it's easter eve and i just got back from a date? date-like..thing. it's 11:44 right now, i got home just a few minutes after curfew. enough to freak my mom out but not make her ground me.
jeremy (with his hair finally cut short) arrived in his old blue car with a Filipino guy named Ace. He later told me his name was Ulysses but i like to pretend he didn't. we found the rest of his posse (the same ones i had seen last time Dalton, Chris, Ryan, Clint, Mike) we chilled at a grassy volleyball field behind a pond.
i'd like to tell you all a fantastic story about how jeremy took my hand and i felt my heart come back to life and i fell in love with him. unfortunately for everyone involved
i cannot.
it all felt so mechanical. hand, hold. feel fingers. lean back against his chest. let him hold me. stare at sky. wish i wasn't here.
i wished i wasn't there. i wanted to press a button and make it all disappear. make me go back to my room. make it so that i never got involved with him.
as the night wore on, i felt numb inside. the familiar ache behind my left eye returned. it pulsed, my head radiated pain. it was a dull roar for the majority of the night. like someone was prodding my brain with a rod telling me that i should break Jeremy's heart.
but i leaned against Jeremy, breathing int he scent of axe, convincing myself that i deserved to hold someone.
the last "relationship" i had wasn't even a relationship. i never held him. i wanted to. there were times when i held myself back from stroking the part of his neck where his hair starts to curl over. i never went up behind him and rested my cheek on his shoulder, no matter how close i was. but yet i felt so much towards him. so much it was overload me. i couldn't think about anything but him and i'd cry at night with the heaviness of it all.
but with jeremy it's completely the opposite. i feel absolutely noting towards him. and yet i can be here, leaning against him as the sun slips behind the mountains.
my head continued to pulse.
i felt like a dumb old baby when i was with him. i was unable to love him, but when he got up, even to get a bottle of water, i felt neglected. and i immediately built up a wall inside of me that said, well i'll brace myself for him not returning. i also noticed that when i don't get an answer after a few minutes, i forget i was texting him and accept i might not get an answer for the rest of the day. and it's always weird when he DOES answer me.
there was one point when he and ace got into a game of chess. i watched Jeremy with intent. trying desperately to fall in love with him. to see something in him i adored. to see...anything. but again mechanical. no poetic details. short black hair. brown skin. small eyes. eyebrows slightly raised like he's amused. normal looking ears. nose. mouth. chin. throat. black shirt. arms. hands.
i wanted to find something about him that i found beautiful.
my mind throbbed with physical pain. clint started playing the piano and i became more fascinated watching his cut up fingers play across the keys. he found out i had a slight beatles obsession and played hey jude. aghh clint. making my headache cease for even a few minutes. clint made me laugh. i like clint. i wish i had classes with him,
i closed my eyes and leaned against my chair, wishing i knew what to do.
secretly, i had left the house sort of excited and expecting my first kiss, but the ache pounding within my skull told me otherwise.
i looked over at Jeremy who was staring at the chess board, thinking and planning his next move. i expected to feel a pang of regret at least. but nothing. my heart still remained completely cemented.
this is how i feel when i'm supposed to be crying. like at girls camp during devotionals or a really deep fireside. or a movie. or whatever. when people around me get all sullen and teary eyed and im just sitting there blank. i feel like a monster.
and i felt my own monstrosity as i looked at jeremy's face and felt no pain for him. no pain for what i was going to have to do to him.
i suppose i could do what kaleb did after shyloh came along. kaleb, as everyone knows, used to be my best friend. my homeskillet. but after he started going out with his latest girlfriend, he just gave me the cold shoulder, basically and now we're not really friends anymore.
i guess i can do that. i guess i can make it so that i t end s by itself. fade out instead of chop it away like jeremy's last girlfreind did.
i contemplated this, my mind churning in on itself and told jeremy it was time to take me home. he had to pick up someone from somewhere so ace and mike tagged along.
we rode off into the night.
"so," came ace's voice form the back seat. "are you guys dating?"
i looked up at the moonless night sky. it was really pitch black. the stars looked down at me expectantly. it kinda made me fantasize about the mystery reoccurring character in my dreams named isaac. i imagined isaac had a heachache, knowing i was in trouble somehow. i felt a tugging sensation in my stomach, i wished i knew where isaac was. WHO he was, for that matter. I got a lump in my throat wondering if he even realized i existed yet.
"YES" jeremy said while i said, "i don't even know.."
i felt like there was a rat clawing at the back of my eyes. I realized i hadn't smiled very much that night.
i clasped my own hand in my lap, wishing isaac could comfort me out of the impossible.
