was a girl in india who cried diamonds? yeah. google that crap.
i hate being depressed. i dont wanna be like my mom. miserable and irritable and promising to change but NEVER DOES. and she might. maybe if she gets married to newjerseyboyfriend, who knows. who the crap knows.
i don't get it. newjerseyboyfriend isn't mormon. so him and my mom won't get married in the temple. will they just get married like..other people do? in a backyard somewhere? will i have to go? if i marry a mormon guy, have mormon babies and then divorce him is it okay for me to marry a random guy without the priesthood?
frekkn a, mom.
and then this girl hayli's boyfriend broke up with her. that sucks. they've been going out since around halloween but they were never official. i think she's in 8th grade. she looks up to me and texts me constantly. i'm not a good friend. did you know that? i'm a terrible friend. i never return texts, if i get bored i'll just leave them hanging out in cyberspace. i avoid people i sued to call "friends" we grew apart or something and suddenly a switch goes off in my brain saying "DO NOT GO NEAR THEM" so i don't. if i freeze someone out for too long they die of frostbite. i wish i could just do that to hayli already because sometimes she annoys me because...she's in 8th grade. and i have alot to deal with without her drama.
but i can't just drop her. she's like a puppy with a broken leg, i can't just abandon her. she thinks im popular or something. hahaha...oh...man...i kinda miss the tiny 8th grade world.
which loops us back to udi. i dont wanna be his friend, i'd end up killing him with my freezing powers and something tells me he's had enough crap to deal with in his life. im done befriending people. especially guys.
im done with people in general. im very grateful for gilbert, though. and carley and nita. and mckenna. screwwww everyone elssssssssssssse. except for udi, i guess.
what? i'm exhausted now.
alright. i need to go to bed...
thus ends our trip in annabelle's head. sorry. i dunno if i should post it.
ah who cares.
oh yeah...no one! ha
outro and...BOOP
mom came home in a bad mood again. i drank water for dinner before leaving to a camp meeting. in all and complete honesty, i hate planning girl's camp.i hate seeing how hard it is to make a week happen. a good week.
i hate seeing how hard it is to make everyone happy.
i brought a notebook along to jot down notes but i ended up sketching the cat lounging around the room, looking for attention. ugh. i have a weakness. why cant i ever just focus on where i am instead of trying to be somewhere else. that's why i multitask, so I'm not just sitting and dwelling on where i am or what i'm doing. if i give myself too much time on one thing, it all goes south and i realize how pointless and minimal everything seems.
i apologize if some of this doesn't make sense. it won't in the light of day. my eyes are fuzzy and i can barely read what i'm writing. my eyes are tired but my mind is pacing back and forth in my head.
i guess i feel alone this late at night. well duh, annabelle you say. you're supposed to feel alone, you ARE alone. but i didn't always feel alone. even if i was by myself i wasn't ALONE, alone. hard to explain. but it was like i had something. someone. somewhere. but i haven't felt it in a long time.
it's a very empty sort of feeling.
i made myself some strawberry poptarts. i drank a glass of milk. hopefully with warm food in my stomach, i can sleep better.
i wonder if i ate anything today...er...yesterday. i think i recall eating some crackers. and this morning i drank some orange juice.
that's good.
i hate you, facebook. ugh. see, i challenged my facebook friends (mistake) on whether or not they could get me to change my profile picture (mistake). the deal was that if they came up with 100 songs starting with "1234" i'd change my profile picture to an actual picture of myself.
my facebook picture has always been the one i use for this blog, and unfortunately for everyone involved, it's now a real picture of me. for the first day i had a picture of myself looking at the camera dead on and i felt like i was being a jerk somehow by doing that. i dont know why. i think i thought people would think that i thought i was all that.
ha.
but i'm not, i hate real picturesof myself. i replaced the one looking at the camera dead on with a candid shot fr my mom. it's less painful that way. haha. it still sucks, though. i hate logging on and seeing myself. BLECH. and i almost took it down tonight. BUT I KEEP MY PROMISES GOSHDANGET.
whatever happened to keeping promises? does anyone even do that besides me anymore?
no..
so that's my facebook conundrum that no one gives a crap about. wahhh annabelle has self esteem issues.
ha.
you even notice i don't post personal stuff on facebook? it's all for kicks and giggles over there. here? i don't know. mostly kicks and giggles. aside from midnight ranting. that's when all the heavy stuff likes to sneak on.
ugh. like udi. i'm completely puzzled by udi. when i think udi, i think wtf? i must know more about him.
but do i? do i really?
i cried tonight. i rarely cry. and i guess it wasn't really crying as much as it was convulsing and feeling really sad. how come tears dont come out of my eyeballs? why is that? am i some sort of mutant?
did you know there was a girl in india who cried diamonds? yeah. google that crap.
i hate being depressed. i dont wanna be like my mom. miserable and irritable and promising to change but NEVER DOES. and she might. maybe if she gets married to newjerseyboyfriend, who knows. who the crap knows.
i don't get it. newjerseyboyfriend isn't mormon. so him and my mom won't get married in the temple. will they just get married like..other people do? in a backyard somewhere? will i have to go? if i marry a mormon guy, have mormon babies and then divorce him is it okay for me to marry a random guy without the priesthood?
frekkn a, mom.
and then this girl hayli's boyfriend broke up with her. that sucks. they've been going out since around halloween but they were never official. i think she's in 8th grade. she looks up to me and texts me constantly. i'm not a good friend. did you know that? i'm a terrible friend. i never return texts, if i get bored i'll just leave them hanging out in cyberspace. i avoid people i sued to call "friends" we grew apart or something and suddenly a switch goes off in my brain saying "DO NOT GO NEAR THEM" so i don't. if i freeze someone out for too long they die of frostbite. i wish i could just do that to hayli already because sometimes she annoys me because...she's in 8th grade. and i have alot to deal with without her drama.
but i can't just drop her. she's like a puppy with a broken leg, i can't just abandon her. she thinks im popular or something. hahaha...oh...man...i kinda miss the tiny 8th grade world.
which loops us back to udi. i dont wanna be his friend, i'd end up killing him with my freezing powers and something tells me he's had enough crap to deal with in his life. im done befriending people. especially guys.
im done with people in general. im very grateful for gilbert, though. and carley and nita. and mckenna. screwwww everyone elssssssssssssse. except for udi, i guess.
what? i'm exhausted now.
alright. i need to go to bed...
thus ends our trip in annabelle's head. sorry. i dunno if i should post it.
ah who cares.
oh yeah...no one! ha
outro and...BOOP
so you should stop being depressed. and eat more. and always know that you DO have someone, somewhere. you thought i was going spiritual on you, didn't you? i meant ME. duh.
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