heart like a hot pocket.

my heart is burning on the outside and frozen on the inside apparently.  i got pummeled with so much but yet i cant emit ANYTHING. im such a...there's just...OKAY. so today i..BLARGH!
WHERE TO BEGIN?!
okay..so..jeremy and i have been really irritated with the lack of each other's physical presence. so he got off work early and drove down to pick me up.
i think my favorite part of the night was meeting all his friends who live int he greens and copper basin. we all hung out at the park until it closed.
today, also happened to be one of the freaking most coldest night of the year so far. we could see our breath. good thing i brought a jacket.
i suppose i was lucky, like god deliberately altered the weather patterns just to allow jeremy to hold me. oh man. i've  never been held before. i've never felt someone's love radiating through me like that. whoa. i loooove hands, they're my favorite part of a guy and jeremy's hands are so nice. they're smooth and dry and bigger than mine. he was super warm! as the night went on i was pretty much welded into a hug with him. i like that when he held my hands, he caressed my icy skin. i liked hearing his voice near my ear.
but we're not going out, i'd like to clarify that. i didn't let him kiss me or anything. we hugged and were in each other's arms very innocently. trust me.
his friends were all so nice. they were such cool people. i like how they all straightened up after i told them i was mormon. jeremy was standing behind me with his hands around my waist and his chin on my shoulder, and i held his hands over my stomach, when one of the girls was like, "so are you two dating?" it was kinda funny how everyone turned and looked at us. i explained how i was mormon and they all said "oh.." and then looked at us confused. hahahaha ahh...i think if i didn't have jeremy to hold onto, i would have felt really alone. just standing off to the side, watching them.
AGH. that's a perk of being a wallflower, not every wallflower has. if you hang out with a group of people you dont know and just hang out to the side alone, you look aloof. but when you hang off to the side int he arms of someone else, you DON'T look aloof, in fact you look the least forlorn.
there were two girls who i dont remember at all, and then the boys who were:
dalton, wore a fedora. was the tallest. describes himself as huggable. carried axe around.
clint, cute guy with rosy cheeks and curly blonde hair. ate his pizza with two hands. smiled at me alot.
tyler, nice. probably the funniest. had three dogs. his house smells like smoke. he was interesting.
chris, cute. baseball hat. looked weird at the end of the night when he took it off. was puerto rican.
mark, glasses. liked to show off. didn't have solid opinions. went with the crowd. didn't really like him.
and there was a kid with red hair whose name i cant recall. he didn't talk much. which was cool.
the two girls who were there were nice and not snobby at all. one was trying to be sexy and get more attention than me. it didn't work...i kinda felt bad though. i hate attention. and i felt like an intruder, meeting them all and sucking all the girl's attention away. but it's okay. i'll probably never see them again. and if i do, it'll be way in the future.
Ughhhh future...
my heart hurts when i try and think ahead. i'm not in love with him. that's what's so painful about all this. being against him, all warm, was amazing. i felt very safe and content and in my place. but my heart was on fire and my throat was closing. i didn't feel anything for him. i didn't yearn for him and i didn't desire him or love him or...anything like what i felt when i WAS in love.
it was just...weird. i wasn't empty like i normally am. but i wasn't full. i felt very special and looked after and loved. it's such a great feeling, but it just makes my heart burn more. ugh. it hurts a lot.
and jeremy is so gentle.  i dont want to hurt him at all. i wish we could just hang in this weird state where im not old enough to date and he's too far away to break my heart every time i see him but i still get to be sweet talked and held tightly when we do meet.
this is such a bittersweet thing i have.
once the park became too dark for his friends to have climbing competitions  on the swing set and playground, we went to the basketball court and laid our heads on each other's stomachs. i laid on jeremy's stomach and he held my hands on my chest. i breathed hot air onto his fingers which must have been freezing on top of mine. the pavement under my back make me shiver. we were looking at the stars. he played with my hair and touched my ear..
if i was in love with him, i would have been so happy and excited i would have melted into a big puddle. but im not so i just closed my eyes and tried to trap the feeling of his finger brushing my jawline.
poor, poor jeremy. i feel so terrible.
i'm not in love with him?
this is killing me.
ohh. how am i going to break up with someone like him?
annabelle.
what, JUDY?
chill.
NO! I HAVE SOMEONE'S HEART IN MY HANDS I CAN'T CALM DOWN.
well, do so.
FINE.
annabelle
fine. okay. im calm.
i think you need to focus ont he present for now. that's what being young is about. making mistakes.
SO YOU DO THINK..ahem...so you do think it's a mistake?
no. i just think that you should give him a chance because he treats you so well.
well just because i wasnt treated well in the past, doesn't mean jeremy's the only one who'll do that.
you really think you'll be able to find this again?
i'd hope so. i mean, if i don't i'm just gonna be...
miserable?
I DIDN'T SAY THAT.
yeah but you thought it.
SO. i think a lot of things!
yeah you do.
SHUT UP SHUT UP!!!


ugh. judy.
im gonna go. i have church in a while. i have sand in my hair. GOOD FREAKING DAY TO YOU!
bless your face. if you sneezed while being held by someone who loves you, bless you.
boop.