so apparently i had a dentist appointment in the morning. my parent's work so my grandma took us. it was nice to skip out on the first couple hours. i had to get fluoride on my teeth. it was gross and uncomfortable. i asked if i could just skip out on school all together.
my grandma said "okay. we'll drive slow."
i love my grandma. she my favorite out of the three i have. she drinks tequila and has tattoos. she dyes her hair, and like to ride her bike. She's funny and pretty chill. she's more into technology than me. she's also really headstrong.
she took me home and now i get to chill out here.
i was sad last night because everything just seemed to build up. i was lonely. i had a bad day at school. and then my mom was pissed off. well, okay, she's always pissed off. but this was one of those times where she called us things..and...yeah. it was cuz i didn't clean because i was working on my paper for three hours. i had to get it done before i left. she was just...it was bad and i don't wanna go into it.
it was my fault. if i had just done the stupid paper at school, and cleaned the kitchen, she wouldn't have freaked out my siblings like that. im afraid that they're gonna be messed up because they dont really See mom alot and when they do see her she's all pissy. and it's my fault.
UGH. but it's complicated and i don't wanna go into it.
I'm still sad. and I'm tired of painting a smile on, making dumb jokes, and trying to act like Annabelle.
i wish i could just blow my head off, you know? just..
ugh.
and it's been a year now since..
i cried so much. i though t i was incapable of crying until last night. i hid out behind the church just crying because i didn't have anywhere to go.
it seems dumb now. i don't even know why im telling you this. it makes me feel all weak and screwed up.
i hate how most teenagers LOVE telling people, "oh yeah my life is sooo hard" because then they feel above everyone, like they're some kinda saint suffering things we can't even imagine.
but that's not me. i dont want to talk about it, i don't want to think about the stuff in my life that aren't happy. the unhappy things in my life were like craters on the moon at first but now it seems like it's just a huge hole and everything to fix it has been blown up.
i have church though. that's good. it's a promise that if i do get out of this hole, i don't have to go back.
which is nice, i suppose.
one of the downsides of getting all depressed is the headaches. it's like my head is full of lava and then it hardened so now im just this big old useless rock headed stupid depressed person.
errrrghhhh.
i don't want my mom to come home. i hope she gets caught in traffic until my dad picks us up. we're at his house this weekend.
which sucks because he doesn't get BYU so we'll miss general conference again.
i know i can watch it online, but he doesn't have Internet either. and why would he? I've been going to a computer based school for two years. ha.
one of the things lost in the divorce was the tradition where we would get donuts and all watch the first session together.
that was fun. i remember how sickly-full i was after my second donut. and the soothing voices of the apostles made me so sleepy.
there's a certain melody they have in their voices. president monson likes to turn his head every few sentences, alternating between the right and left teleprompter; drawing out the ends of the words and ending his paragraphs with almost a whisper.
i love general conference. i love hearing the revelations. it's exciting.
well...i guess i'll go now. at least im not in geometry right now. HA suckaaaahs.
i should probably clean the kitchen too. i am, after all, a miserable rotten daughter if i don't
my grandma said "okay. we'll drive slow."
i love my grandma. she my favorite out of the three i have. she drinks tequila and has tattoos. she dyes her hair, and like to ride her bike. She's funny and pretty chill. she's more into technology than me. she's also really headstrong.
she took me home and now i get to chill out here.
i was sad last night because everything just seemed to build up. i was lonely. i had a bad day at school. and then my mom was pissed off. well, okay, she's always pissed off. but this was one of those times where she called us things..and...yeah. it was cuz i didn't clean because i was working on my paper for three hours. i had to get it done before i left. she was just...it was bad and i don't wanna go into it.
it was my fault. if i had just done the stupid paper at school, and cleaned the kitchen, she wouldn't have freaked out my siblings like that. im afraid that they're gonna be messed up because they dont really See mom alot and when they do see her she's all pissy. and it's my fault.
UGH. but it's complicated and i don't wanna go into it.
I'm still sad. and I'm tired of painting a smile on, making dumb jokes, and trying to act like Annabelle.
i wish i could just blow my head off, you know? just..
ugh.
and it's been a year now since..
i cried so much. i though t i was incapable of crying until last night. i hid out behind the church just crying because i didn't have anywhere to go.
it seems dumb now. i don't even know why im telling you this. it makes me feel all weak and screwed up.
i hate how most teenagers LOVE telling people, "oh yeah my life is sooo hard" because then they feel above everyone, like they're some kinda saint suffering things we can't even imagine.
but that's not me. i dont want to talk about it, i don't want to think about the stuff in my life that aren't happy. the unhappy things in my life were like craters on the moon at first but now it seems like it's just a huge hole and everything to fix it has been blown up.
i have church though. that's good. it's a promise that if i do get out of this hole, i don't have to go back.
which is nice, i suppose.
one of the downsides of getting all depressed is the headaches. it's like my head is full of lava and then it hardened so now im just this big old useless rock headed stupid depressed person.
errrrghhhh.
i don't want my mom to come home. i hope she gets caught in traffic until my dad picks us up. we're at his house this weekend.
which sucks because he doesn't get BYU so we'll miss general conference again.
i know i can watch it online, but he doesn't have Internet either. and why would he? I've been going to a computer based school for two years. ha.
one of the things lost in the divorce was the tradition where we would get donuts and all watch the first session together.
that was fun. i remember how sickly-full i was after my second donut. and the soothing voices of the apostles made me so sleepy.
there's a certain melody they have in their voices. president monson likes to turn his head every few sentences, alternating between the right and left teleprompter; drawing out the ends of the words and ending his paragraphs with almost a whisper.
i love general conference. i love hearing the revelations. it's exciting.
well...i guess i'll go now. at least im not in geometry right now. HA suckaaaahs.
i should probably clean the kitchen too. i am, after all, a miserable rotten daughter if i don't
I understand annabelle. Really, I do. I wish that I had known about it sooner. That way I coulda given you a bowl of icecream and some chocolate to help you feel better.
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