I should have protested reminding jeremy that i wasnt 16 yet, and that i wasn't IN love with him. but my mouth had been sewn shut with tiredness from the night and the pain in my mind.
we arrived at the house, and i was thankful to mike and ace riding in the back,
they said a friendly, "see ya later" which i said "see ya" and got out, shutting the door and going around he back, crossing the street. jeremy didn't emerge. i took long strides up my lawn and through the front door.
kiss
avoided.
greeted with the sight of my mother "innocently" doing a puzzle at the table by the window. i raised my eyebrows at her and slammed the door int he middle of her saying "don't sla-"
i marched to the stairs, and heard mom say in an awkward mom voice, 'So...was..there any..." and i said, "Nope" and went up stairs through the dark. I dunno what she was going to say. that's the sad part. but whatever it was, there wasn't any of it.
haha not even drugs. though while standing around daltons truck at the park, a white suburban came by, music thumping. a bunch of high kids were hotboxing the crap out of themselves. "hey," a voice called out from inside. a slurred spanish accent. "you guys need anything, trees, exo, pot?"
"nah, man," called chris. "we're good," he laughed.
i felt jeremy tense around me. i wasn't worried. they were too high to do anything, and they were in our power, anyways.
"TRAVELING DISTRIBUTOR!" yelled another fuzzy-sounding voice.
i rolled my eyes. they drove off quickly, knowing if they got too obnoxious we could call the cops.
there was a girl at the park for a little while. i talked to her. she had dropped a glass stereo on her feet that morning and complained about it to me. she was pretty chill, and i thought she was weird for talking to me because girls don't really like talking to me in real-life.
i'd like to think it's my gift of being able to click with boys and communicate with them, but maybe it's because i'm odd.
but it took me a second to realize, oh, she's not being friendly. she's just stoned and her feet hurt and she needs someone to complain to. it made me feel a bit sad. like being stoned make you go into this world where the social rules don't matter and you float around the earth just..being...stoned.it sounded lonely.
i wanted to give her a hug but that may have been a bit much even for a stoner.
i forget her name. might have been Ashley.
i'm proud to say that all the people i hung out with are drug-free. they're all good kids. they'd rather hang out and play Frisbee than get high.
i think jeremy wants me to text him, my phone's been silent. but i dont want to. i have nothing to say to him.
im tired and i have a headache, still. i'm tempted to make pizza and stay up for a while, living up the last of my weekend..but i have church till 1, and it's easter so i probably have to get up early...
i really don't want to deal with the world right now.
screw my life..
jeremy (with his hair finally cut short) arrived in his old blue car with a Filipino guy named Ace. He later told me his name was Ulysses but i like to pretend he didn't. we found the rest of his posse (the same ones i had seen last time Dalton, Chris, Ryan, Clint, Mike) we chilled at a grassy volleyball field behind a pond.
i'd like to tell you all a fantastic story about how jeremy took my hand and i felt my heart come back to life and i fell in love with him. unfortunately for everyone involved
i cannot.
it all felt so mechanical. hand, hold. feel fingers. lean back against his chest. let him hold me. stare at sky. wish i wasn't here.
i wished i wasn't there. i wanted to press a button and make it all disappear. make me go back to my room. make it so that i never got involved with him.
as the night wore on, i felt numb inside. the familiar ache behind my left eye returned. it pulsed, my head radiated pain. it was a dull roar for the majority of the night. like someone was prodding my brain with a rod telling me that i should break Jeremy's heart.
but i leaned against Jeremy, breathing int he scent of axe, convincing myself that i deserved to hold someone.
the last "relationship" i had wasn't even a relationship. i never held him. i wanted to. there were times when i held myself back from stroking the part of his neck where his hair starts to curl over. i never went up behind him and rested my cheek on his shoulder, no matter how close i was. but yet i felt so much towards him. so much it was overload me. i couldn't think about anything but him and i'd cry at night with the heaviness of it all.
but with jeremy it's completely the opposite. i feel absolutely noting towards him. and yet i can be here, leaning against him as the sun slips behind the mountains.
my head continued to pulse.
i felt like a dumb old baby when i was with him. i was unable to love him, but when he got up, even to get a bottle of water, i felt neglected. and i immediately built up a wall inside of me that said, well i'll brace myself for him not returning. i also noticed that when i don't get an answer after a few minutes, i forget i was texting him and accept i might not get an answer for the rest of the day. and it's always weird when he DOES answer me.
there was one point when he and ace got into a game of chess. i watched Jeremy with intent. trying desperately to fall in love with him. to see something in him i adored. to see...anything. but again mechanical. no poetic details. short black hair. brown skin. small eyes. eyebrows slightly raised like he's amused. normal looking ears. nose. mouth. chin. throat. black shirt. arms. hands.
i wanted to find something about him that i found beautiful.
