my thanks to chocolate and church

Easter was actually really nice.
i woke up still upset from saturday night. then all during church i learned about the suffering and pain Jesus went through when he atoned for our sins. he knows exactly what i've been through, from being suicidal to not feeling the way i want to. seems impossible anyone could fathom how bad it was, is. but Jesus knows. and yet he was able to bear that and more and still rise with rebirth three days later.
i grew up a member and have always just..known Jesus and God were there. it's not a question in my mind, it's just a solid fact. just like i have fingers.
and i'm connected to Jesus, my older, because he knows exactly what i'm going through.
and even if i lose jeremy in the end because of our differences...i still have Jesus as a friend i can always come to the way i did with jeremy, and he will understand.
i left church, feeling refreshed and less burdened because somehow the spirit of the whole renaissance holiday made me feel rejuvenated.
when i got home i laid it all out for jeremy. i told him that i loved and cared for him with infinite measures but i still wasn't in love with him. maybe because my of my past, maybe i needed time to fall completely in love with him.
and he said it was okay. he said he love loved me even if i ddint' love him the same way.
that made me want to cry.
that's true love.
and maybe it was because of all the easter chocolate or the lack of homework-doing or the fact that i was finally loved for who i was, unconditionally...but i could NOT fall asleep.
and i had a dream the sunrise had leaked onto the earth we we could all walk on the light, while the sky was still black with night.
i dreamt kaleb was there. he was so real looking. i thought it wasn't a dream because of the painful amount of detail in his face. the shine on his eyelids.
it killed me.
it bugs me i don't dream about jeremy.
i miss him already. maybe next time i'll try and think less, and avoid a headache and that'll make it easier to enjoy being with him.
ahh. just knowing that he's willing to give me time and help me not be so screwy, makes me love him. i feel so safe because of him. i don't have to worry that i'm doing something wrong, that i'm being the wrong kind of person, that i'm not pretty, that i don't deserve to live.
all of these things bothered me up until two weeks. maybe you couldn't tell. but it's true.
i think jeremy's the perfect candidate to be the first one i actually kiss. because he actually LOVES me. dude.
i'm still stunned by that.
by even the possibility.
freaking A, jeremy. what am i going to do with you?
boop.