boys..

ugh.
my mom's downstairs. i've begun to dread when she comes home. she's already all hissy.
i don't want to go down there.
my sister and her friend makenna have escaped the house. i miss escaping.
i forget that you don't know who makenna is. it's kaleb's sister.
kaleb and i used to be really close.
i don't know what
happened.
the short answer is he got a girlfriend, but he's had plenty of girlfriends and we were still tight. i guess it's cuz he found someone who'd put out. it's kind of sick how sex changes people like that.
but i guess that's how it goes. i tried hanging out with him a couple times but he's so different. it almost frightens me.  sometimes im convinced kaleb is dead...and i always find this stranger walking around in a body almost like his. but i know it's not really kaleb, he won't even meet my eyes.
sometimes when i talk to gilbert, i feel like i've known him forever. other times i feel like he's miles away.
udi is like the beginning of a song. mysterious..full of potential...and beautiful in some ways, even.
but i dont know udi very well. i feel like i do, though. the music he gives me tells me books about who he is.
jeremy. he's like an orange. sweet and refreshing. amazing on the inside. you know..girls watch romantic-comedy movies with people like him as the main role. he really likes me...i know im supposed to get the whole weightless, butterflies, exciting feeling. i don't though. he sweet-talks me and turns me to mush but there's always that impenetrable blanket of dread over me.
i think...due to complications...things are doomed to end harshly.
i kinda miss the days when i had crushes.
i miss staring at the back of some boy's head and daydreaming and doodling their name..obsessively thinking "does he know i exist?" "does he think of me as often as i think of him??"
but i suppose after you've seen and felt and been washed away by the real deal...everything else seems watered down. sort of sad too, because the build up of a crush is usually better than what it becomes in the end.
i have been in love. like, real love. true love. like "the princess bride" love. like...i'll die for you, i'll wait for you, i'll be anyone, do anything, go anywhere for you type of thing. like...every fiber in my being yearns for you and just being near you, melts every smudge off of my world. love really knows no words.
and neither does the year of heartache afterwords. and then the months of heartbreak.
and then..numbness. sadness. depression. hopelessness. angst. anger. rage. rebellion. numbness. sadness. hopefulness. sadness.
and then blogness?
this is as deep as i want to go into it-ness.
haha
ohhh boy. boys.
argh. my mom's storming around the house. being real pissed at my brother. my brother is always angry now. who could blame him? i mean, he's a ten year old boy trying to grow up...and whenever he sees his mom, she yells at him.
he just went in there to say "im sorry" for whatever he did and she goes "are you really?"
and then he went in her room and i heard his mumbles and then my mom's sharper voice, "But Are You Really Sorry. I'm Not Going To Play Games With You."
for crying out loud mom. he doesn't know what to do. he's only ten he's not playing games with you.that's so weird.  my brother still seems as scrawny and balloon headed as he did when he was four. but he's ten. just five years younger than ME. in the fifth grade. that's so trippy. i remember the fifth grade.
every student in the fifth grade picked a state out of the US to do a project on. then kids from different classes were put together. it was kind of  like a coincidence, i guess, that kaleb and i both picked wisconsin out of fifty choices. we worked together for three days. i thought he was charming and i liked to make him laugh. i had just moved to queen creek and he was the nicest to me. we didn't really hang out after the project was over. we saw each other around more in  seventh grade and then became friends in eighth grade. but it was kind of funny how that meeting in fifth grade occurred. 
kaleb and i were ten when we met each other.
i can still remember kaleb walking into the classroom and sitting down across from me. haha shorts. he wore shorts. he had such pale legs. he was also shorter than me. he had his long hair. and i remember writing that his eyes were "the color of burning wood". and they still are. i guess it's weird remembering the EXACT minute you met a best friend.
heh.
well. i gotta go. i have cleaning and stuff to do.
have a nice night.
BOOP.