my mind throbbed with physical pain. clint started playing the piano and i became more fascinated watching his cut up fingers play across the keys. he found out i had a slight beatles obsession and played hey jude. aghh clint. making my headache cease for even a few minutes. clint made me laugh. i like clint. i wish i had classes with him,
i closed my eyes and leaned against my chair, wishing i knew what to do.
secretly, i had left the house sort of excited and expecting my first kiss, but the ache pounding within my skull told me otherwise.
i looked over at Jeremy who was staring at the chess board, thinking and planning his next move. i expected to feel a pang of regret at least. but nothing. my heart still remained completely cemented.
this is how i feel when i'm supposed to be crying. like at girls camp during devotionals or a really deep fireside. or a movie. or whatever. when people around me get all sullen and teary eyed and im just sitting there blank. i feel like a monster.
and i felt my own monstrosity as i looked at jeremy's face and felt no pain for him. no pain for what i was going to have to do to him.
i suppose i could do what kaleb did after shyloh came along. kaleb, as everyone knows, used to be my best friend. my homeskillet. but after he started going out with his latest girlfriend, he just gave me the cold shoulder, basically and now we're not really friends anymore.
i guess i can do that. i guess i can make it so that i t end s by itself. fade out instead of chop it away like jeremy's last girlfreind did.
i contemplated this, my mind churning in on itself and told jeremy it was time to take me home. he had to pick up someone from somewhere so ace and mike tagged along.
we rode off into the night.
"so," came ace's voice form the back seat. "are you guys dating?"
i looked up at the moonless night sky. it was really pitch black. the stars looked down at me expectantly. it kinda made me fantasize about the mystery reoccurring character in my dreams named isaac. i imagined isaac had a heachache, knowing i was in trouble somehow. i felt a tugging sensation in my stomach, i wished i knew where isaac was. WHO he was, for that matter. I got a lump in my throat wondering if he even realized i existed yet.
"YES" jeremy said while i said, "i don't even know.."
i felt like there was a rat clawing at the back of my eyes. I realized i hadn't smiled very much that night.
i clasped my own hand in my lap, wishing isaac could comfort me out of the impossible.
I should have protested reminding jeremy that i wasnt 16 yet, and that i wasn't IN love with him. but my mouth had been sewn shut with tiredness from the night and the pain in my mind.
we arrived at the house, and i was thankful to mike and ace riding in the back,
they said a friendly, "see ya later" which i said "see ya" and got out, shutting the door and going around he back, crossing the street. jeremy didn't emerge. i took long strides up my lawn and through the front door.
kiss
avoided.
greeted with the sight of my mother "innocently" doing a puzzle at the table by the window. i raised my eyebrows at her and slammed the door int he middle of her saying "don't sla-"
i marched to the stairs, and heard mom say in an awkward mom voice, 'So...was..there any..." and i said, "Nope" and went up stairs through the dark. I dunno what she was going to say. that's the sad part. but whatever it was, there wasn't any of it.
haha not even drugs. though while standing around daltons truck at the park, a white suburban came by, music thumping. a bunch of high kids were hotboxing the crap out of themselves. "hey," a voice called out from inside. a slurred spanish accent. "you guys need anything, trees, exo, pot?"
"nah, man," called chris. "we're good," he laughed.
i felt jeremy tense around me. i wasn't worried. they were too high to do anything, and they were in our power, anyways.
"TRAVELING DISTRIBUTOR!" yelled another fuzzy-sounding voice.
i rolled my eyes. they drove off quickly, knowing if they got too obnoxious we could call the cops.
there was a girl at the park for a little while. i talked to her. she had dropped a glass stereo on her feet that morning and complained about it to me. she was pretty chill, and i thought she was weird for talking to me because girls don't really like talking to me in real-life.
i'd like to think it's my gift of being able to click with boys and communicate with them, but maybe it's because i'm odd.
but it took me a second to realize, oh, she's not being friendly. she's just stoned and her feet hurt and she needs someone to complain to. it made me feel a bit sad. like being stoned make you go into this world where the social rules don't matter and you float around the earth just..being...stoned.it sounded lonely.
i wanted to give her a hug but that may have been a bit much even for a stoner.
i forget her name. might have been Ashley.
i'm proud to say that all the people i hung out with are drug-free. they're all good kids. they'd rather hang out and play Frisbee than get high.
i think jeremy wants me to text him, my phone's been silent. but i dont want to. i have nothing to say to him.
im tired and i have a headache, still. i'm tempted to make pizza and stay up for a while, living up the last of my weekend..but i have church till 1, and it's easter so i probably have to get up early...
i really don't want to deal with the world right now.
screw my life..
Annabelle, what kind of chocolate do you like? Dark, Milk, a mix of the two?
ReplyDeletehey. you. you my dear need to come to mesa and together we will live a peaceful life void of the male species. deal?
ReplyDeleteto both of you: YES.
ReplyDelete